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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH Says He's Bored

46 replies

Biensur40 · 01/02/2020 07:42

In loving relationship but DH needs constant excitement (not just sexual, that side of our life is fine). He says he is bored and our life is boring which is really annoying and upsetting. I think our life is ordinary ie going to work, weekends revolve around kids, occasional date night. I did used to try harder but now am thinking maybe he should check out the other side and see if the grass is greener. I just don't want the constant sense of pressure. He is a workaholic and has a limitless supply of energy which I don't. He works 12 -14 hour days so there isn't really much time to be bored in! I don't want to lose him but equally don't like the guilt trips. What do you think?

OP posts:

Jomarchsburntskirt · 01/02/2020 08:47

I think weekends when your kids are young can be quite boring as everything revolves around keeping them entertained. I suppose this is what being a parent is really about. It will improve as your kids get older and become independent. It’s unfair of him to expect you to come up with the entertainment though.

dottiedodah · 01/02/2020 08:55

I think he is probably of a certain age maybe 40s? and is taking stock ! This is fairly normal I think .Can he take up running ,cycling ,whatever ? This is often a flashpoint in mid life where many men feel "Is this all there is "? Can you suggest short breaks at W/E (Center parcs do some good deals) or cheapish W/E to Europe if the budget stretches to it ?

RantyAnty · 01/02/2020 09:12

It's not your job to think of things to entertain him. If he's bored, he is probably pretty boring!

2 things we've done that are silly as can be but DH loved it.

nerf guns
paintball

pointythings · 01/02/2020 09:31

I had one of these - completely unable to find any kind of happiness in everyday life. It's them, not you. It's on them to work through it. Life is humdrum - boring stuff needs to be done, things like laundry, cleaning, work, food shopping, cooking. It's never been any different. The trick is to find the moments every day when good things happen. I commute to work and this time of year there are some spectacular sunrises to be had. There's always something special to experience, you just have to be open to it.

Beautiful3 · 01/02/2020 09:42

My husband went through this phase too a few years back. I booked him a 'jumping out of a plane' experience, and encouraged him to take up a sport/hobby. It seemed to do the trick.

NeverGuessWho · 01/02/2020 09:49

@Biensur40 thank you 😊

Hope your DH sorts it out.

Original poster

Biensur40 · 01/02/2020 09:57

Really helpful. Yes, we have hit 40 and he never had a rebellious youth as he was so studious! Think that is part of it.

OP posts:

Inforthelonghaul · 01/02/2020 10:04

Much of adult life is boring and mundane especially if you have children but it is definitely not your job to entertain him. My mum used to say only boring people get bored. His work day sounds excessive and he needs a better balance but it’s for him to discover not you to provide. @pointythings completely agree.

AnnaMagnani · 01/02/2020 10:07

What does he want to do to alleviate the boredom?

This does sound a bit classic midlife crisis. Sadly there are many parts of adult life that are excruciatingly boring - paying the bills, sorting out the mortgage, school pick ups.

Even if he splits up with you, he is going to have to do all of these - and probably more so and on a limited budget!

He needs to decide how to fix this himself as you are not his mum, and he can't opt out of family life. Change of work life balance? Planning things for weekends? More regular date nights?

Lippy1234 · 01/02/2020 11:21

My DH went through this phase around his mid 40’s. We mixed things up a bit and started going out with other couples in the evenings or having friends over. This worked well as we saw each others’s fun side.
My DH briefly also got into running and that seemed to help with his ‘boredom’.

WellHolyGodMiley · 01/02/2020 11:26

Oh this type of man, I have had too much experience of this in my past.

They make you feel dull that you cannot provide the novelty of five women whilst being less than one man themselves.

Flaskfan · 01/02/2020 12:57

I get like this. I have a pretty all encompassing job and that, together with kids, makes me feel incredibly trapped at times. I'm quite good at getting my head down and sucking it up most of the time, but there are times I get very restless and a bit'is this all there is?'.The gym helps, as does having nights out lined up.

Interestedwoman · 01/02/2020 14:57

I've been in your position in the past (although with my bloke there was also a sexual implication.)

