How did being involved with a narc/abuser (or ditching them) effect you emotionally?

[Interestedwoman]

As some of you know, I recently ditched an exploitative narc.

Day 1 / 2 of NC and I've noticed I feel more clear-headed, it was like I was in some sort of loved-up fog that effected my intellect, and it's lifted. I did notice at the time occasionally, in the rare event I would get off with him towards the end lol, a couple of times he waited until I was really horny to start with his 'how do you feel about doing X with Y?' 'Or Z?' etc etc. I felt at the time that I was in a trance-like state and he was trying to make use of that.

Anyway- starting to get my brain back! I think that love-fog is also part of how they suck us of ambition. I was always the sort of person who had a little scheme/plan for a career or whatever, and for most of the 18 months with the narc I didn't have that, I floated along in that spacey, mind numbing fog. Towards the end I started to have plans, do courses etc though. Now I've ditched him, it feels like I'm starting to get my brain back!

Mine was a covert narc maybe, so I didn't tend to feel down when I was with him (although maybe a bit lonely when he wasn't around) he wasn't overtly controlling about most issues.

Anyway, so how did it effect you emotionally to be with or ditch a narc/abuser?

I hate to see a thread like this with no replies. I hope what I write is helpful to you. Sorry if it's too long.

Stay strong and keep at it love. It gets better. It gets so fucking much better!!

With him:
Terrified to be alone, certain that I could not get by without him - him specifically. I thought that I truly depended on him, needed him.

Afraid I wouldn't ever be happy with anyone else, or - worse - that nobody else would be happy with me.

Absolutely swooning with pride and self worth on the rare occasion he would laugh at a joke or involve me in a conversation. Those extreme peaks and valleys are indeed how they get you.

Strangely, simultaneously, I was deeply ashamed that I'd got myself into such a mess and terrified of the disappointment from my family if they knew the truth. I despaired that I had lost all of my family and friends, by having been utterly isolated from them. I truly believed that they would have turned their back on me after all that time and would never want me back in their lives or trust me again.

Anger and itense burning hatred toward him, and very often blinding frustration that I wasn't strong enough to fight back, but also terrified of not being with him.

Afraid for my safety. All the fucking time. If I said the wrong thing, cooked the wrong way, worked too late, came home too early, suggested the wrong activity... I knew I'd be in for it.

Nervous all the time. Most of the time it didn't actually matter what I did. If he so much as smelt alcohol, or if he were just in a bad mood for no discernible reason, I was in for it.

But I was very protective of him. I'm still not 100% clear on why, but that's abuse for you. When the police would come - they did rather often - I would lie for him, protect him, even take the blame for him, and get arrested instead of him. And I would run right back to him as well.

I was completely of two conflicting minds at all times - the rational me who knew he was a violent piece of shit and would love to piss on his grave, and the brainwashed me who remembered the few moments of good times and was utterly convinced that I needed him physically, mentally, and financially.

Which was positively ridiculous as he didn't work, drank all day, beat the shit out of me any time anywhere (and was even pulled off of me several times by our friends or even strangers in public - humiliating), and spent all of my scant hard earned money on booze and whores! How I was ever so bloody SURE that I couldn't eke out a living without his help is still beyond me! He did a bloody number on my head, that's certain; might have been brain damage?

After:
Stupid. For quite some time I felt very stupid.

Well let me go back. Initially - for the first few days - I felt very angry at the friends and family who literally dragged me away to safety, against my will at the time. I felt betrayed by the friend who spoke to my family, and I felt invaded by those who executed my removal. Strangely, though, as they were pulling me away, I was trying to fight him! I think some small part of me realised that I might have a chance to win for once with that protection? I don't know really!

At the same time, I also felt humiliated that my loved ones had indeed found everything I'd been trying to hide and ashamed that I'd made them feel sad and afraid for me.

Then I felt very scared of what would come. I felt responsible to him and guilty that I'd left him alone to fend for himself. I couldn't fathom how I would manage without his special brand of "support" and just his presence. I was sad and lonely and mourning the end of a relationship that had become familiar - and of course afraid of the unknown future. The devil you know and all that, eh?

