Suffering

[Swife]

How long do you think someone should suffer from past indiscretions(no cheating)? I created an issue with trust in 2009, extremely suffered for the next 2-3 years and now I've realized I'm still being made to suffer. When is enough,enough?😕

When enough is enough is your decision.

You can’t control another’s actions, but you can take control of your reaction.

Not sure I understand. You did something wrong, e.g. you had an emotional affair, and your partner is still bringing it up?

Are you actually suffering though, or have you had to adapt your behaviour forever?

There’s a difference.

What did you do and what has been the consequences for years?

What you did is at one level a red herring, really. If it was mutually agreed to continue the relationship then your partner needs to move past whatever the “indiscretion” was, not continually return to it and punish you or demand you keep apologising or make up for it somehow. If they can’t do that then the relationship needs to end, for both of your sakes.

Although secondly, having no idea of why the “indiscretion” was, it may not be something that in a healthy relationship would be considered anything such and your partner may be a controlling, jealous asshole. In which case the relationship should end regardless. It’s impossible to say.

your partner needs to move past whatever the “indiscretion” was
On the other hand, when women come on saying that they still get upset about their husband's indiscretions years down the line, and their husbands are less than understanding, they are often told that of course they still have those feelings and their husbands shouldn't be telling them to get over it.

If it's something incredibly minor, and the OP is really being made to suffer constantly after 11 years, then of course the first piece of advice comes in.

I wrote to an ex to retrieve music I made while with him. In the message I also apologized for our issues. I did that as a nice gesture to get my things. The discretion was the I erased and hid the message from hubby. Because I felt he would he take issue with it. He found the message somehow and reacted as I thought he would on top being upset I hid the message.

He however has also done some things that are more questionable than that. I acted as though I believed his explanation but I didn't, the differences is I don't bring them up.

Side note hubby is great in every other aspect but he is Bipolar, Manic Depressive and other things. All his life his temper has been an issue for him. LIKE INCREDIBLE HULK. He won't hurt you but he will damn sure destroy your things

Maybe it's time to call it quits.

I think you've suffered long enough OP... For fuck all.

It's up to you if you want to put up with a other 11 years of it or leave and find some happiness and unbroken things.

I dont think i would have stayed at all if i was made to suffer for something like this.
Why cant you be civil to an ex?
You didnt even do anything wrong! Well i guess depending on the actual context of the message. But from what you said it sounds like nothing.

Has he actually been formally diagnosed with bipolar?

Bipolar doesn't cause a person to have a temper in the normal run of things. What I mean is, they might have more of a temper when they're in an episode of bipolar but they will have other symptoms too, and then come out of it. It doesn't cause an explosive temper as a repeated personality trait.

Someone could even have a personality that has an unpredictable temper, and also have by bipolar, but the bipolar doesn't cause that personality trait, if you see what I mean.

He must have been checking all your messages to find that particular one so he's never trusted you

Too many issues, and a ridiculous state of affairs to bring up something I think is relatively minor years later and blow up over it! By all mean a bit of a hurt rant at the time but then it should have been forgotten.

He found the message somehow and reacted as I thought he would on top being upset I hid the message.

You should have bitten his head off for reading your private mail. Not just reading it, but searching out deleted stuff. And for being a jealous cunt about your previous - nothing to do with him - relationships. I absolutely would have walked over this.

You still can.

OP you need to get out. He's obviously been going through your private messages, probably checks your phone as well. He sounds like a loon. He's using the Bi polar as an excuse for rages as he's abusive. Most people with bi polar don't smash other people's stuff and have rages. Abusers do though. Abusers who spy on you and keep you under control with rages.

National Domestic Violence Helpline – 0808 2000 247

Get the hell out OP.

Your prick of a husband has gone on about this for 10 years.

Don't think about it anymore.

Get the hell away from his abusive ass.

💐

Yes, he has been formally diagnosed. The suffering is not physical. It comes in the form of, "What are you doing on your phone?" Who's on the phone?, and so on. We had an argument as I was trying to express how I feel and now a box of jewelry he made me is missing ( the box also contained things my mother gave me like her birthstone ring) I'm more upset these things are missing. He also broke a Birthday chalice he gave me for my birthday this month. So I'm over it but the love is 23 years strong. Other than this issue we're the marriage of envy. I just want to be able to share my anger and frustrations without it ending in emotional warfare. I also have mental health issues so this is taxing to me. I'm trying to arrange couples counseling. We can do with a mediator who doesn't know either of us. Everyone of our friends were his friends first or know his temper so they are always on his side. It sucks my family is far( another state).

Don't have marriage guidance with an abuser OP. Have counselling yourself to see why you want to stay with an abuser. Note how he's so 'out of control' with these rages that he only breaks your stuff. Other people are on his side because he wears a mask. You're seeing the real him and he charms everyone else. He can also control these 'out of control' rages in so much as no one else has experienced them. Ergo?

Other than this issue we're the marriage of envy. >>

I can assure you, you’re not.
I mean this in the nicest possible way. You are in an abusive controlling marriage with a man who regularly projects his anger at people and tried to control them.
That’s why he only has a tightly knit circle around him of people who affirm his behaviour.
He’s toxic, they’re not much better.

You should get out, run and escape to a life of freedom where you’re not walking on eggshells shells being mad to feel bad about something from 11 YEARS AGO!

You’re worth so much more than this! Everyone is 💛

@12345kbm everyone knows his rage. He isn't different for anyone. Even his family walks on eggshells as so not to get him tempered

Either live with it (not recommended), or leave. Your H is abusing you, there is no justification for this, none.

He will never be the man and it will never be the relationship you want it to be because your H’s personality isn’t compatible with your want/ needs.

The choice is yours.

He sounds hard work. I highly doubt people envy your marriage. Maybe pity/admire you for putting up with it. You do know you can be with someone who isn't paranoid about you cheating and who doesn't break your stuff when they get upset, right? I feel like on mn women seem to think all men are arseholes so it's put up with one or be single. It really isn't like that!

11 years ago...? Yeah I'd say it's time to quit now. Christ.

OP, respectfully, kindly, gently....

Wtf....."you have a marriage of envy"!!!!!

No one is envious of your marriage, get that out of your head.

I don't have a marriage of envy, none of my friends do.
We have ordinary marriages that have ups and downs.

Good times mostly, thank goodness, but then some times when we have to take a deep breath and push through......

We are not tormented.
We don't abuse each other.

We don't go on and on and on about shit for 10 years..

Yours is not a marriage to envy......believe me.

Absolutely no one is going to envy you a marriage that your husband has been going on about something innocent for 10 years.

Give your head a shake and get the hell out.