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Original poster

School mums don't like me but love kids dad

48 replies

Felicty16 · 30/01/2020 13:50

Hi

Long story short my lo goes to a very nice school. The school mums are very clicky, I'm incredibly friendly when I see them, but I'm not as involved with school life as i work full time so bearly get a moment to be there. My kids dad is 100 pc in their groups as he has that luxury since he works from home and for himself. They adore him and go to him over my head with regards to my child, despite the fact i am the main parent residentially.
One mum specifically has frozen me out and ignores me. I went to her house once for a party, right at the beginning of the new term, and whe made some weird comments about how i try too hard. For whatever reason she just does not like me at all.

I feel stupid, and isolated and that I'm loosing control, control of what I don't know ... but I just don't feel like one of the mums you know...

Anyone else ?

OP posts:
InDubiousBattle · 30/01/2020 14:07

Try not too take it too personally. He's there often and you're not, that's all. Maybe that one woman has taken issue with you for some reason, she might have been having a shit day, might just be an arsehole- you'll most likely never get to the bottom of it so probably best to just ignore it and try to not let it get to you. Do you actually want to make friends with school parents? If so then keep being pleasant and perhaps organise play dates with only one or two kids at a time?

Original poster
Felicty16 · 30/01/2020 14:15

That's sound advice...i needed to hear. Thank u so much for taking the time ... x

OP posts:
changedtempforprivacy · 30/01/2020 14:35

Is this your child's first year at the school and they are at reception?
I'm a reception mum. The play dates /mum cliques aren't going to affect your children's friendships, and as they grow older, they will make their own plans.

As far as you having main residence, they may not be aware of this if you do t see them at the school gates. You can maybe address it tactfully in person, at a birthday party or play date..if they are cliquey just tell.one friendly one your situation and rely on them to gossip

cjt110 · 30/01/2020 14:38

Fuck 'em all is my advice.

I was friendly with a group who are very clicky when my son started reception. I just don't gel with them - I don't do half the things they do, I work 30 hours a week and only have one child whereas they are mainly part time or stay at home parents.

If you've tried and they don't reciprocate leave DS' Dad to it. One less drama for you to deal with

cjt110 · 30/01/2020 14:39

Oh, and I'm not an arsehole to them, I pass pleasantries in the playground but wouldn't go for a coffee with them.

purpleboy · 30/01/2020 14:40

Sorry if this sounds horrible it's not meant that way but you said, your incredibly friendly with the mums. Then one of them said you try too hard.
Do you think you are trying too hard? Maybe if you scale it back a bit they might be more receptive? Sorry if I'm totally off the mark just the first thing I thought.
i would probably take a step back from bitchy mum and look for someone else on the fringes who is possibly feeling like you, or initiate conversations with some of the other mums who seem nicer?

Haworthia · 30/01/2020 14:57

I think it’s probably multi-layered.

  1. Dads doing the school run are a bit of a novelty
  2. There is tacit disapproval that he is around for pick ups more than you
  3. Queen bee (house party host) has made it clear she dislikes you and so the rest of the clique follow

My advice? Fuck ‘em Grin

Original poster
Felicty16 · 30/01/2020 15:27

I haven't registered the novelty part - i agree!

  1. It's ridiculous...I work twice as hard as he does and am there for my lo 24/7 except the times i want to be
  2. She really is a cow ... I wish I had never met her or even given her the chance to disprove of me ...

Thank u for replying xx

OP posts:
Isbutteracarb · 30/01/2020 15:32

Queen bee mum sounds like a total cow, who says that to someone? Sounds like their problem rather than yours OP, if they want to act like mean girls in high school just leave them to it.

CobblersandHogwash · 30/01/2020 16:01

There are always cows at the school gate and their idiot lackeys who moon after them.

I'd stop trying. Just give up. Don't bother. Just pick up your kid and go home.

It always irritated me when dh came on the school run. The fawning over him from women who would have given me the time of day. I was embarrassed for them.

So many silly cows!

dontgobaconmyheart · 30/01/2020 16:06

You don't really know her very well OP, to be fair, to be calling her 'a cow'. Jist rise above it- you don't sound like you like them so therefore what does it matter of the feeling is mutual. Spending time with them sounds like a bit of a bore anyway.

I wouldnt lower yourself to measuring your self worth by the school mums. They're entitled to like the DC's father if they want, I'm sure there could be any number of reasons for that but it doesn't have to reflect badly on you. Maybe you do try to hard and they found it disingenuous- either way you tried, you were polite, there is nothing to be embarrassed of. Will they matter in a few years? No.

