*Sensitive subject* Is this rape?

[LifeReflections]

My DH (20+ years older than me) always had high sex drive. Gets funny if I say no to sex so I never say no for fear of offending him and just can’t be arsed dealing with the silent treatment & arguments after so easier to just agree. I came home from work and he’s right by the door as I get in and starts hugging me etc. I knew what he was after but was not in the mood at all. Said I was tired didn’t feel well etc and he persists, leads me to bedroom and we have sex. I didn’t want to but I didn’t say no for reasons above. Just after some advice

@TheDailyCarbuncle

You are 100% right in everything you've said. I just wanted to clarify re. my point above: if that is what he's doing and it's deliberate then I agree it's coercive control and could be rape depending on the circumstances. I'm just saying it's possible that it's not deliberate.

I've been in the situation a couple of times where I've tried to initiate sex and my DH has said no, which has then made my anxiety go crazy and tell me he doesn't love me or want me any more. Outwardly I've been saying nice things, it's fine, no problem etc, but then DH has said, are you sure you're ok? You're quiet etc. Then we've chatted and he's explained he's just tired or whatever and we've had a laugh and a cuddle and it's all fine.

Obviously this sounds like it might be different (in frequency if nothing else) but I'm just saying I don't think there's enough insight here for any of us to make the call. Hopefully OP can make the call though, with some advice from good sources.

toomanyleggings is wrong, all sorts of wrong. If there is a difference in your sex drives the answer is not to give in, nor is it to pester and coerce your partner into sex. It’s to talk about it and come to a compromise or deal with the issues around it. Nothing more than a turn off than a man sulking over sex.

I wonder why when it comes to sex posters are so cagey? If the OP had come on and said I never say no to cooking my husband's favourite dinner, I told him I couldn't do it because I was tired but he led me into the kitchen and I did it anyway, posters would at least all be saying that's weird and controlling and more than likely abusive. They wouldn't be saying 'maybe he doesn't realise' or 'maybe it's not what it seems.'

@ChillyAnkles the OP said I never say no for fear of offending him and just can’t be arsed dealing with the silent treatment & arguments after so easier to just agree. She never says no, for fear of offending him. So if he wants sex, he gets it, no matter what the OP wants.

That sounds a hell of a lot different to what happens with you and your DH.

@TheDailyCarbuncle You're right, it does. And I do still agree with what you're saying.

He is a controlling abusive arse and he is probably enjoying the power.

I would call that coercive rape, too. If it was down to you, then you wouldn't have had sex. And he knew that.

He's using you as an appliance. Are you sure you want to stay married to him?

I'd also note @ChillyAnkles that your DH knows you're not happy even when you try to cover it up. Because that's normal - for people to pick up how their partners are feeling even when they try to hide it. Which makes me wonder why posters claim that it's possible or even normal for someone to have sex with someone and not be aware of how their partner is feeling. I mean, it's just nonsense isn't it?

I think questions about how many times she does /doesnt feel like sex is clouding the main issue .namely if she wants sex maybe once /twice a week and he 3 or 4 times a week thats twice too many times for OP!.No one should be forced into having Sex FFS! This whole relationship seems to be built on his terms .Maybe have a look at divorce? See a Solicitor ? Being jumped on when you get back from work is Abuse and not the normal behaviour of a loving/caring partner!