Then I was anxious and scared that he would contact me, but surprisingly I found myself serenely emotionless when he did.

THEN I felt stupid. I felt stupid that I'd ever fell for any of his lines, that I'd ever believed I needed him, that I ever let his thoughts pervade and push out my own, that I'd let it go on so long I wasn't capable of getting out on my own.

Then, eventually, I felt elation and intense soaring freedom! I could do what I wanted, wear what I wanted, go where I wanted, speak to whomever, say what I thought, buy what I liked, and not do anything I chose not to do - perfectly safely!

I understood that I had been wrong about EVERYTHING, and I was so fucking overjoyed to have been so wrong!

I was wrong that I needed him - he was draining me in every way a person can be drained, and I was immeasurably better off without him.
I was wrong that I couldn't get by without him - I thrived and succeeded once he was in my past and no longer dragging me down, holding me back.
I was wrong that I couldn't be on my own - life on my own was peaceful and happy, and I got to know myself again.
I was wrong that I wouldn't be happy with anyone else - I had good, healthy relationships after and eventually found the love of my life.
I was VERY VERY WRONG about my friends and family - they were only genuinely happy to have me back in their lives again. They welcomed me with open arms, gave me space when I needed it, helped me work his thoughts out of my head and put my own back, and most of all, loved me.
I was wrong that I ever loved him - I had been in pure survival mode for years.

And now, almost 20 years later, I hardly think about him at all. I would absolutely, without a second thought, tell my younger self to avoid him at all costs, of course, but I'm not bothered about him today.

When I see the scars on my face and body - can't miss them in the mirror - and I don't hate them. I obviously don't love them, but I fully accept them; they are part of who I am. They are trophies of survival. They are armour. I would never thank him for what he did to me, but I know that survivng those years made me the woman I am today. And I am bloody strong.

A couple of years ago I found out that he managed to get himself killed in a drink driving crash (single car - no other victims, thank God!), and do you know what I felt when I heard the news?

I felt absolutely nothing.

I'm scared. A bit. Only 1 month out & trying to arrange access visits. He told me if I ever left he'd take the kids & I would disappear. Then when I confronted him he told me he didn't say that but what he did say was if I ever got together with anyone else he would skin them alive & make me wear it as a coat ....but that he would never hurt me.
Free.
He quit his job 1 week after moving in with me. 21 years together... He was unemployed for 17.
I swing hourly between peace & something else.
No regrets.

JWrecks - what an amazing post. Thank you so much for sharing that.

Thanks all.

@Sametimenextyear We must keep on keeping on! Feel free to PM etc whenever xx

People with strong narcissistic tendencies are 'takers'. They pick partners (even if they are not fully aware of it) partly because they have qualities they lack. With my ex covert narc I felt he was going round and round in circles. He wasn't somebody who wanted to develop and grow as a person or improve himself. I would say that one of his worst traits was 'flogging dead horses' - he literally did it with everything important in his life. His work, his marriage, his friends, his employees. I realized that if I stayed with him the cycles would just repeat themselves. He never self-reflected.

I know what you mean about the brain-fog, though. The first year or so is really difficult I think but then you realize life is so much less complicated and you are not having to do someone else's work as well as your own. I was constantly making allowances for him. One of the biggest challenges (for me) is realizing that my choice of husband was heavily influenced by my family and upbringing. (Narcissists aplenty in my family, some also married to narcissists.) It's a steep learning curve and journey but at least I feel I am setting an example for my children and hopefully breaking toxic family patterns.

I’m a completely different person, he’s changed me (for the worse) forever.

But NC feels amazing!!!! It’s SO SO SO SO hard at first and I honestly felt like I was dying of heartbreak but I’m over a year down the line now and it feels so fucking good.

he’s changed me (for the worse) forever.

@Fedupwithmyhouse In what ways? :( Could you get therapy or something to try and turn it around? I've found therapy very helpful with other issues.

