My cheating husband wants to go on a lads stag

[ughcantthinkofaname]

Hey everyone,

I'm not here to be judged about reasons why I stayed with my cheating husband, it's more complicated then "just leave him", especially with the culture I was born into. I got married when I was 22, and now am 24 with a beautiful baby. Before, during and after pregnancy, my husband cheated on me many occasions many different ways, called girls, texted girls, dating apps, met escorts, slept with escorts blah blah - you name it, he's done it.

I've asked for a divorce many times, but being Asian and in this culture, my family cared more about reputation then taking me back, as did his. Having a baby and unsupportive family, I can't leave him just yet until I've come about my own way to support myself and my child. Financially, I've depended on him as I've been caring for his mother. Recently, I've been saving my own money, working instead of being his mothers carer after the way he's treated me. He knows now that soon nothing can stop me leaving so he's been "kissing my ass" a lot. Basically, being all nice, trying to remind me why I fell
In love with him in the first place etc etc. Dw ladies, I have my head screwed on, I'm not going to fall for that shit.

Anyway, long story short, his best friends stag is coming up and they've booked a villa and so many of them are going and he's like "no no we're just going to chill, we're not going clubbing or drinking or anything" (in our culture we don't drink) but when you're with your lads it's different. So, i went on the group chat for the lads holiday and they've booked a club night, talking about the ladies and what happens on holiday stays on holiday and all this stuff.
Should I let him go? Do you think he will cheat on this holiday too? What would you do? Need advice/opinions.

Plz don't say "why do you care? You have intentions to leave anyway" as I'm not sure when I'll be leaving, could be another year or so and quite frankly I'll be ignoring comments along those lines anyway.

Thank for reading x

Fit a locked cock box on him

Give me one reason he wouldn't cheat? Of course he will if he gets the opportunity and picks up a willing participant...paid or otherwise.

Well since OP is ognoring ALL the comments anyway, I'll happily say in reply to 'what would you do?' - I'd have left already, because I've been penniless and homeless before, so that holds no fear for me. And I'd have offered to care for his mum for money rather than for free.

But OP, you won't care, because none of us have a magic wand that will make your husband love you. That seems to be what you want, because what else is there but leave? Or stay and put up with whatever he chooses to do? There's no half measures, no reasoning with him, no changing him.

So you put up with it or you leave. How you manage until you leave is up to you - but it's all about managing yourself, because he doesn't care about you so he will never modify his behaviour for you.

I’m glad you’re working towards being able to leave. I hope you can access support and get out soon.

On the issue of the stag do - as many others have said he’s pretty obviously going to cheat on you but then he’s almost certainly going to cheat on you if he doesn’t go.

I don’t see what you have to gain from trying to stop him from going. There’s the vindictive aspect to it - which I totally get and somewhat support except it’s rarely as satisfying as you want it to be and, in any case, you aren’t free of him yet and you could probably do with focusing on just getting out of there as smoothly as possible. Being vindictive keeps you emotionally attached to him and that’s really not healthy with someone who treats you so badly.

There’s probably a part of you that feels hurt knowing so certainly that he’ll be lying to you about it all and cheating on you at that particular time. Which, again, I understand, but it’s not materially any different from what he’ll be doing anyway, you’ll just have a very clear idea that it’s happening in that particular timeframe. You would be better off, for your own sake distancing yourself from the idea that his being faithful to you is of any consequence anymore. You’re leaving. He is vile. You don’t want to be invested in his faithfulness anymore, that can only lead to more heartache.

Depending on what he’s like and what you’re relationship is like you may be able to “trade” “letting” him go with minimal hindered effort for something that’s valuable to you - access to more money if that’s a problem and he keeps money from you or you have difficulty squirreling some away for just your use, or maybe he would take the baby for a weekend while you go away (and start trying to sort a move or just relax with your friends).

But mainly I would advise giving up on the idea he is going to be faithful anyway - he isn’t. Stop sleeping with him. Stop expecting him to change. Just move forward with your plan to leave and detach from him as much as you possibly can.

Are you married in English law or is it an Islamic marriage? Just wondering in terms of your legal rights when you leave and if you are able to claim joint assets etc.

V similar background. Frustrates me so much...don’t drink, but can justify cheating. Honestly...

I'm not sure when I'll be leaving, could be another year or so

Honey let's face the facts. You will never leave. If your post was sincere in that you've got no intention of ever staying with this man etc etc, you wouldn't give a tiny rats ass what he does on this holiday because it's not your issue anymore. He's cheated multiple times before which you've allowed, what will trying to stop him from doing it again achieve? Other than to kid yourself that you've somehow regained some control. Which FYI, you clearly haven't as he's still lying through his teeth.

What @muddypuddles12 said.

If you wanted to leave you would have done so already.
I've seen threads on here where women have left their entire lives behind due to dv, if their husbands found them they'd be murdered. They still did it.
You don't need to/ nor can you stack up enough money to support yourself and son for the next 18 years That's why we have a benefits system in place.

Should I let him go?

