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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

To grieve death of horrible ex-boyfriend?

28 replies

NoProblem123 · 30/01/2020 20:22

Just that really.

Went out for 4 years. He left me when pregnant with our daughter.
Never paid a penny, never got in touch, posted on every social media what a great life he was having while I raised our special needs daughter for the next 17 years.

Found out today he died recently.
Lots of dark stuff on newer about his poor mental health so pretty sure it’s suicide.

Gutted.

OP posts:

MikeAlphaMike · 30/01/2020 20:31

Try not to think about it. It is sad when someone kills themself.
You were close to him and he was your daughter's father even if he wasn't much of a father.
Concentrate on the future.
Hugs and best wishes.

redexpat · 30/01/2020 20:34

Oh im sorry that must be really hard. Is there someone in rl you could lean on?

Theres an episode of griefcast thats about an estranged mother who died. That might be worth a listen.

Gutterton · 30/01/2020 23:01

So sorry to this happened. V complex emotions for you to deal with. Does your DD know? Does she need support to come to terms with this? Was he on birth certificate?

Original poster

NoProblem123 · 31/01/2020 00:57

Yes he is on her BC, he had contact for first year then nothing.

I haven’t told her. I don’t know what to tell her. How is she going to feel knowing he did this after never getting in touch. I can’t tell her that.

OP posts:

yellowallpaper · 31/01/2020 02:01

I personally wouldn't give it more than a passing thought. He sounds a complete tosses where you and dd are concerned

yellowallpaper · 31/01/2020 02:02

Tosser

And why upset dd over a man she doesn't know and never cared about her?

Gutterton · 31/01/2020 08:13

Any chance of a silver lining - an inheritance - however small for your DD?

Afrigginggoat · 31/01/2020 08:24

I have a friend whose ex was a tosser too. He did have some contact with their child but was a poor parent at best. When he died suddenly as a result of crap lifestyle choices she was broken. Grieving for her child's loss, for the life they could have had. And of course she had to tell their kid. It's totally understandable you feel like this. I do think you need to tell dd her father isn't alive anymore. She may harbour hopes of him appearing one day and sadly she needs to know that can't happen. You don't need to say how. He was ill and couldn't get better. That's enough and is as true as anything.

Afrigginggoat · 31/01/2020 08:25

And that's a good point about inheritance. It's her right to receive a share of his estate.

yesterdaystotalsteps123 · 31/01/2020 08:28

Just tell her in an appropriate way he died and it's ok for her to be sad even if she never knew him. You aren't even sure it was suicide so don't think she will find out independently. I'm just thinking if she knows he's dead there'll be no hoping he'll get in touch. It's sad but he was more of a sperm donor than anything by the sounds of it and his choice

mamato3lads · 31/01/2020 12:16

It generally does hit you in the gut when someone you knew well dies especially if they die through suicide... let yourself feel the grief or shock , its pretty normal, and it will pass.

Gutterton · 31/01/2020 19:18

What were his family like? Is it worth your DD having a relationship with her “grandparents/aunts/uncles/cousins”

SandyY2K · 31/01/2020 19:57

That's life.

Never paid a penny, never got in touch

he had contact for first year then nothing.

ItFigures · 31/01/2020 20:22

Sorry for your loss OP. I’ve often wished my ex dead but actually, I’d be heartbroken if he took his own life. He’s a bar person but his DC don’t deserve that.

NeverGuessWho · 31/01/2020 20:34

that’s a really tough one, OP.

I’m sure it’s opened old wounds. Does your DD ever ask about him? I would be crushed, too. It’s like having to face head on, all over again, that he was a really shit father & partner.

Give yourself time to grieve. Xx

NeverGuessWho · 31/01/2020 20:34

Sorry for kisses on the end of my post.

Original poster

NoProblem123 · 31/01/2020 20:56

That’s for all your kind comments.

Dd doesn’t ask but gets old photo albums out and likes asking about her older sister. None of his family kept in touch or tried to get in touch over the years. I kept my old phone number for 17 years just in case. I’ve moved house a couple of times but parents haven’t so they could have done, he could have done.
Seeing his recent posts about him being manic depressed and lonely after years of watching his amazing life across social media has really thrown me.
I’ve now seen posts about his funeral which I didn’t know had happened.

OP posts:

Gutterton · 31/01/2020 22:39

Noproblem this is v tough for you. Did you like his family - would you want to reach out to them. Was he a good father to the older child? Does the older child know about your DD? Is this a potential opportunity to connect them - do you think that there is any value in the two DDs being connected?

Honestface78 · 31/01/2020 22:47

Hi OP,
You don't need to tell your daughter anything if you don't want to. You only know through social media so it could be said that you were never made aware, should the subject ever arise in the future. A shock to you and a time for reflection I'm sure, but don't fret x

Missarad · 31/01/2020 23:25

He chose to be lonely he didnt have to be x

Original poster

NoProblem123 · 01/02/2020 09:10

I would have loved the older sister to have been in our lives yes. She was 13 when I had her but lost touch when partner left. Always thought she’d get back in touch once she got older but she never did and she must be nearly 30 now.
None of his family went to his funeral (he lived abroad for those 17 years) and no one told me anything about him being in hospital or dying or the funeral and it was weeks ago.
I feel I should have been told instead of finding out from fb.

OP posts:

Gutterton · 03/02/2020 15:01

Yes you should have been told and it is disappointing that they didn’t reach out to your DD in all of that time. However he may have forbade it? And they sound like they may have been dealing with the hurt and trauma of a wayward son (or have I miss understood? Was he an addict?).

His other DD may well have suffered more than your own DD if he was an absent and erratic parent for the first 13 years of her life and then totally abandoned her.

Do you think she even knows of his death? How would you feel reaching out to her - it might be a v valuable relationship for them both in adulthood?

MTwhyowhy · 03/02/2020 15:12

This happened to me a year ago, ten year relationship, which slowly became awful, he became very abusive so I left, no children with him but when I found out (via Facebook like you) it hit me like a ton of bricks. Only now do I feel I've processed it. I think suicide makes grief supercharged, the constant reminder of the depths to which they must have plummeted, the lack of self love and the thought of the loss of the potential they had. Just give yourself lots of time. Its a complicated scenario and throws up so many conflicting feelings.

AlexaAmbidextra · 03/02/2020 15:45

I recently found out that my ex-husband has died. We were divorced in 1987 after a fairly short marriage due to him being abusive. But like all abusers he could also be charming. He didn’t commit suicide but he did neglect himself after his next wife left him and his cause of death was pretty horrible. As pleased as I was to be free of him I feel huge sadness at how he wasted his life. He was good-looking, intelligent and had so much going for him. I find he is on my mind a lot at the moment. Not because I loved him but because it was such a miserable end and one that I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

Original poster

NoProblem123 · 03/02/2020 17:20

It’s such a weird sort of grief - one moment it’s the worse news ever and puts me right back to feeling completely heartbroken like when he emigrated, to thinking this isn’t my grief to have and that he’s basically a stranger.
I feel so sad that he was in such a dark place, and he had no family at his funeral. And I question now how much if his fabulous fb life was even real. And should I have reached out to him over the years, and most of all why he never contacted dd in all that time.

OP posts:

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