Glad you feel better for going NC xxx

I felt alot of what the posters have said. But what sticks out most is guilt, stupidity and fear. Like I was responsible for what he did to me.
Fear that I would never be me again.
And stupidity that I had let it happen, that I hadn't seen the signs.
And even after he had emotionally abused me, controlled me, invaded every part of my life, broke down every barrier I had. Mentally tortured me, manipulated me, humiliated me and eventually beat me...well I still loved him. That's what I felt most ashamed of. That I still loved him. I sat outside a woman's refuge and cried because I wanted to be with him.
I can honestly say he broke every part of me. But 3 years later I'm immensely proud to say I've put every last one back together.

Dont get me wrong I still hurt some days for the things I went through. And in a way I'm still not that person I was before him. I'm stronger and better and happier. Because he took my strength and tried to make them weaknesses. He bullied me about every mistake I had ever made and used them as weapons to prove to me that he was better.
Well he wasnt. He never was and he never will be. Because I am kind and strong. I have determination and empathy and I'm pretty fucking awesome.
These men will never be able to climb to our level so they trick us into thinking were like them, they try to bring us down to their very low bar.
For a long time I doubted everything I felt. The crazy making had worked.
For a while i was scared of everything and everyone. Trust was not something I had the power to possess any longer.
For some months I felt shame at the worry I'd caused my family and was crippled by an overwhelming disappointment in myself.
I felt immensely lonely because it wasnt just a break up. No body understood how I felt. I couldn't just get over it. I switched from being isolated by him to detaching myself from everyone who cared.
Then I realised he was still controlling me. I had escaped him physically but not mentally so I made a decision.
I decided to be kind to myself and give myself a fucking big pat on the back. I put myself in therapy, the police had referred me to WA and they kindly offered me a year of trauma counselling. I embraced it.
I started talking to people. Friends and family. About how I felt. What he had done. I didnt hold back for fear of them being hurt or disgusted. I got it out and by doing that I felt the shame ebbing away.
I decorated my house, I nested. I worked on my physical health, lost 3 stone and learned how to meditate.
I have ptsd, that will never go but I learned how to deal with it.
I accepted the night terrors, anxiety attacks and sleepwalking as a positive. My minds way of healing and recovering. I learned to love myself again and to stop hating him.

I even found the strength to stand upto him in court, I won.

He wouldn't recognise me now. And for that I'm grateful. This will be the hardest journey of your life . I'll make no lies that it wont. But I can also promise you that the rewards you will reap will be so fucking worth it.

You're a warrior and never let anyone tell you different. He will always be a sad unhappy cunt and that's the truth.

It was terrible, the immediate aftermath. C-PTSD. It ended in violence and that affected me profoundly.

I was in a terrible state. Couldn't work, eat or sleep. But you know? It and he were the best things that happened to me. I have recovered and I am strong. I am in the best job I could possibly be in, I love it. I love my life. My boundaries are amazing. My confidence and my strength. My friends - I really know who they are, and I love them. My kids and my house, my health, me. I value it all so much.

I'm not changed for the worse. I'm changed for the better. I really believe that. He hasn't damaged my trust in the human race, he hasn't changed me, my essential character, but he's forced me to evaluate my boundary setting. And he's made me realise how strong and amazing I am.

You'll get there OP. Be pleased you're out, and stay out. I know of people who cannot leave their abuser and will never be free -and despite all the awful degrading treatment, the abuse and abandonment, the cheating and the violence still believe that's what love is. Bah! Stay free. If yours is a narc. He'll be back.

"He will always be a sad unhappy cunt "

@ALittleBitConfused1 In what ways was your ex a sad unhappy cunt? I think it'd help me to see him that way, as the tendency is to see someone who exploited me as more powerful and skillful than me etc.

. If yours is a narc. He'll be back.

@ThatThereWoman Glad to hear you're doing well. I don't think my narc would chase- he relies on his effect on people. So for instance when another friend of his was briefly annoyed with him as she felt he hadn't been in touch enough, he claimed to have said to her 'You'll be back, I'm charismatic.' I don't think I believe he said that to her aloud. She was back tho unfortunately!

His health is poor so he doesn't have it in him to run around much- he often claims he has to sleep. I think he would see chasing another person to any major extent as demeaning to his ego. He gets off more on people's feelings for him causing them to behave in certain ways- confiding in him etc.

@ALittleBitConfused1 You're amazing. Also:

These men will never be able to climb to our level so they trick us into thinking were like them, they try to bring us down to their very low bar.

