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Original poster

Why are women still waiting for men to propose?

81 replies

NoWeAreNotNearlyThereYet · 29/01/2020 23:20

As my title says, it's 2020 and women are still waiting for men to propose. It just seems bonkers to me. Surely when you talk about your relationship going forward once it's become more serious, you discuss important things like getting married, wanting children, buying houses, careers etc.

I'm always so amazed at the number of women who have children and buy a house with a man and then moan about the fact she wants a proposal and he's not forthcoming. And when posters ask why she can't ask him she will say something like 'I'm old fashioned that way'. But obviously not old fashioned enough to have waited for children until after marriage.

Also my other bug bear is expecting the man to foot the bill for an expensive engagement ring. Just why is it his place to buy this? If you are adults in an equal relationship surely you should both pay for it?

This is 2020 people, discuss the things you want out of your relationship so you both go into it with the same hopes and dreams. If you want children, agree to marriage first for the protection if nothing else. And women pay towards your ring, don't expect him to buy you a ginormous diamond ( or whatever ring you choose) and not contribute towards it.

Sorry that was a bit of a rant, but so many posters on here are quite frustrating on this subject.

Oh and as an aside, I'm not really a marriage supporter. I myself only got married to protect me and my children in case anything happened to him. And this actually made everything so much easier to sort when I was widowed. But now I won't have any other children I doubt I will ever remarry.
So now I sit waiting for people to hand me my arse. But this post is just my opinion. Right or wrong.

OP posts:
mollycoddle77 · 30/01/2020 14:56

I don't know, a lot of the time the women are ready to get married sooner than the men are. Should they be making the men marry them when they feel it's time? And If they have this, and I agree, perfectly normal, modern conversation about whether to get married and he says I probably will, but not ready now - should the woman just leave? I think in many cases it would be worth the woman waiting a bit until he catches up.

mollycoddle77 · 30/01/2020 14:58

Ie waiting for him to say on his own initiative- ok I'm ready. Marry me.

MarySidney · 30/01/2020 15:27

And If they have this, and I agree, perfectly normal, modern conversation about whether to get married and he says I probably will, but not ready now - should the woman just leave?

Well, it would depend on the couple's specific circumstances. Is the man saying 'I want to spend the rest of my life with you, but I'm not sure about marriage'?

Or is he saying 'I don't want to get married because I'm not sure I want to spend the rest of my life with you'?

In the first situation, they should talk more to establish what his reservations are and if they're surmountable.

In the second, yes I think the woman probably should leave, if marriage is important to her, especially before buying a house or having children with him.

But it would, or should, always be a discussion, not the woman passively waiting for the man to propose.

ShatnersWig · 30/01/2020 15:32

I know what you mean OP. There have been countless threads over the years of women lamenting that their DP hasn't yet popped the question despite choosing to live together and choosing to have children together (not an accident) and when asked why she hasn't asked him comes out with "I'm traditional". I guess we can pick and choose which traditions apply.

MarySidney · 30/01/2020 15:36

I mean, every important thing in a relationship should normally be decided jointly - whether to buy a house, whether to have children, whether to move to a different town, where to go on holiday. Why does the man alone get to make the decision about if or when they get married?

Pre-contraception it was up to the man to propose because he couldn't get married until he was in a position to support a wife and children. But that's no longer an issue.

CodenameVillanelle · 30/01/2020 15:40

I completely agree
It especially irks me when women talk about tradition but they don't even really understand or follow the traditions - such as the women who already have kids with the man (not even a bit traditional) and give them the man's surname (also not traditional) but still feel they need to wait for the big proposal. It irks me because it feels like men can agree to father children with minimal financial/legal commitment because they know the woman will shoulder the lion's share of the responsibility yet marriage is a big thing that they must not be spooked out of - and it must be decided solely on the man's schedule as if he is bestowing a great honour on the mother of his children and provider of all wife work and sex woman. It's bullshit, quite frankly, and another way in which women are screwed over, on the whole.

IcedPurple · 30/01/2020 19:07

I agree OP.

I feel the same way about women who complain about 'wasting years of my life waiting for a man who wouldn't commit and now I may be too old to have children'. Well, you're a big girl. Why didn't you sit down and ask him, in a businesslike fashion, what his intentions were? He didn't force you to be with him.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/01/2020 19:16

I agree completely. “When I tell him I want to get married he says we’ll do it one day and he wants to do a big expensive proposal and ask my dad’s permission because he’s really traditional but we’re skint because we’ve got three kids and I don’t know if I trust him because we’ve been together 12 years...”. Does my head in.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 30/01/2020 20:01

I don’t get it either. I suppose they want the grand gesture to show social media etc. If truly traditional then they wouldn’t be living together etc.

I also think many want their “whole big day” and the vows and commitment aren’t really the focus.

IcedPurple · 30/01/2020 20:12

I also think they want to be wanted. He loved me so much he got down on bended knee sort of thing. Which I guess is cute and romantic and all, but if you've been together for ages and have commitments in the form of children and/or property, it might be time to be a bit more pragmatic.

Missarad · 30/01/2020 20:19

Been married 8.5 year I'm 30 husband nearly 35. We got married august 11 in jan 11 when we had a child who was 1. I said when we getting engaged he said well we sort of are as we live together lol. So I booked the wedding the next say for august :) lol

peardrops1 · 30/01/2020 20:21

I agree with you, OP. My fiance and I discussed marriage, decided together and bought a ring together. I won't be taking his name. The kids will have both our names, or just mine if that proves easier...

rvby · 30/01/2020 20:26

Because women are still brought up to believe that the love of a man is the greatest validation of their worth. And a proposal story - with a ring to show for it - is how you "prove" to society that you have been validated in that way.

Pretty sure anyone who thinks about it for 5 mins would come to that conclusion, tbh. That's just the way human culture is and it won't change quickly.

Beyond that there are always outliers. My exh proposed to me and I got my ring, anyway we got divorced. My now dp would have to make a bit of a case if I were to try again, and that would probably mean he'd propose - but then - I outearn him, and we live in a jurisdiction that acknowledges common law marriage.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/01/2020 20:29

I also think they want to be wanted. He loved me so much he got down on bended knee sort of thing.

You’re right. But the flip side is wanting to be treated like an equal in a, hopefully, serious and life long partnership. I’d be livid if my husband had bought us a house without us deciding on it together. Apoplectic if he got me pregnant without my agreement. It would be equally bizarre to get engaged without talking about it, calmly, properly, seriously, and making a joint decision to do it.

WellHolyGodMiley · 30/01/2020 20:29

Well, I believe women can certainly ask.
But I don't think it's realistic to expect that two people are always exactly on the same page on the same day with the same goal by the same date.

It is likely that one is going to have to check in with the other and see if they hear what they want to hear. But I think what's key is being brave enough to ask, and having the self-esteem to believe that you can end a relationship if it's not giving you what you want.

So basically, be brave enough to put it right out there, what you want, and then respond according to the answer you get. Be brave.

Oh yeh, in answer to your question I think it's because there's a hierarchy in the patriarchy still. Married is at the top, then engaged. Then having a boyfriend at all. Some women FEAR being single.

gypsywater · 30/01/2020 20:30

How many women would want to get married if they were the higher earner? Genuine question.

WellHolyGodMiley · 30/01/2020 20:34

Or even free childcare like in Scandinavia?

But, a lot of women would still just want to.

IcedPurple · 30/01/2020 20:35

How many women would want to get married if they were the higher earner?

We're in danger of going off topic, but at the time of marriage, women often are the higher earner. It's the arrival of children which changes things, and not in the woman's favour.

WellHolyGodMiley · 30/01/2020 20:37

@rvby yes, that is how my mother raised me! so I ended up in a situation that looked perfect on the outside but was abusive behind closed doors. My poor mother. I escaped that situation and have never come close to marrying/making myself respectable. I validate myself now and I'm sure my parents pity me deeply which is sad for them really. I'm fine.

PatellarTendonitis · 30/01/2020 20:39

I agree, OP! If you're 'traditional' or 'old-fashioned' you sure as hell don't buy a house and have kids with your boyfriend. Having kids before marriage was a dealbreaker for me so I went belt and braces with contraception so none of these accidents that are so common MN.

Then there are the deluded people who get engaged with no wedding in sight and think it means something.

Or who say 'can't afford to get married' because they want this Princess Di type wedding with the kids in tow - horse, stable, bolted.

Harakeke · 30/01/2020 20:45

"I mean, every important thing in a relationship should normally be decided jointly - whether to buy a house, whether to have children, whether to move to a different town, where to go on holiday. Why does the man alone get to make the decision about if or when they get married?"

Totally agree. We decided together to get married, there was no romantic proposal. I don't feel like I've missed out - on the contrary, it felt "right" because it's the way we've always conducted our relationship.

NightsOfCabiria · 30/01/2020 20:52

I agree.

I think it’s tradition AND - they want the romantic stories to tell. If you’ve had to buy/pay for your own ring and propose yourself, its just not romantic (& could be seen as desperate).

So they wait. They cant wait for children though as that’s such a strong biological urge.

PhoneLock · 30/01/2020 21:04

I mean, every important thing in a relationship should normally be decided jointly

Traditional proposal.

He asked. I agreed. It was a joint decision.

category12 · 30/01/2020 21:12

I find it vexing when the woman says "but I'm traditional" or "he wants to do it the traditional way" when they've already had dc together and have been living together for donkeys years. There was someone fairly recently who was waiting for him to ask her father- and they'd been together for bloody years with dc. It's just ridiculous.

Grobagsforever · 30/01/2020 21:32

I agree @OP

I got married when DH was terminally ill as it made the financial and legal things more straightforward, like yourself. (Was pregnant so birth certificate needed sorting).

DH has been gone 5 years and boyfriend knows I will never marry again much less wait on him for a proposal. Women who do so are ridiculous in my view. Like feminism never happened.