YasssKween · 30/01/2020 17:07

Oh god OP the fawning I've seen over dads who get even a tiny bit involved in school life is incredible! And I agree it's lovely when a dad is involved but equally so when a mum is AND not everyone is able to be. You'd never get someone saying about a random mum "isn't she good meeting xxx at the gate every day" - there is such an extra credit for dads doing the same thing.

Don't get me started on people who say the dad is "babysitting" when he has... drumroll please... his own children by himself for a night.

It's never been the dad encouraging the weird double standard in my experience so doesn't make me thing badly of them at all, just an odd natural extra credit thing for people with a dick!

whydoihavetogothroughsomuch · 30/01/2020 19:09

It's the same when you don't work. I am so glad I am passed that stage now but feel for you. It's so hard.

RebelWithVerySharpClaws · 30/01/2020 20:53

Fuck em. Plenty of nice people about you don't need to worry about what the world class arseholes think about you. Dads are always fawned over - how marvelous they are to pick their own children up. Fuck fuck fuck em dude, life is too short.

whataboutbob · 30/01/2020 21:15

Aaah that brings back memories. The mums with the better handbags, cars, blonde highlights , connections than me . Making an effort but just not feeling I had anything in common. Being subtly excluded a times. Then one day not bothering anymore. Eventually I met some mums I actually liked and even made a good friend, but for me stopping trying with the ones I didn’t care for was a relief.

Potatobug · 30/01/2020 21:25

Just leave it to you husband to deal with them, he has them eating out of his hand. Only mix with them if it’s necessary, and tone down the friendliness. Why are you trying so hard to win them over? Who the fuck are they?

Bloomburger · 30/01/2020 21:29

Be like the queen, smile and wave and watch their petty dramas from afar because she'll be taken down a peg or two eventually and then you can smile and wave with a smug expression on your face.

2monstermash · 30/01/2020 21:34

My sister is having a similar problem... She works full time long hours and just can't do yoga and brunch with the mummies and has been iced out. Do you actually want to be friends them? You're probably far more interesting

CooCooCoo · 30/01/2020 22:55

Oh they’ll be throwing themselves round him because he’s such a hands on dad .
To fuck with making friends with playground mums. I couldn’t think anything worse. Anything goes wrong and you’ll have them around you til the kids move school. Na!

EmeraldShamrock · 30/01/2020 23:06

Ignore them. Don't socialise with them, I'd encourage DH/DP to play it cool a breezy hello, no contribution to the Watsapp group.
The last thing he'll want is to be sucked into some drama, it is inevitable once a few fall out he'll be expected to show who's side he's on. Scare him with that.
I'm not even in the class watsapp group. You're not missing out not making pickup many don't they are lucky Grin

JustonTime · 30/01/2020 23:20

I was completely blanked out for similar reasons. 1. I was working and get this............ 2. I was a single mother!

They seemed to despise me? You know that way that you can sense what people are thinking? A reticent nod versus a friendly hello?

I'm a very outgoing and friendly person but felt totally outcast by the Mums in the club. My dc went to the same clubs as theirs, but while the Mums (all married) chatted among themselves, I wasn't included. So I stood alone mainly. That makes me sad actually when I think back. But it was their problem with me, not anything wrong about me.

DontCallMeDarling · 30/01/2020 23:20

I'd carry on being polite but otherwise, just step back and get on with your own things. Honestly, who says things like 'you try too hard' to another adult you don't really know at a kid's party, it clearly isn't meant to be helpful. Some people seem to forget that it's their children at school not them! Who needs to create drama, when the World is full of it at the moment Hmm

SandyY2K · 30/01/2020 23:24

This takes me back many years, when a group of mums were doing this with one dad.
His DD (about 9 at the time) told the mums they were behaving inappropriately towards a married man.

Some of the mums called her a right little madam (not to her face) ....but it was because they'd been called out on the flirting.

I felt they were embarrassing themselves and I'm sure his DD felt something was off, because these very women barely spoke to her mum.

Ignore them OP. They will not add anything to your life.

Whathewhatnow · 30/01/2020 23:30

Okay so maybe one or more of the harem will be eyeing him up in a "why can't my kids' dad be like this, take me now...." kind of way. The others will just see you as an anomaly and someone who challenges the status quo and SAHM dynamic.
Neither of these are your problem to worry about.
Or,

Whathewhatnow · 30/01/2020 23:31

Dont know why the "or".. fat fingers, sorry ...