Yes! Brilliantly stated.

Thank you Jwreck, upmost respect to you.x

Well I dont think anyone that is happy feels the need to make someone they profess to love unhappy. When I love someone it makes me want to be the best version of myself. It makes me want to build them up, support them.
A confident secure person does not try to belittle others, humiliate them. Who would want to control and destroy someones self esteem if thwy love them. Surely if you're secure in you're ability to make someone happy you dont try to control them.
They do these things because it shifts the power to their side. They have to make damn sure you dont have the courage to leave them. Because in reality they know you should.

My ex was an alcoholic. He was unable to manage his life without alcohol. It numbed the pain for him. I learned quite quickly it was safer not to drink around him. He used to buy me alcohol and get so angry when I didnt want it. He used to tell me I was more fun drunk. I wasnt, it just meant I was at the same pity party as him.

He would feed me and feed me. I've lost so much weight since I've split with him. I feel good and look great. He didnt want that because he was so insecure about how he looked. He knew something I was too brainwashed to see. That I could do alot better than him.

I was strong, feisty, independent, funny and sociable when I met him. I was the exact opposite within a year. That's how he liked it.

Those are not the qualities of a happy secure person.

Also he used to say to me. I'm a nice guy me you're the cunt. Over and over.
Do you know what in all my life I've never felt the need to peacock my qualities and tell people how nice I am or what a good person I am.
The reason being is because I'm actually a decent good nice person 😁

'Also he used to say to me. I'm a nice guy me you're the cunt. Over and over.'

Grrr :(

^'Do you know what in all my life I've never felt the need to peacock my qualities and tell people how nice I am or what a good person I am.
The reason being is because I'm actually a decent good nice person'^

Good point. So glad you're out and doing ok. xxxxx

Oh yes.

I'm a nice guy me you're the cunt.

and

Do you know what in all my life I've never felt the need to peacock my qualities and tell people how nice I am or what a good person I am.
The reason being is because I'm actually a decent good nice person.

It was always me. I had made him do it.

The infuriating thing in my case was that, aside from those few who were the very closest to him, other people believed that bollocks. On the surface, to strangers - particularly other males and drunk girls with gigantic breasts - he was the picture of charming, light hearted, funny, quick to smile and laugh, considerate, everything.

Yes, he seemed to be a different sort of friend to other people in a way. Maybe he put more effort in with them, IDK.

I'm in the process of getting rid of one, but the battle continues. He is using his narcissistic tendencies to lie, manipulate, punish me & be "right". He has to "win".

Unfortunately we have children together & are still living under the same roof. I just want to run for the hills.

The worst thing for me is that me initiating the separation has increased his Narcissistic tendencies & he is unleashing it all, punishing me (he was the one who had a sodding affair!). He is playing the victim.

He is another who has a "nice guy" narrative for himself. You'd never know he was a narc to start with. He is friendly, amiable etc, but it's all surface.

The rot is underneath.

I have examined my own role in this through counselling (I have co-dependent traits, so the perfect hunting prey for him).

I did not protect myself enough. There is a lot of work to do on my boundaries, assertiveness etc.

I'm thinking of going to one of the CODA meetings.

Focusing on myself, not him.

Good luck, OP.

@MakeMineALargeProsecco Sorry for the delay- just spotted this. The Freedom Programme is a good one to go to, which shows all their tactics etc so you can spot the manipulation/control when they do it, and spot any dodginess in men in future.

If the idea of co-dependency helps you then go for it. I read a book on coercive control though, and it said that the theory that a lot of women stay because they are co-dependent and kind of victim blaming. Instead of asking why women stay, we can ask why abusers stay- look at all the things they're getting out of it.

Women in abusive relationships are actually constantly trying to carve out space for themselves to get a bit more freedom etc, and they frequently reach out to try and escape.

@Interestedwoman
Thankyou.
Mentally exhausted ATM. Police. Dv counsellors , changing bank details & sorting it so I can't continue to be electronically monitored.
Really grateful for the thread.
I am changed & it will be for the better.
He used to say about an earlier girlfriend that he'd gotten her best years. Together for 21years married for 16. I'm 45 now.
I'll bet he thinks he got my best years too.
Nope.
His whole existence is based on a lie.
He's 50 now.
I think actually, that I got his.

