Help please I don't know what to do

[greenfrog87]

So my family and my partner literally hate each other. We've been together 10 years.
My family have offered to pay for me and our son to go on holiday for 2 weeks however my partner has said he doesn't want us to go.
I've just had a message to say that my mums long term illness is worsened by stress and that I'm making things worse by being with a selfish partner etc and it's time I stood up to him
What would you do?

Why are you allowing your partner to dictate what you do? Enjoy your family while you can. Perhaps there's good reason your family can't stand him.

He says he doesn't want me to take our 14m old away from him for 2 weeks. When I asked he said I wouldn't like it if he took him away from me, and no I wouldn't

So go for a week.

So only go for 1 week = compromise

What's the problem between your partner and your family? Is either side being unreasonable or is it just personality clashes?

Why do your family hate your partner? Is it with good reason. If he's a terrible partner and treats you badly then I don't blame them but if you have a good relationship and they don't like him for ridiculous reasons then it's out of order inviting you and your DS but not him. Hard to comment really based on what you've said.

Go without your partner, it will be more relaxing if he's not there.

Where is it? Compromise and go for one week. It’s not the end of the world. Your partner is being a bit of a giant man baby to be honest. Isn’t he working? Why is he so over emo? It’s not like your 14 month old is suddenly going to start playing the piano or reciting Shakespeare. It’s 7 days not a year. I think he needs to get a grip to be honest. What about people who work in the forces. They go away for weeks/months at a time from their kids. He’s being weird. Say “I want to go away with my family. I hear you that two weeks is too much so we will go for a week as a compromise” then just go. If he moans about that then you’ve got bigger issues and it’s a big red flag

My partner would be more than welcome to come - my family accept that I'm with him. He wouldn't want to come.
My last post on here - I was planning to leave him as he is controlling and can be abusive. I have stayed with him in the hole we can fix things.
I think my family have started to realise that.
Well they've probably known a long time but haven't said anything to me.
As a family we have gone on hol 10 times (same place) already in February. DP has never come with us. He despises my family to the point I only saw them for an hour on Xmas day.

I wouldn't go without my OH, wouldn't care what I was invited to, by whom or for what reason. I wouldn't go, we are a partnership

I think it’s wrong of your parents not to include your partner in the holiday. I would be very hurt if my in laws wanted to pay for DH to take my dc on holiday but not me!

Ah x post with the drip feed.

Your H is controlling and abusive but you won't leave him, or are too scared to, or he's said all the right things?

It sounds like he is trying to keep you isolated from your family....

Presumably he works 5 days per week so it wouldn't be a huge difference to how much he sees DC usually?

I was in a similar situation to yours years ago. My ex used to use our DC as an excuse to stop me doing things too. All the time.

He was very controlling and for a long time I couldnt see it. But my parents could.

Does your DP tend to stop you spending time with your family? Has he always been like this? Or has something specific happened between your DP and your parents?

My parents paid for me to go on a cruise with my DM, just us. The reason was to let me see there was more to life than what DP was allowing me to live.

DP tried every excuse to stop me going. My parents pre-prepared solutions. In the end he just said I wasnt going. So I told him we are over and now I dont need his blessing

They obviously don’t like him if he’s abusive. If there was none of that involved I would have said don’t go your husband should be your priority. However if he has been abusive and your mum has a serious illness that makes it different. Go on the holiday and let him sulk. Have u had family holidays just your partner and child?

Sorry missed your update. Definitely sounds just like my DP!!

I missed out on so many family events because of him.

13 years I stuck at it due to fear of living alone, coping with DC on my own and fear of not being able to pay the Bill's without him.

Turned out all that fear was for nothing!! My biggest regret now is not doing it sooner.

Life was amazing after getting rid of him, everything just felt so easy and relaxed and life is all about having fun again.

You should go for the full 2 weeks. Let him sulk, get angry at the way he treats you or controls you. That's what I started to do and it gave me the courage and determination to want the life I know he was stopping me living. Took me a year to build up to it tho

I left it out because I wanted peoples opinions without going into our relationship, like what would you do if we were just 2 normal people.
Although we totally are not. And I do see both sides.
Yes he doesn't like me seeing my family or spending time with them.
We had a big discussion when I said i wanted to leave him, which ended with me staying. I know I probably should of left, but I didn't.

The thing is we can’t advise you as if you have a normal relationship lovely becatse you don’t, you have an abusive one

Why are you staying with him?

My DH has always been very hands on with the DC he would have said he will miss them but happy for me to have gone.

I

To be honest, if your family doesn't like him, I can understand why he wouldn't want to be around them, even if they invite him (on charity basis: because of you). Who wants to be where they're not wanted?

Secondly, if he's controlling and abusive, that's a whole other twist to it. You shouldn't stay with someone who's that way towards you. No wonder your mum is stressed. Before that abusive part, I was thinking she was being a bit too precious but no one wants to see their child in an abusive situation.

Take this trip as your opportunity to leave, if you say you've been trying to do so. Agree to go for a week, even 3 days but then leave and don't return, just work out childcare with him from a distance or through a 3rd party. Maybe that's what he's afraid of.

Ok OP in answer to your original question, in principle yes it would be unreasonable and controlling for any partner to refuse to allow their child access to the rest of their family for two weeks, if they knew the child would be safe, just because they didn't like those family members. I would think it weird and controlling if anyone I knew told me that.

Oh, well that puts a massive spin on things and of course it would
change peoples answer. I think you should go on holiday with your family and don't go back.