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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What to do?

26 replies

Shalalashooby · 31/01/2020 23:29

I’ve been in a relationship with a great bloke for ten months. He says he loves me and I believe him. My issue is that he is a workaholic due to getting straight financially after a divorce and has little free time. He has a group of male friends he sees regularly and he seems to make plans with them in advance for nights out (spending a fair amount of money) but i find it difficult getting him to arrange proper nights out with me. It seems to be spending time at his or mine and pinning him down to a proper date involves me asking several times. I don’t think he’s even aware of this but I’m getting increasingly annoyed which concerns me as other than this issue, he means the world to me.

OP posts:
luckymagnoliatree · 31/01/2020 23:34

Talk to him about it! He may not even be aware of what he is doing and how it is affecting you.

SummerWhisper · 31/01/2020 23:35

It's the old adage: actions speak louder than words. He tells you he loves you, but his life evolves around his work and his friends. You are not a priority. He probably likes you, maybe even a lot, but you are number 3 on his list. Move on or at least pull back. Sorry Flowers

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/01/2020 23:35

Why haven’t you told him how you feel?

Tbh, 10 months in I’d be questioning pursuing a relationship where you feel you’re an option rather than a priority.

Original poster
Shalalashooby · 31/01/2020 23:38

I have done in terms of saying I felt as if he doesn’t want to take me out and he reassured me. But his mates seem to get his money for proper nights out. I get that they’re important to him but I also resent the fact he makes time to do lads nights rather than taking me out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shalalashooby · 31/01/2020 23:39

This is where I’m torn. He wants a future but I feel second to his mates. I’m just not sure if I’m over sensitive after a bad relationship previously.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shalalashooby · 31/01/2020 23:43

His mates are only once every few weeks but coupled with work, I feel that the effort isn’t there currently. But then I also know that it’s important he sees his friends. The money side grates too.

OP posts:
KellyHall · 31/01/2020 23:43

You don't even seem to have a present, what makes you think you have a future?

I'm sorry, that sounds harsh, but where is your honeymoon period? How is he showing you that he is worth you hanging around waiting for the scraps of his time he's willing to throw your way? What makes you think that he deserves you? Or that you don't deserve better?!

Original poster
Shalalashooby · 31/01/2020 23:49

That hit home. He is genuinely incredibly busy but I’m hurt that he can do more with his mates than me in terms of nights out.

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 01/02/2020 00:05

What would he do if you organised A night out with him? You don't have to wait for him to arrange something. Take him out, if he won't come, you have your answer

12345kbm · 01/02/2020 00:12

OP bear in mind that workaholism is in the same category as alcoholism or other addictions. I think he's showing you by his actions where you are in his priorities. Work comes first, then his friends, then you. Given the fact that he's a workaholic, I will give you the same advice as I would someone involved with an alcoholic, find someone else. Find someone functional, who cherishes you and priorities your relationship.

Original poster
Shalalashooby · 01/02/2020 00:15

I try to arrange nights out but it takes forever to find a suitable evening and lots of asking. Yet he’s happy to spend time with me at mine or his. It is so contradictory because he genuinely does care and wants a future but I don’t want to waste my time.

OP posts:
Notcoolmum · 01/02/2020 00:19

How do you know he genuinely does care and wants a future when his actions show you aren't a priority?

aroundtheworldyet · 01/02/2020 00:19

So he likes to have a “girlfriend” on his off days.
Why aren’t you invited out with his mates sometimes?

Original poster
Shalalashooby · 01/02/2020 00:24

When he sees his mates, it’s always as a lads night out drinking and no partners go. I feel that he cares because he’s incredibly supportive and honest but I feel in competition with his mates.

OP posts:
12345kbm · 01/02/2020 00:27

He can say whatever he wants OP. He's demonstrating via his behaviour the opposite of what he's saying. Always watch how someone behaves, not what they say. He is not putting any effort into your relationship. He's not arranging dates, he's prioritising work and his friends. You've spoken to him and nothing has changed. I know you're loved up but this is it, plus and this is huge, he's a workaholic.

conduitoffortune · 01/02/2020 00:28

I don't know why you feel he cares. He doesn't care. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but he really doesn't. Less than a year in and already you're accepting being last on his list? He has time to arrange lads nights out and he has the time to come round to your house and shag you but he doesn't have time to take you out for tea? Come on, OP, you know this is bullshit.

aroundtheworldyet · 01/02/2020 00:30

I think you need to start expecting more from a relationship OP
this has been 10 months. And you just hang out when he’s got a spare day. Last minute I surmise?

Or on a weeknight

AddictedToLoveIsland · 01/02/2020 00:35

How long ago did he get divorced? He may want something super casual and not be ready to make a relationship a priority. That's no reflection on you but just where he is at the moment.

If I were you I'd take a step back, do your own thing and see what happens. You may find that in doing that you decide you can't be dealing with HIM! Make yourself a priority, even if he doesn't xx

SHAR0N · 01/02/2020 00:37

So he doesn’t want to go out on dates with you because he’s too busy and doesn’t want to spend the money.

Instead he prefers to come round to yours to eat and drink for free and have sex.

He saves his cash and nights out for his mates.

Despite this, you think he loves you because of what he says.

Have I got that right?

KellyHall · 01/02/2020 00:41

He wants a future of this, not an equal, balanced relationship where he treats you with respect and shows how much he cares for you by making time for you.

Even the busiest of people make time for what they really want to.

MikeAlphaMike · 01/02/2020 00:54

Why did his marriage break down?
Does he have children?

Does he want you or does he just want a guaranteed source of sex?
Might he be seeing other women?

Beastm0de · 01/02/2020 03:32

Your convenient for him. He’s get what he wants when he wants it. Your being used.

If you feel he’s “sensitive” after his failed marriage is an excuse for him to treat you like this, then that’s probably the reason he said he loves you... because he knew you’d stick around.

Don’t be a fool.

FlowerArranger · 01/02/2020 03:39

If it's like this after just 10 months, its not going to get better.

He's got you just where he wants you.

This is him, clear as day. He won't change. Not long term, anyway.

Rainbowqueeen · 01/02/2020 03:40

Sorry op I agree with everyone else.

He says he wants a future to keep you with him. And even if he does want a future, is this the kind of future you actually want??? He won’t change.

Move on now. Wallow a bit but then be proud that you value yourself and your own needs too much to put up with this bullshit

Original poster
Shalalashooby · 01/02/2020 13:37

Sadly it seems unanimous. I've clearly been pretending to myself.

OP posts: