Extremely attracted to man

[Marbu]

I've namechanged as some of my friends know my other username. I'm not a troll.
I'm single. I'm early 40s. I've got to know this man through a "hobby". We sit next to each other. From the first moment I saw I him I felt an instant bolt of attraction.
We've known each other about 2 years and we meet about once a month or so but only while doing the "hobby".... oh for heaven's sake! Fucking hobbies. It's a musical activity.

The attraction hasn't died down at all and in fact it's got to the stage where my body seems to be out of control. I have to sit next to him but I'm so attracted to him I'm having...er... physical reactions. Basically he gets me all hot and bothered without doing or saying anything in particular. It's really quite horrendous actually.

I'm not interested in a relationship with him and he is showing no indication of being interested in me and I'm getting a possible gay vibe - he's never mentioned a partner. I don't obsess about him or think about him much at all between the times when we meet up though we do occasionally chat on WhatsApp. Every time the music session comes around I think it won't be this bad this time and every time I see him my body goes off on one. (I don't like the term "fanny gallops" but that's what it is basically)

I've not felt like this in years and years. My question is really whether any one else has experienced this? Whether you think it's hormonal? Is it possibly my body's last ditch attempt before peri-menopause begins? I've read that some people get an oestrogen boost before things decline and that's why some people end up getting unexpectedly pregnant years after their next youngest child.

What do you think? And how do I calm it down?

Sounds like to have good chemistry with him, why not find out if he's single and crack on?

It’s your age.

Pheromones, he must have your type. Also you're age, your in your prime I'd say late 30's to - well, still in mine though late 40's now. Crack on as Wiffiepops says, don't waste what could be your best decade, its not guaranteed post menopause, be a crime to waste it 😉

Yes I was thinking it was my age.
I don't think he's interested though so I might not be able to just crack on with it!

Message him and ask if he fancies a drink after your next rehearsal for god sake woman

Good grief. Yes message him. You can't waste good chemistry like that. In my experience good chemistry is not usually one way.
At the very least you can flush out whether he is gay.... there are ways. Does anyone else at your choir know him better than you and can appraise you of his sexuality?

@Whathewhatnow oh it's definitely an orchestra!

Why don't you start talking to him, ask what he did at the weekend, if he has a partner that kind of thing?

I'm not sure about the comment on you having "good chemistry" with him. That doesn't appear to be what you've said at all. Good chemistry is you're both feeling it, but from what you've said this is just you fancy him, he shows no interest and may be gay.

Just start talking to him, ask questions, see what happens.

If he shows no interest and you think he’s gay, I wouldn’t be asking him for a drink or telling him how you feel.

If you sit next to him every time-talk to him, ask questions-find out something about his life.

Oooh I remember feeling that way and I am jealous! After a early hysterectomy and, despite, HRT, those days of stomach flipping, toe curling, crushes or even fancying someone, are long gone.

My advice is to enjoy it and make your move!

It's an orchestra and he's my desk partner so would all be rather awkward if I tried to ask him for a date or something.
We do go out afterwards for a drink as part of a group.
I think it's my hormones reacting strongly to his pheromones.
We do chat on Whatsapp but we've never got round to the personal stuff like if he has a partner or is gay.
I do know someone who knows him in another context and could fish some info from her but she'd know what I was up tp straightaway.

Need to control the fanny gallops though. Can't really play properly with all that going on.

Isn't the musical world like this though? Working so intensively with others, creatively, lots of people have affairs.

Chemistry like that is hard to come by !

If it were me, I'd find out as much as I could just in general chit chat. Surely you'll get a vibe from him if he likes you....you've known him 2 years...does he give any signs at all???

God I wish my fanny still galloped! It’s been a while!

God I wish my fanny still galloped! It’s been a while!
Haha! Yeah it had been a while for me too before this happened with this bloke. Took me by surprise.

