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Original poster

School mums don't like me but love kids dad

48 replies

Felicty16 · 30/01/2020 13:50

Long story short my lo goes to a very nice school. The school mums are very clicky, I'm incredibly friendly when I see them, but I'm not as involved with school life as i work full time so bearly get a moment to be there. My kids dad is 100 pc in their groups as he has that luxury since he works from home and for himself. They adore him and go to him over my head with regards to my child, despite the fact i am the main parent residentially.
One mum specifically has frozen me out and ignores me. I went to her house once for a party, right at the beginning of the new term, and whe made some weird comments about how i try too hard. For whatever reason she just does not like me at all.

I feel stupid, and isolated and that I'm loosing control, control of what I don't know ... but I just don't feel like one of the mums you know...

Anyone else ?

OP posts:

Monty27 · 30/01/2020 23:31

OP bitch face is probably jealous of your having a hands on partner.
Don't even entertain her.
Blank her in future and meet nice DPS when you have the chance to do the dreaded school drop offs.

JustonTime · 30/01/2020 23:31

The only Mum who was friendly to me happened to be probably the most well off in the village. Well, no probably about it. But she was friendly to me and also felt that she was ignored by the in-group. We didn't become best buddies, but our children did. She was also married, but told me not to take offence to certain things etc. I think we might have become good friends but time and life just didn't allow for it. She was also 20 years older than me so a little wiser perhaps.

Bouledeneige · 30/01/2020 23:33

I was the not there very often working Mum. All that primary school cliqueyness fades. The playground can feel very excluding. I ended up with a handful of good friends and didn't worry about the rest. I couldn't keep up with the membership so didn't try. But I have had a great career and have a lot of other friends outside the school village.

StinkyWizleteets · 30/01/2020 23:34

I hear you OP! I’m not in the mums clique and I’m not in the class WhatsApp because of that. My daughter does suffer socially because of that but it will change as she goes to high school. My partner is the opposite. They all think he’s handsome and cool and are really friendly with him. The mums invite him along on the dads Xmas night out but haven’t ever even mentioned to me the existence of their nights out. Once in y2 they did all arrange a night out at one of their houses while I sat there with them (at an after school club) and not once did they consider inviting me or recognise how awkward and bad mannered it was to discuss this big night of drinking and whatever else they get up to. Recently one of the few mums I do talk to and thought I got on well with added my OH to a WhatsApp group for her kids party. Problem is he never remembers dates or details so my daughter will probably not go as he’ll have forgotten.

JustonTime · 30/01/2020 23:46

I wouldn't worry too much. I think it's jealousy. Honestly. It's no reflection on you.

You see it on here even. Women fawning over the men who comment. I don't get it myself, I must be missing the gene, but I think there is an element of bored wives with a man who they perceive to be a good father suddenly coming on the scene. Their vagina gets wet.

anon2000000000 · 30/01/2020 23:53

I talk to a couple of school mums but I don't go out my road to do that.

LightDrizzle · 30/01/2020 23:54

They sound ghastly. Don’t go beyond common civility with them.
DD1 went to a VERY smart Oxford school for a couple of years in primary. We were a pretty laid back and very mixed bunch of mums and the odd dad (including Jeremy Paxman!) then a new mum joined and she was a social networker ahead of her time. It became all about which gym everyone was going to etc. I had neither the time, inclination nor money, the fees were a big stretch. She quickly dismissed me anyway as I was a very young first time mum. Most of them were lovely but she did get a dazed following of sorts.
I really shrink away from cliques. My dad was the same. He went to public school but loathed all that “Where do you ski?” insular bottom-sniffing from county-set types on first meeting.

MintyMabel · 31/01/2020 00:38

work full time so bearly get a moment to be there

And yet

am there for my lo 24/7 except the times i want to be

If he’s always at the school stuff you seem to be underplaying his input. They know him more and find you try too hard, so you know what their problem is.

Why are you so bothered about it? What issues have they gone to him with that you needed to be involved in?

PhilCornwall1 · 31/01/2020 05:08

Arrgghh!! School Run Mums!!! as I used to call them. I used to do the majority of school runs when our two were at primary/junior school (now 18 and 13 thank god!) as I work from home.

It was great to observe them from a distance and you could always tell the boss of the group who the others thought was wonderful. My wife thought it was a giggle the way I categorised them:

Sporty Mum - always at school in her gym kit. (No she wasn't an instructor).
Ball Breaker Mum - sharp suited business woman.
Model Mum - different outfit and makeup for each school run.
Gobby Mum - no explanation needed.
Constantly Late Mum - again no explanation needed.

Only advice I could give is to leave em to it. School run cliques are toxic and you can guarantee they are stabbing in the back whichever one isn't there at the time.

Cyberve · 31/01/2020 06:05

She probably fancies your husband a little bit, hence hates you. He's more hands on than her husband is no doubt and she is jealous. Just ignore her. It's sad.

loopery · 31/01/2020 06:19

I’m a SAHM and I still get excluded from the cliques. I find it all exhausting. I was hoping to meet a couple of likeminded mums that would be good friends and we could go shopping/coffee etc but it just hadn’t happened and the constant gossip/back stabbing is relentless. I just keep myself to myself which is lonely at times but it’s better than constant rejections!

jeanne16 · 31/01/2020 06:28

I had similar issues when my DS was in Reception until I bonded with 3 other Mums who had also been excluded by the clique. We are still good friends 15 years later. If you look, you are bound to find other excluded ones. It’s a bit like avoiding the cool gang and finding the nerds.

user1493413286 · 31/01/2020 06:37

I’d take a bit of a step back and try not to worry about school mums. It’s like anywhere like a workplace where there are cliques and sometimes you’re in it and sometimes for no real reason you’re not.
I agree there may be some novelty value even jealousy in how involved the children’s dad is.

champagneandfromage50 · 31/01/2020 07:22

Never given a hoot about the school mum arseholes. I was usually the one rushing to drop my DC off or there dad. I didn't have time to hang around chatting or going for coffee or for a morning run. They were arrogant and were SAHM although would point out they are professional woman who gave up there careers to be at home. They were not very nice people, sickly smug who looked down there noses and dear god if a man was around a lot they would fawn over him as if he was god like. Sad state of affairs as females where we have striven for equality that this still happens..... ignore them!

Whereisthelaughter · 31/01/2020 07:40

This isn't meant to sound mean, little disclaimer before I write it in case it does...
Do you have friends? Do you desperately want anymore?
If the answer is yes then no, just don't worry about it.
I work full time, often aren't there for pick up and don't really know the mums. I make polite chit chat when I am there but I'm not seeking friendships, I have friends. I'm there to drop my kids off and pick them up.
Try to just see it like that. Good luck.

ShowOfHands · 31/01/2020 07:55

Where the heck do you all live? Is "very nice" code for private?

Our playground is full of normal people. Some childminders, lots of SAHPs, lots of WOHPs. No fawning, no silliness. I go to the playground, chat to DH's bf's Dad and my mate C and then go home or to work as appropriate. I think I must live in a parallel universe.

Deathraystare · 31/01/2020 07:59

I felt they were embarrassing themselves and I'm sure his DD felt something was off, because these very women barely spoke to her mum.

That's a very astute D there!!!

restingbitchface30 · 31/01/2020 08:04

My how I miss that gaggle of parents who don’t work and have nothing better to do than gossip and make others feel like shit! Been there done that. I tried to be one of these chatty friendly playground mums. Soon realised it wasn’t me. I’m not into chatting about what little poppy is having for tea and how much she has spent on her for Xmas. Frankly I couldn’t give a shit! So just be yourself and if they don’t like it then fuck em!

purpleboy · 31/01/2020 08:12

I'm with you ShowOfHands.
Dc are at private school but everyone just gets along, wouldn't dream of excluding anyone from the group? Anything arranged is on the WhatsApp group so everyone is invited to everything. Sometimes a couple of the mums will stand alone, sometimes I or someone else will make the effort to talk to them sometimes not, but if you want to be included it's not ideal to stand away from the group.
It's really sad reading all these stories, it's a shame women can be so obviously bitchy to each other for what appears like no reason.

Teateaandmoretea · 31/01/2020 08:21

I agree and disagree show. I find it like that now. We did have a mother though like the OP describes, but she realised 90% of the parents thought she was a twat so flounced to the local private school (where 100% think she's a twat now from what I've heard). She swiftly dropped the 5% who fawned around her when she was off to bigger and better people so has been left somewhat high and dry.

The key OP is to take away the power. Just say a cheery hello when you walk past these people but don't stop until you find someone else normal to talk to. They are there .

dottiedodah · 31/01/2020 08:34

Some women will always be like this, School Gate seems to bring out the worst in bitchy behaviour somehow! I remember well how some of the DMs would crowd together ,and the rest of us would be scattered about! I found a nice friend who was the DM of a little girl in DS class (The mums group all had DS) and would talk to her /go for coffee etc .DS (quite small then) seemed a bit surprised that I wasnt friends with his friends DMs if you see what I mean!

Urkiddingright · 31/01/2020 08:36

Don’t even bother trying to change yourself in any way to suit them or fit in with them. They really don’t matter, I promise. Your DC will eventually grow up and you won’t have to do the school run at all anymore so will never see these women again. Continue as you are and don’t waste any more time worrying about it.

GrannyBags · 31/01/2020 09:11

Thank heavens for High School. No more of this rubbish. I was befriended by the Queen Bee mum as we had a big house, had been on holiday to Florida and I didn’t work so she thought we were rich. Actually we had a big house because we had moved from a place where house prices were a lot more, the holiday was a present from my dad and I was very depressed about not being able to find work. She soon dropped me when I committed the cardinal sin of going on a bus!

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