What makes you think that a) he cares about your opinion and b) you could stop him.

You H is a prolific cheat, he will do as he has always done and cheat again.

I think deep down you want to believe he’s genuinely sorry and won’t do it again and you’re desperately trying to control a situation, you don’t have any control over.

If you intend to stay (even if it’s just in the short term) you are going to have to stop caring what he does and with whom before you drive yourself crazy trying to policing his behaviour.

Sorry you’re going through this OP.

As others have said, when he’s away you can start planning your exit. Gather the documents you need, get them copied, make a plan.

Good luck

Yes he will cheat. You know this. You can't ban him from going places and keep him under lock and key to try to prevent it. You also know this. He doesn't need to go on a stag do to cheat, he can do it any time he pleases. You know that too. And he will do it anyway. Irrelevant of where he is. You know this.

This is the life you're choosing right now. It's likely better to simply accept it rather than pretend and try to ban him going to places and kidding yourself that will stop him.

Of course he won't cheat. Feel better?

Yes he will cheat. He's probably shagging around at home. Please don't have sex with him anymore as you'll be putting yourself at risk (I bet he won't wear condoms with you). If you get pregnant again please be honest with the midwife so they can tear for STDs straight away.

You are contradicting yourself. First you write:
Dw ladies, I have my head screwed on, I'm not going to fall for that shit.

Then you say:
Plz don't say "why do you care? You have intentions to leave anyway" as I'm not sure when I'll be leaving, could be another year or so

Why does it matter when you'll be leaving him? If you have made a final decision to divorce him, that's it, you REALLY shouldn't care what he gets up to. Even if you're going to be stuck with him for another year. I honestly don't believe you have any intentions of leaving him, that's why you are concerned about him: You intend on remaining his wife, so you want and expect fidelity from him. Which, I can guarantee you, you're not going to get.

Either you actually divorce him (when you can) and don't concern yourself with what he gets up to, or you remain in the marriage and tolerate being cheated on.

I understand that you feel that you can’t leave yet but please say that you aren’t having sex with this ‘man’ anymore?

@Brokenlightfitting that made my morning 😂😂

You sound like you're putting on a tough act. You sound scared and confused. It sounds a scary situation OP and I'm sorry for you. No support from your family too

Is he goading you? So if you say no there are consequences?

'Just' leave is easy to say but seriously, get into a refuge. This is not a healthy situation for you or your DC.

He’s an adult you can’t really stop him from going he will cheat if he goes or not he’s already proved that just keep planning to leave him and don’t have unprotected sex with him

Or course He will cheat but like the poster above suggested use that as a bargaining tool. Ask for more money, time alone etc. Say as he is spending x amount you think it only fair that you have a amount to spend and then put the money aside for your future.
Do not get pregnant again to him.
Don't have unprotected sex with him.
Stop caring for his mother.
Let him think he is winning whilst you play the long game.

He's going to cheat on you whether he's abroad or not. It makes no difference by the sound of it.

Personally, I'd enjoy not having to speak to him for a while, whilst he's away, or see his face.

If it's up to you whether he goes or not, you could spite him and ruin his chance of a holiday. He's treated you appallingly. Gather your evidence to show your family how he's treated you. Never mind his, yours is all that matters.

You need to leave this marriage as soon as you can.

Can't you get into a women's refuge and plan from there?

Errr no, you can’t take one of the vanishingly limited spaces in a refuge for having a cheating arse for a husband. These places are to keep women safe. Cheating is shit, but it doesn’t put anyone in danger.

I do think you should get some legal advice though, OP, in case there are avenues or financial support you might not have considered. It must be horrible living under the same roof as someone you’re emotionally separating from and who seems to have separated from you long ago.

As for the stag? I agree with PPs - you can’t stop him anyway so the best thing to do would be to wave him off encouragingly, you know full well he’s going to cheat but show him you don’t care.

Of course he will cheat. Let’s face it, stag nights are an excuse for many men to cheat (even ones who never have before) but your H has form so he almost definitely will.

Just wave him off with a smile, don’t let him see that you’re worried in any way about it. You’re going to leave anyway so let him get on with it. Please don’t have sex with him though, the last thing you need is an STI.

You knew his track record and all the different ways he was a cheat and yet went on to have a child with him.

You're disempowered because of your culture and you believe you're stuck with the situation.

So with the above in mind, you're now asking if you should "allow" him to go on a lads holiday. You don't have a say, he doesn't respect you so the reality is he's going to ignore your feelings and wishes.

The alternative is consider how you can plan towards getting him out of your life. It may not be immediate, you may have to take time but this is of far greater priority than one isolated stag holiday.

He's . Never. Going. To. Change.

You cant stop him doing what he wants to do. Yes, he will cheat. You already know this.

Regardless of your culture, you need to leave. You need to find other support networks other wise this is going to be your life.

So either accept it or do something about. Either way what's the outcome.

1. You free yourself from hurt and find someone who cares about you, or
2. become someone you dont know I.e. controlling wife, stressful, not a good role model for your child.

You need to do make decisions. Not mumsnet...