As the PP's have said- a therapist said 'do you expect him to entertain you?' I totally didn't lol and it exposed the unreasonable pressure. The bloke was 40ish at the time too, so that might've been part of it. I was 14 years younger than him and I think he expected me to provide constant excitement. Nah.

I'm glad that you realise it's his issue really, not anything you're doing wrong. xxx

CoffeeCoinneseur · 01/02/2020 15:05

12-14 hour working days must mean that he misses out on the humdrum day to day grind of child related stuff Monday to Friday. Does he have to work that much or does he choose to.

This moaning about being bored seems to me like he's angling for more 'time out' at weekends, which you've said revolve around kids.

I'll bet my next mortgage payment that whatever plan he comes up with to alleviate his boredom involves him ducking out, yet again, of family life.

In fact, it wouldn't surprise me to hear that he will somehow manipulate the situation so that it's you that even suggests that he goes off and does whatever it is he wants to do.

wizzywig · 01/02/2020 15:08

I think im like your dh, have way too much energy, work long hours, need excitement. I like grabbing the kids who are like me and just going out for the day or weekend.

wizzywig · 01/02/2020 15:09

Just to add, i do everything round the house too.

Needtogetbackinthesack · 01/02/2020 15:10

I've been the one who is constantly bored. For me it was because my husband never wanted to do anything - he wasn't interested in holidays or days out, even going out for meals or theatre etc was just aggro because he was never that bothered and "did it for me" which meant he always dragged his heels. He just wanted to watch tv and sleep at weekends. He never had any aspirations for the future or wanted to make any long term plans. To me he appeared lazy and lacking ambition, and I'm the kind who wants to do everything in the world and loves the chaos. Weirdly I was saying to a friend just yesterday that, although he had other issues that ultimately led me to leave, I wouldn't be interested in him even if he had help and changed because ultimately we wanted different things from life and I'm not prepared to spend another decade of my life not doing stuff because he didn't want to (and didn't want me doing it with just the kids because he'd never see them if we were out all weekend every weekend, which I do understand to an extent.)

Been a single mum for 6mo now and have grasped every opportunity life has thrown at me, I feel really fulfilled.

So I guess what I'm saying is it's ok for everyone to say he needs to sort it but you need to also have a good think about whether you even want to be in a relationship with someone who wants a completely different life - it was too much for my ex and he just didn't want to change.

Original poster

Biensur40 · 01/02/2020 16:35

Thanks for all the thought-provoking comments. I think he is a classic type A personality, really driven in all aspects of life, career, home and does a lot with kids at weekend. I think I'm pretty interesting too though, like going out for meals, theatre, bars etc...so my feeling is we are going to be fine but need to do 'date nights' a bit more regularly.
@Needtogetbackinthesack really lovely to hear you are loving being a singleton

OP posts:

Robin2323 · 01/02/2020 16:44

Ok I'm Also the one who gets bored and dh has told me he's not there as the entertainment.
But then he's not best pleased with me disappearing off doing stuff. So I find I have to motivate myself to do stuff nearby.

My favourite is gardening weather permitting.

Beware thought 40 - 50 is the time if restock.

One lady encouraged her dh ti rekindle his old rick climbing hobby. Which he did. Met someone else and left.

Just saying it a very funny time

Empty nest hit me bad and dh suffered badly after a bereavement and hitting 50.

But we got through it.

We had a few weekends away.

We restored a telephone box together.

Went bird watching.

To be fair dh did most of the leading but I went with an open
Mind.

It has brought us much closer.

Itwasgoodwhileitlasted · 01/02/2020 18:34

Could he sign up for further education? I am studying for a Master's degree and my boredom has vanished because it's so stimulating

NomDeDieu · 01/02/2020 18:41

Itwagood and there is no way you have to do anything else anyway (another here studying for an MSc).

@Biensur40, he needs to say what he wants to do and then plan.
And then he needs to plan so that it fits within family life, aka it doesnt leave you on own to shoulder all the parenting and HW whilst leaving time to spend time together. (Id be weary of him actually having an issue with being a father and doing all the non exciting things that come with being a dad and leaving all that to you)

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