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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH Says He's Bored

46 replies

Biensur40 · 01/02/2020 07:42

In loving relationship but DH needs constant excitement (not just sexual, that side of our life is fine). He says he is bored and our life is boring which is really annoying and upsetting. I think our life is ordinary ie going to work, weekends revolve around kids, occasional date night. I did used to try harder but now am thinking maybe he should check out the other side and see if the grass is greener. I just don't want the constant sense of pressure. He is a workaholic and has a limitless supply of energy which I don't. He works 12 -14 hour days so there isn't really much time to be bored in! I don't want to lose him but equally don't like the guilt trips. What do you think?

OP posts:
KatherineJaneway · 01/02/2020 07:44

Does he have any solutions for this boredom or does he just moan about it?

gamerchick · 01/02/2020 07:45

What do you mean guilt trips? And why is it on your head to keep him excited?

OhioOhioOhio · 01/02/2020 07:46

Yeah. How does he want to solve the (his) problem?

Booberella9 · 01/02/2020 07:46

Why is it your fault life is boring?

Tell him to come up with plans which would cure this.

Notice I said plans not ideas. You have DC, he needs to PLAN something realistically achievable and enjoyable for the whole family, not just his selfish self.

If I worked 12-14h days I'd be bored shitless too. Why is he working such long hours anyway? Can that be addressed?

Honestly how dare he blame you for his boredom, even my 3yo knows better than that! It's his problem.

KennyRogersWasNotInStarWars · 01/02/2020 07:46

What is his life missing that would prevent him being bored? Eg is it a serious concern that you don’t spend enough time together on ‘dates’, does he mean he wants you to dress up in leather and whip him, has he been watching too many Liam Neeson films?

Namechangednorth · 01/02/2020 07:47

Makes a nice change heating about a bloke a bloke who is bored but not with their sex life. Unusual that one

Snowman123 · 01/02/2020 07:48

There's a difference between being bored of the humdrum of day to day life vs being bored of you and your relationship.

Which is it?

Original poster
Biensur40 · 01/02/2020 07:50

Thank you all. This is what annoys me too, being blamed for his boredom. It is like a child and something his parents have said he has done since a child.
He has a long commute which partly accounts for the long working hours but I think he has an addictive personality. He is really happy if I only make a little effort eg getting dressed up for a night out.
I am going to put it on him to plan something.

OP posts:
CalleighDoodle · 01/02/2020 07:50

Can you be more specific? Im bored of evenings with dh. He sits on his phone, watches tv and complains. So im sat on my phone irritated he doesn't want to do anything. He would be totally fine if i went out alone or with friends, but thats not the point. I want to spend quality time with him.

Original poster
Biensur40 · 01/02/2020 07:51

Think he is bored of the humdrum of life which I get but not sure if I can solve it.

OP posts:
MonsteraCheeseplant · 01/02/2020 07:53

I'm a bit bored by life sometimes too. I don't expect DH to entertain me like i'm a child though. I do plan stuff to look forward to and provide some interest.

Original poster
Biensur40 · 01/02/2020 07:54

@CalleighDoodle our weekday evenings are boring too...i have a stressful job which requires work from home too and am just shattered by any 9pm. This is the time he normally gets home so not great timing...

OP posts:
MonsteraCheeseplant · 01/02/2020 07:54

You're right OP, this is not your problem to solve. He needs to be proactive. Take up a hobby, book things in the diary (even random stuff, I put the London Marathon in the diary even though i just enjoy watching it on tv) etc.

Original poster
Biensur40 · 01/02/2020 07:57

I think an exciting hobby like an extreme sport would help take the pressure off me and will suggest it.

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 01/02/2020 07:58

I’d ask him specifically how he thinks his life should change so that he isn’t “bored”.

Mind you I’d also be telling him that you are bored of him saying he’s bored!
When my dc ever said “I’m boooored” I’d say “well go and find something interesting to do!”