As the FOG shifts, you realize that as a person you have been undermined, trivialised, objectified - basically not been 'seen' for the person that you are. Whatever you brought into the partnership/marriage was taken for granted and given no value. You were expected to give up your identity to support your partner. Your role as a mother was given very little value apart from being a 'babysitter'. Your role as 'wife' was undermined and given little value despite your devotion to husband and family.

What a load of f bollocks.

@Sametimenextyear- it's good that you're getting all that help. Sounds like a lot to sort out.

In what ways have you changed?

Good for you for looking at it that way. It's true that they're lives are based on lies- in what ways was that so with your ex?

I was chatting to an ex of Bob's from about six years back, and he spun her a completely different line. With me, he came across as really together, respected, successful, hardly ever showed a sign of emotions in daily life. I wanted to get to that part of him and I felt he didn't really show it.

With her apparently, he went on about what a tortured soul he was, how unhappy he was with his life etc.

With her he exploited her tendency to be too caring/suckered in by a sob story. Physically I would run round after him as his health was poor, but as a person he pretended to be someone who was quite together, who I could look up to and idolize. I got irritated with him not showing much of a chink by the end, the unavailability at times, and the obsession with sex.

She said he's an 'entity' driven by sex, his physical actions and the personality (the con game) he portrays are puppets manipulated by this entity. He is lost inside, and a very messed up little boy with one bollock and an impotent micropenis.

Everything was a lie.
Because of mumsnet....8 mths ago I found out what he was doing had a name.
Cocklodger.
Then I found out financial abuse was a thing. That sexual abuse in a marriage was a thing. Gaslighting stonewalling, triangulation, diversion.
Then I stumbled across the power wheel.
I could tick every box.
I documented it for 7 months. Finally cracked 10 days before Xmas.

He's taken 2 of our kids. I have 3 with me. Watching as he's alienating me. The kids think I'm a monster because he's so covert about it. I don't properly get to see the ones with him.

Trying to get legal aid so things can be put in writing. I can't afford solicitors as he bled me completely dry.
He is deliberately trying to destroy me , emotionally & financially because that's who he is.
Hindsight is a bit of a bitch.
Now I understand what he's doing, I can see he did it all along.
He'd tell me he loved me & I was beautiful everyday.
But the words NEVER matched the actions.
He wanted "strong" children....told me that's why he picked me.
I was to provide a service.
Children
Housework
Financial support
To make him look good to whomever he wanted / needed to impress / dupe.

I ended it ...caught him in so many lies.
The only truthes about his life are he was married to me & we had 5 kids.
Everything else about him is a lie.
He is empty. All he has is what he can take from other people.

I'm different now. On a bad day I'm devastated. He's taken everything I ever cared about & destroyed it.
I trust no one. Especially people who are nice to me or tell me they love me.
I'm fearful he'll be true to his word & one day I'll end up in his car boot or something. ( Loved to reminisce about previous exploits).
Paranoid.
I shake.

On a good day I'm grateful.
Grateful for the lessons I learned.
That finally I'm raising the bar.
That I can hopefully teach my beautiful kids what a healthy loving relationship looks like.
Grateful that I have a life & can make my own decisions.
Ready to start taking back everything he stole from me.
Peace
Identity
Joy
Laughter
Happiness
Real smiles

I refuse to let him make me bitter.

Oh & in my case " entity" is absolutely correct.
A bottomless pit.
An evil manipulative demon with a bit of skin pulled over it.

You are in the eye of the storm, take it day by day because you will get stronger and you will get through this. Focus more on you and less what he is.

We often see people on here consumed with their ex and what they did. There comes a time when you need to move you and your new life to the forefront and focus on getting the life you want. If you aren't sure what you want, then start thinking about it.

Wishing you the very best x

Straight away I felt free.
I felt like my old self again.
It took a lot of strength to block him/ignore him because he tried every evil nasty trick to get me to react. I learned very quickly to ignore everything. Dealt only with solicitors.
Very happy now. I have a lovely dp and a completely different amazing life.