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Original poster

How to disclose herpes....

36 replies

MagicFormula · 29/01/2020 21:31

NC for this.

I've had herpes for about 15 years. Never caused me any issues. Rarely have flare ups, I've maybe had a handful over the course of 15 years. It's no longer a 'big deal' to me because it has no impact on my daily life, but I get it has a stigma.

I've been on 3 or 4 dates with a guy I like a lot. Last time we met up we did some heavy kissing and a bit of sexy touching etc. Nothing whatsoever that would have put him at risk at all.

Next time we see one another, sex may well be on the cards. So, I need to tell him that I've got herpes. But how do I do this?

I keep thinking over the convo in my head but I honestly just can't find the words. Can anyone help? What would you say or, if you be been in my situation, what have you said?

When should I tell him? During our next date? Should I text him before rather than tell him face to face?

I'm scared of him rejecting me which is making me nervous. I realise he may well decide to pack it all in and although I'd be gutted, it's his prerogative. However to complicate things further he is a colleague (although mostly at a different office) so whatever happens I'll need to see him again!

OP posts:
Bonsaigem · 29/01/2020 22:12

I dated I guy who told me over dinner on our second date!! Grin

I thought he was brave and endearing. He just came out with it.

TBH, you have got to tell him if you are going to do the do, colleague or not, just own it. Whatever way you say it, his reaction will be "I'm cool" or "I'm out of here" depending on his view on this type of thing, but i would bet he will be cool. TBH I ended up liking the guy more just from the way he was so bold and blurted it out during the starters. It made me laugh and I cuddled him over the dinner table!

If you trust him enough to nobble him then you have to trust him not to be an arse and spread it round the office if you split (that would be the lowest form).

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 29/01/2020 23:03

I dated a guy who disclosed on his dating profile, and then brought it up on our first date, to be 100% sure I had understood. He also advised me to do my own research to make sure I was happy with the (very minimal) risks.

Herpes is pretty common (and many people don't realise they have it - they have one minor outbreak and then are asymptomatic) so you never know - he may have it too and be wondering the exact same thing.

Sugartitss · 30/01/2020 02:07

For what it’s worth it wouldn’t bother me if someone told me they had herpes.

BitOfFun · 30/01/2020 03:29

If you aren't having an outbreak, I wouldn't worry about saying anything. Who hasn't had a coldsore? It's incredibly common.

Ribenaberriesgowoo82 · 30/01/2020 04:08

I think the OP may be referring to genital herpes @BitOfFun.

BitOfFun · 30/01/2020 04:28

To all intents and purposes, they are the same thing though.

Ribenaberriesgowoo82 · 30/01/2020 05:16

Well yes but for some reason, there is more of a stigma for anything around the genitals!

Original poster
MagicFormula · 30/01/2020 06:19

Yes I do mean genital herpes. I definitely want to tell him, as feel it's the right thing to do. I'm worried that he's going to think I've tricked him or something though and that maybe I should have told him earlier.

Would telling by text be stupid? Am I better waiting til we are face to face again?

OP posts:
AlittleTimeToWorkItOut · 30/01/2020 06:24

I think it's one of those times where telling someone but also giving you them some facts as well would be useful. I don't know much about herpes therefore it would put me off. However from the sounds of it, it's something that is easily managed so the more educated someone is the better.
I think in person would be better, then you can easily answer any questions he might have. He might know a lot about it! I would do it at the beginning of your date.

"Before this goes any further I do need to make you aware of something...."

PermanentTemporary · 30/01/2020 06:27

I think it's fine that you haven't said anything so far. You haven't done anything where it's relevant, and it's certainly private information, though not shameful.

Try not to be apologetic. I like Alittletime's phrasing above.

Original poster
MagicFormula · 30/01/2020 14:58

Thanks all. Any other advice/experience from anyone? Really interested as it's hard finding examples of how people have phrased it!

OP posts:
BillieEilish · 30/01/2020 15:09

Do not be surprised if this calms his ardour somewhat.

My friend had to do the same and the guy went off for a few weeks and then came back, they are married now Grin

I'm afraid I do not agree having Herpes as a sexually transmitted disease is the same as having Herpes as a cold sore.

I visited my friend in hospital. She was seriously unwell. Not like a coldsore.
Later, her births had to be closely observed.