NeverGuessWho · 01/02/2020 07:59

Is he bored with his job? That’s my first thought.

If he’s working 12-14 hours a day, surely he needs the other hours to sleep, eat, shower & relax AND do his fair share of looking after the DCs and the house? There are only 24 hours in a day!

Has he generally always been a grass-is-greener, never satisfied types?

Life can be pretty boring - with work & school routines, there isn’t much time for excitement & spontaneity in many peoples’ lives, day to day.

How old are the DCs? I feel like my weekends have been dominated by DCs’ hobbies for decades, which is the truth (big age gaps between DCs). I feel like it will never end sometimes, and occasionally am frustrated & bored. But I’m generally a happy person with a positive outlook. Having said that, I’m in the process of leaving DH, but not through boredom. Grin

Are you happy, OP?

Butterymuffin · 01/02/2020 08:03

Totally agree that he needs to come up with a plan for this himself. So say he wants more date nights, then it's on him to find a babysitter, think of where to go etc. The extreme sport idea is good though you may then never see him as he'll do that instead of 'humdrum' stuff with the kids.

loopery · 01/02/2020 08:04

Why is he commuting so much? Can’t he find a job closer to home? What are his hobbies? Can’t he join a gym close to his work so he can work off some of that excess boredom. Not just a gym but somewhere like David Lloyd where they have all the social stuff going on

Original poster
Biensur40 · 01/02/2020 08:06

I am generally happy and positive. I like to help others which is what my job involves and feel fulfilled. I will try and help him do the same. I am not giving up on this yet. He is an amazing person but this is his weakness. He might need to see a counsellor, I think.

OP posts:
Original poster
Biensur40 · 01/02/2020 08:06

Thanks for enabling me to work through this a bit! Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
Biensur40 · 01/02/2020 08:08

@NeverGuessWho hope leaving your husband works out well for you

OP posts:
slipperywhensparticus · 01/02/2020 08:14

Wow! Do you work for him? I'm baffled he thinks this is your problem to solve

If he loves you surely he would try and solve it before going off somewhere/someone else

Lemonsaretheonlyfruit · 01/02/2020 08:17

He sounds like my ex H . It's odd isn't it that he sees it as your fault (and not just accept that your lives are very similar to most I'm sure) and that it's somehow your responsibility to make it less boring.

Does him working such long hours equate to a decent salary, meaning that you could feasibly plan some stuff that you could both look forward to? Whether that's a weekend away/ holiday somewhere new ? Or could you take it it turns to plan a night out for you both doing something in different?Friends of mine did this when they were in a but of a rut and ended up doing some stuff that was great fun and brought them closer together. Rock climbing, indoor white water rafting, swimming in a freezing lido etc.

But ultimately I agree. This is his problem not yours. He shouldn't be putting pressure on you to make things more exciting. My ex blamed me when we had DC for the restrictive nature of our lives, the lack of money and spontaneity.. errr it had been a joint decision to have DC and it's up to both parties to individually adapt and accept.

He does also need to take some responsibility for finding something that he gets more out of life from (though from what I read on here- steer him away from cycling or you may never see him again) ...Confused

On a final note... could get her a new job that cancels out that commute. Sounds like it could be part of the problem. Good luck op

LemonTT · 01/02/2020 08:19

It is something he needs to resolve for himself. This is something you may need to be direct about. Next time he brings it up, tell him you accept what he is saying about how he feels. Then explain you don’t feel the same. That you are content if not tired from work. Tell him that if there things he wants to do or change you would be open to it. But then tell him that going forward he needs to be constructive about dealing with what is his issue not yours or the children or even his employer. Perhaps suggest to him that it is hurtful and draining to hear him say this.

You can usually shorten this conversation to “well what are you going to do about it”. And you probably will have to.

Techway · 01/02/2020 08:29

He seems to lack insight so it is easier to blame you.

I imagine he is hitting mid life and it is common to question what the next stage in life will be, coupled with feeling time is running out.

Has he ever had hobbies or adventures?