My cheating husband wants to go on a lads stag

[ughcantthinkofaname]

Hey everyone,

I'm not here to be judged about reasons why I stayed with my cheating husband, it's more complicated then "just leave him", especially with the culture I was born into. I got married when I was 22, and now am 24 with a beautiful baby. Before, during and after pregnancy, my husband cheated on me many occasions many different ways, called girls, texted girls, dating apps, met escorts, slept with escorts blah blah - you name it, he's done it.

I've asked for a divorce many times, but being Asian and in this culture, my family cared more about reputation then taking me back, as did his. Having a baby and unsupportive family, I can't leave him just yet until I've come about my own way to support myself and my child. Financially, I've depended on him as I've been caring for his mother. Recently, I've been saving my own money, working instead of being his mothers carer after the way he's treated me. He knows now that soon nothing can stop me leaving so he's been "kissing my ass" a lot. Basically, being all nice, trying to remind me why I fell
In love with him in the first place etc etc. Dw ladies, I have my head screwed on, I'm not going to fall for that shit.

Anyway, long story short, his best friends stag is coming up and they've booked a villa and so many of them are going and he's like "no no we're just going to chill, we're not going clubbing or drinking or anything" (in our culture we don't drink) but when you're with your lads it's different. So, i went on the group chat for the lads holiday and they've booked a club night, talking about the ladies and what happens on holiday stays on holiday and all this stuff.
Should I let him go? Do you think he will cheat on this holiday too? What would you do? Need advice/opinions.

Plz don't say "why do you care? You have intentions to leave anyway" as I'm not sure when I'll be leaving, could be another year or so and quite frankly I'll be ignoring comments along those lines anyway.

Thank for reading x

I don't think it really matters if you allow him to go or not at this point. You know he's capable of cheating in any circumstances. Your marriage is over. I would suggest you distance yourself from him completely while preparing yourself to make your exit.

Yes obviously he will cheat. Can you think of a single reason he wouldn't? And you can't stop him, he's already shown you he doesn't care how you feel or what you say. So, there isn't much point to even thinking about it. The marriage is dead, he's a serial cheat, and there's nothing to save.

Agree with everyone.

In fact let him go with a smile and a wave. He’ll be more worried you aren’t stressing. You don’t need to stress. You have a plan, a child and youth on your side.

Wave him off but never ever sleep with him again yourself.

Then leave when you can.

I reckon you surprise him by turning up as the escort?!

Now imagine his face........

He's going to have sex with whomever he chooses... You will find out and NOT leave him... the end.

1. Should I let him go?

Such a strange question. He is a fully grown adult with free will. So how could you stop him?

Do you think he will cheat on this holiday too?

Yes.

What would you do?
Cling on to the prospect that one day I will leave him. Start to put myself out there for my next relationship to begin.

He’s got no respect for you. Why wouldn’t he cheat when there’s been no consequences to him doing it many times before?

How would you stop him going?

I love the suggestion of waving him off with a smile. That will really freak him out. Best revenge is not giving a fuck! Don’t boost his ego by begging him to not go on the stag.

Do you have doormat tattooed on your forehead?

What a sad excuse of a marriage.

agree with pinksparkleunicorns - you might have been brain washed into believing that lads in your culture don't drink but believe me there are exceptions.

Anyway, what do you want? do you want him to respect you and be faithful and be the perfect husband forever? seems a bit a of a tall order.

What's the point of trying to stop him?

You can't trust this guy wherever he is - stop trying to control or police him and just get on with your own life/your own plans. You'll only drive yourself crazy trying to get him to be faithful.

Obviously stop the sexual side of your relationship.

I don't care what culture you're from, it's no excuse to be abused by a cheating STI riddled scumbag. Can't you get into a women's refuge and plan from there? Contact women's aid. Get out of that relationship asap, do whatever it takes to look after yourself and your daughter. If you can't get into a refuge stay with friends, get a job, steal his money (ie take a wage for caring for his DM) whatever. If he has money for a lads holiday, he has money for you. Make something up and escape.

I'm really sorry to hear how he's been treating you OP. Caring for his mother, while looking after a baby with such a disrespectful husband must be very tough.

Please get an STD check as untreated STDs can cause lots of long term problems such as cervical cancer and infertility. I understand that you don't have support but, lots of women don't and are poorly advised to stay in abusive marriages. It is abusive by the way and I can only guess at the way he speaks to you.

See if there is any support available locally. You need to start planning your exit strategy and that may take a while. However, as you plan you know that there's a light at the end of the tunnel and this doesn't have to be your life. I would also see your GP about long term contraception so you don't get pregnant again and, if you feel able, speak to your GP about what is going on.