Good Luck OP Flowers

CoffeeCoinneseur · 30/01/2020 15:15

I’d want to be told face to face, early on in the date (i.e. not at the point we were undressing to have sex) and tbh sex would be off the cards for me until I’d gone away and done my own research.

BillieEilish · 30/01/2020 15:19

I doubt anyone who has had chicken pox or glandular fever says 'I have Herpes', for example. Grin

It just doesn't have the same connotations, or is directly to do with sex, that is what OP is dealing with.
If he is a nice guy, he'll maybe just take a bit to think about it and be back. You are totally doing the right thing telling him OP

ItIsAllChange · 30/01/2020 15:19

I don’t see anything wrong in sending it as a text. He then has time to research and see how he feels about it.

BillieEilish · 30/01/2020 15:21

A text is a bit of a shocker IMO. Face to face.

Original poster
MagicFormula · 30/01/2020 17:39

What about over the phone before the date?!

OP posts:
Original poster
MagicFormula · 30/01/2020 17:39

I'm feeling very nervous about it as you may be able to tell Hmm

OP posts:
Sparklyring · 30/01/2020 18:34

My DH told me after 3 or 4 dates, before we had sex while we were cooking tea. We avoid sex when he has a flare up, been together years and I've not caught it, or at least not had symptoms.

PermanentTemporary · 30/01/2020 18:53

I think if you care about him, tell him face to face.

Original poster
MagicFormula · 30/01/2020 20:56

@Sparklyring how did he actually say it??

OP posts:
ThatThereWoman · 30/01/2020 21:02

I know someone who shagged someone when he had an outbreak when they were 8.5 months pregnant. he didn't tell them.

I don't know the answer OP, but I'd suggest just do it. What's the worse that can happen? He can walk away? But at least you'd kknow.

flamingnoravera · 30/01/2020 21:26

I start with,do you get cold sores? If the answer is yes, I feel easier to be able to say, so do I, where do you get yours? It breaks the taboo and only once have I been rejected because of it. If they say no, I say, I do, but not my mouth and then move the convo to the reality (I take valocyclovir) no outbreaks for years, outbreak location (if appropriate).

Most of us have no idea if we have type 1 or 2 and those of who have it know how to manage it. I have only been rejected once and in hindsight I dodged a bullet anyway.

TinDogTavern · 30/01/2020 21:29

Hi OP,

It's great that you want to be open about this, if more people were there'd be a lot less heartache about disclosure. Thanks

I have herpes and I would couch it in a safe sex conversation. I wouldn't bring it up when things are romantic or sexual but maybe "the way things are going between us, is it time to have to talk about safe sex/contraception?" Then "just to be completely open with you, I have herpes. I don't know how that makes you feel but it's only fair you know. If you want to know anything about it, just ask, or would like some time to process it, just say."

I've had mixed reactions. Men who turned out to be lovely were fine with it.

(Diagnosed 25+ years; no flare ups in at well over ten years).

Questioningeverything · 30/01/2020 23:03

I have only had to tell one person. My then friend and I were getting close and I realised it was headed towards becoming something more so one day over tea I just blurted it out like
‘I need to talk to you about something before you decide if you actually want us to be more than friends- and I won’t be offended if what I say changes how you feel about me. A couple of years ago I was diagnosed with herpes. I occasionally have flare ups and when I do, I use medication to treat them.’

His reaction was ‘and? That doesn’t change how I feel about you’ I told him he needed to go away and have a proper think, reiterating that I would understand if he felt differently.
That evening he called and says ‘so I’ve been looking into it, it sounds really painful and I’m so sorry you have to deal with that. It hasn’t changed how I feel, if anything, I feel even closer to you and know you’ll always be honest with me’ he also asked a few questions- how I got diagnosed, the circumstances around getting it. Nothing phased him.

I let out such a breath of relief, as much as anything that he’d done his research and asked what I consider fair questions. Four years later, we play it safe. I do have flares, we are extra cautious and he’s never caught it from me. And we’ve always had complete honesty because he knows how hard it is to open up about it, to this day if I have a flare up I panic thinking he’ll leave because internally I think I’m not good enough, I’m dirty or something for having it. He’s never been anything but wonderful though.

I hope you have a happy outcome too. You didn’t choose to have it, it’s something you just can’t mess around with and it’s so easy to catch it if the other person isn’t displaying obvious symptoms.

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