Surely you'll get a vibe from him if he likes you....you've known him 2 years...does he give any signs at all???
He accidentally touches me a lot (not anywhere inappropriate), hugs, always makes sure he sits next to me at the pub afterwards. Things like that - where I think yeah, he might like me. But there's a feeling that we are both keeping each other at arm's lengths. It's a bit odd.
I do know quite a lot about him but no mention of any partner or even anything like an ex-wife. That's why I wondered if he's maybe gay. I'm in another country where homosexuality is unfortunately not as widely spoken about and open as in the UK. I know all about his parents, brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, his job, his hobbies, stuff like that and nothing about him and his relationship history.

I came out of a bad relationship just over a year ago and I'm still coming to terms with it now so I wonder if I am inadvertently keeping him at bay and he senses that. I'm not sure I have the guts to plunge into anything new at the moment and even going on a couple of dates is maybe a bit too much for me at the moment. I've lost trust in men.
That's my head talking.

My hormones are saying something else!

I got a bit like that a couple of years ago, and in retrospect it was just before I went into perimenopause. I was having inappropriate reactions to pretty much any man who looked at me, and at the time I was trying to make a good impression at a new job, so it was actually pretty embarrassing when I got the aforementioned gallops in the middle of an appraisal with my male manager. All I would say is that I didn't really fancy any of these men and it would have been a bad idea if I'd tried to follow up on these feelings. But it sounds like you're only reacting like this to the one guy?

Yes, I'm only reacting to this one bloke like this.
I do suspect approaching perimenopause to be the culprit. I'm 43 and no other symptoms yet - just these crazy gallops sitting next to him.

At least I'm self-employed so no chance of them starting up inappropriately next to a manager!

Maybe you just really fancy him! I wouldn't overthink it. Make some discreet enquiries in the form of "So what are your weekend plans?" type small talk and see if he mentions a significant other. I'm useless at gauging whether someone is interested in me or not, so I can't help there, but you can at least see if he's single and straight and take it from there.

You sound a bit confused. You say that you don't want a relationship with him but are also thinking about having a relationship with him! I think you have go to work out what you want first ie if you think it would just be a fling and that would ruin the orchestra for you, get over him. If you think it would be worth it or you are looking for a relationship, get under him!*

*as long as you both want to, of course.

I married the man I sit next to at band. He popped round to my house one day to drop some music off and I made a move, we've never been apart since! (still sit next to each other at band, significantly less flirting and fanny flutters 12 years later tbh)

I don't understand ehy are you dismissing this as your last chance before menopause?

Why does menopause mean it's all over?

Give yourself a break and live in the moment, enjoy life - take a risk and find out if he's interested. The worse thing to happen is, he will say he doesn't feel the same and you go back to being friends in the orchestra.

I have this at the moment with someone. It's so irrational, I find it irritating. I don't have the time to not being able to walk past him in a corridor without nearly fainting! He's not even conventionally good looking.
Are you actually attracted to this guy in other ways or is it just a biological thing? Cos with 'my guy' he ruins it everytime he opens his mouth.

I don't understand ehy are you dismissing this as your last chance before menopause?
Why does menopause mean it's all over?

That's absolutely not what I was saying at all. I was asking if it was my body reacting to a possible rush of oestrogen. I was under the impression that this does happen before the onset of the perimenopause. It's the body's last chance at reproduction sort of thing.

I don't mean it's my last chance to shag someone and have a relationship with them. Of course it isn't.
I'm thinking about why my physical reaction to this man is out of control.

Are you actually attracted to this guy in other ways or is it just a biological thing? Cos with 'my guy' he ruins it everytime he opens his mouth.

I'm attracted to his personality too.
He's also a very nice person.
I think he's quite nice looking but he has had cancer (in remission now) and it has affected his looks. I'm not really bothered by looks - I never have been. Attraction for me has mainly been about personality.

But I think the majority of it is biological.

@Marbu chemistry is always more important than looks. I find the typical 'Brad Pit' types a bit dull, rather have a billy Bob Thornton!