You can find your local domestic abuse organisation here. See about getting training or qualifications that will help you to get a job. There are many courses available to study online and, some of them are free for those on benefits or earning under a certain wage. Take a look at this for example. At the moment Reed are having a sale and offering lots of courses very cheaply.

You can contact an organisation called Gingerbread who can give you advice on life as a single parent. There's an organisation called Rights of Women who give free legal advice. Also take a look at the CABx guide to ending a relationship so you know what you need to do and what questions to ask a family law solicitor which you can find here.

You can't do anything about your husband cheating on you. He's not going to stop but, you can make sure that your child is brought up in a loving, supportive environment.

I couldn’t be bothered what he did. It’s dead in the water anyway. Don’t waste anymore precious life or headspace in him. Whatever you do it can’t be worse than the position you are in now

Yes he will go
Yes he will cheat
Don't have sex with him

I'm sorry to read your message you no best and your reasons why to stay with him. Would you ask him why the boys can't arrange another night out locally and say he can't go. That it's not working for him?
Mind yourself and make sure your tested least you will no if you caught anything after x date that he did do the dirt

Let him go, physically to this event, and emotionally.

You know what he is. Thankfully you have the respect for yourself not to accept it, just keep on building yourself up to leave. What he gets up to you can’t control, you can only control your reaction to it. Which is to not give a shit, he’s not going to stop because if he cared about you he wouldn’t have done it in the first place. Just bide your time and get out as soon as you can,

Hopefully he’s not expecting sex from you still, protected or not? I would make up a issue down below which needed long term treatment and meant sex was not possible if he’s the type to think he’s entitled to it despite you knowing he’s been putting it in other women.

Will you have any support when you leave? Will he and your families make it difficult for you with regards to your DC?

He’s lied to you already about staying in when they are really going out. Of course he will cheat. If you are not ready to leave him you have to accept that.

I wouldn’t have sex with him ever again as you don’t know what he has caught. Get tested ASAP for everything. Some things have no symptoms but can be passed to you and could make you infertile or be a precursor to cancer of the cervix and other organs in that area without prompt treatment.

Just because he likes shagging other women doesnt mean you should end up ill because of him.

You may wish to remarry in time. Family and cultural traditions are all very well but why should the women somehow be the shamed one.

It used to be the same for Christians and now the majority are much more accepting of divorce. It’s not as big a deal apart from in the Catholic Church.

Even a member of the royal family marrying an actress isnt an issue nowadays when 50 years ago it just wouldn’t happen!

Things change only because strong people pave the way. I hope in your circle that thought of ‘shame on the women/her family’ are replaced by thoughts of ‘it’s a shame it didn’t work for that couple ah well they’ll meet someone else each and be happy, it’s sad but will all be fine’.

In the meantime you need to get a steady job to support yourself. Get down to womens aid and get advice on housing and benefits as them you can make an informed decision on what to do. Good luck.

Could you leave/ stay with someone while he is at the stag do?
Would that be the time to make the break?
Good luck.

Honestly.

Even though you've said don't ask about cheating etc.
You're being cheated on
You're raising your child in a dysfunctional relationship that will effect them forever
You're stronger than you know

Posting here. You know what you need to do. And when you finally get there, you will have unceasing support

What a horrible situation you are in. I’m sorry your family are not supporting you to help you leave the twat. It’s almost imaginable to be treated that way by your own family. I actually think you must be incredibly strong...to be facing this all on your own.
Right back to the question...he’ll go on the stag do and will most likely cheat of the chance arises. What you’ve got to do if detach from him as much as you can emotionally, accept he will always be this way and get your ducks in row.
I’m sure there are charity’s that can help you in your situation. Start looking into them for some extra support. Good luck and I wish you all the best and happy future xx

Op, take a look at Hopscotch - they have a list of Asian and Muslim specific help for women in your situation.

I can't add anything else beyond what's already been said, but I'd be tempted to sprinkle itching powder in any underwear he's left behind. Why not have the joy of letting him think he's caught crabs?

You cannot stop him going or drinking or cheating
Let him go, be out when he leaves and when he is due back
Dont waste your energy worrying about him
Dont bother discussing it with him, he is not worth it

Massive does of laxatives in his breakfast drink before leaving

Then spend the time getting copies of everything you need in the house. Transfer any money you can. Remove anything of value- you can probably get his car as well as yours -drop him at the airport. (assuming you both have one)

Dont be there when he gets back.