At what age is divorce easier on the kids

[user12678356]

There's never a good time, but when your marriage isn't great but not awful, you really don't want to destroy the kids.

I know for a fact they would be devastated and deeply affected if we divorce. There would be significant changes to certain aspects and possible relocation as a result.

Is there an age range when the impact of a divorce will be lesser on the kids?

When they are small or left home....
Anything in between will have an effect but it all depends on how people manage their relationship post divorce.
However - they are also affected by living in an unhappy family. Just because parents live together - doesn’t mean kids are automatically happy. The kind of relationship you have, how you are together - also affects them.

I know for a fact they would be devastated and deeply affected if we divorce

I think that's usually the case whatever their age. I guess when they're teeny tiny it wouldn't bother them as much provided their time with their primary care giver wasn't limited, but I know full grown adults have found it incredibly hard.

It depends on how things were during your marriage too. If you were a very close couple sat cuddling on the sofa, and you suddenly divorce it might be more of a shock than a slower-burn situation.
Please don't assume all children of divorce are messed up...they are not.

DH's parents waited until he and his DBro had left home before divorcing and it has still had a huge impact on both of them. From seeing the pain he's been through, I would suggest the question might be how to best minimise the hurt rather than what age will the hurt be least. DH's mum was awful to his dad for the last years of the relationship and that was just as damaging as the split.

Maybe better to split whilst you have a chance of being friendly coparents, or to do whatever you can to try to make the relationship good again. Acrimonious splits and bad feelings between parents would be worst case.

The best thing you can do to reduce impact on the kids is keep it civil. I don't know your circumstances so apologies if there's been a load of awfulness. Do your best to communicate calmly, don't badmouth the other, don't argue in front of the kids. Best wishes.

My parents split when I was around 2/3

I have no memories of them together, no memories of arguments or falling out etc. