*Sensitive subject* Is this rape?

[LifeReflections]

My DH (20+ years older than me) always had high sex drive. Gets funny if I say no to sex so I never say no for fear of offending him and just can’t be arsed dealing with the silent treatment & arguments after so easier to just agree. I came home from work and he’s right by the door as I get in and starts hugging me etc. I knew what he was after but was not in the mood at all. Said I was tired didn’t feel well etc and he persists, leads me to bedroom and we have sex. I didn’t want to but I didn’t say no for reasons above. Just after some advice

It's not a healthy relationship, that's for sure, and it's not OK. You shouldn't feel pressured into sex.

It’s certainly coercive control of sorts- but perhaps you need to consider why you are settling for a relationship that you cannot be honest in and are not being respected in. My advice? Get some personal therapy to examine why you are setting for this low level relationship and work on your self esteem as you deserve so much better.

Whether its rape or not OP, this man is ABUSIVE. You need to leave him straight away. He is almost forcing you to have sex on a regular basis and has no care for your feelings at all. He then further abuses you with silent treatment if you do refuse. Disgusting man.

It's coercive rape.

This is morally wrong and is also a crime.

He's an abuser who abuses you not only because he enjoys it but also to continually chip away at your own "personhood" in order to keep you under control. A bit like occasionally delivering a zap on an electric dog collar, he periodically delivers fear and punishment to keep you submissive.

This will only get worse, he is a physical danger to you and you need to leave him. I would speak with womens aid put in place a safety plan to leave this man. His sense of ownership rings alarm bells.

How old were you and him when you first got together?

Yes it's coercing you into sex you don't want
You should never have sex to keep the peace or make sure he's in a good mood

It's coercive and abusive OP.

You are only saying yes because you know you will be punished if you say no. That's not consent, that's coercion, which means that he is raping you. It's probable that he knows you don't want to have sex and that he gets a kick of out that.

A normal non-abusive partner will nicely approach you to see if you're in the mood by talking to you, kissing you etc and then totally back off if you aren't responding/say you're not in the mood. They won't give you the silent treatment or argue with you, they'll just treat you with kindness and respect.

You should never be coerced into going along with sex, not with anyone, ever.

Do you have any children?

You need to get away from this man asap.

It doesn't sound like rape; it sounds like you didn't really want to and he convinced you to. How often is he wanting sex? Sex is a normal part of marriage. There will always be times when one person wants to and the other isn't keen. If I wanted a hug after a long day I'd be upset if my husband refused to comfort me so I could understand him being upset if I didn't want sex if that was his need. If you're repulsed by him to the point you don't want to sleep with him something is off in the relationship. Is his age putting you off?

He's disgusting treating you like a bloody sex slave. I would leave him

Coerced sex is rape. What you're describing is rape.

Being afraid of the consequences of resisting is not consent.

Consensual sex might be a normal part of marriage, but rape is not.

CPS guidelines on consent make clear that coerced sex is rape.

A non-abusive partner respects your right to say no to sex, won't punish you for saying no, and won't expect every act of physical affection to lead to sex.

Maybe have a look at the Freedom Programme (there is a section on sexual abuse). Rape Crisis, Women's Aid...

Fucking hell toomanyleggings that is all kinds of wrong!

Did you read OPs initial post properly toomanyleggings, it appears not and you have completely missed the red flags of abuse present.

This man is abusing the OP and is further exercising his power and control over the OP sexually. He is using sex also to further coercively control the OP and this is a crime too.

LifeReflections

As user writes also I would advise you to contact both Womens Aid and Rape Crisis. Coerced sex is rape.

toomanyleggings, none of that means the OP needs to have sex with him. She shouldn't feel that she has to fix his insecurities, by giving him access to her vagina whenever he decides.

Why are you with this man? He does not have any respect for your feelings.

Rape occurs when the rapist is well aware the victim does not want sex but sex happens anyway. From what's been said I'm not sure he was fully aware. OP says she didn't say no. She did say she wasn't in the mood but there is a pattern of her saying this and then having sex; husband could be under the impression that "I'm not in the mood" is code for "try harder".

For clarity I am not saying that this is acceptable. It's not. He's pressuring OP, whether consciously or not, but he might not be aware how she actually feels.

OP, I don't think there's enough info here for anyone on MN to say whether you're in an abusive relationship or not, but you're clearly not comfortable so does that matter? You get to decide where to draw the line. You don't have to wait for it to be abusive to leave, especially if you have a gut feeling or see red flags already.

Definitely get some advice from women's charities or do the freedom programme.

I agree she doesn't have to do anything but if there is a big disparity in their sex drives something is wrong in the relationship. Nothing I read there makes him sound like an abuser or that rape took place

For the benefit of the OP and anyone else being subjected to this sort of abuse: What @toomanyleggings is saying is nonsense.

It might be the case that the OP's husband wants to have sex with his young and lovely wife. It might be the case that when she rejects him he feels upset and unloved.

However

That DOES NOT MEAN that the OP has to give in and give him sex so that he won't punish her with the silent treatment and arguments.

It also DOES NOT MEAN that the husband has any right to treat his wife badly when she says no to sex.

In a non-abusive situation, if the man wasn't happy about the amount of sex in the relationship he could talk to his wife about it, they could perhaps have counselling to see about working it out and maybe the situation would get better for both of them. But if they found they were incompatible the solution WOULD NOT BE for the OP to have sex she didn't want. Either the husband would have to accept that he wouldn't have as much sex as he'd like or he'd have to leave.

However, in this situation, the husband has already shown that he doesn't really care if the OP wants sex or not, he's going to have it. otherwise he will punish the OP with silence and arguments. Therefore this relationship is unsalvageable and needs to end. Soon.

Can I state clearly that in no situation is it ever acceptable to use any way to get sex from someone who does not want to have sex with you. No matter what method you use, sulking, argument, violence, whatever, if you have sex with someone when they don't want sex, that is rape.

I should add that the fact that this needs to be spelled out makes me utterly despair.

It also really worries me when people say 'maybe he's not aware' that the OP doesn't want sex. It makes me wonder what sort of sex people are having, when they think it's possible for one person to be genuinely not aware that the other person isn't into it/isn't happy. How does that happen? How can one person literally be attached to the other person and not have any inkling of how they're feeling? I can tell how my husband feels from the other side of the room. I certainly can't imagine not knowing if he was into the sex we're having. Surely it's bloody obvious???

Well I don't agree based only on what she's posted. Think there's lots of people being very dramatic here

I'm wary of getting into a big discussion with you @toomanyleggings because I suspect you may have experienced/be experiencing something similar so I don't want to be too harsh. I'll just say that you can and should expect to be in a relationship where you only have sex when you want to have sex, where you are never pushed into it for any reason by anybody.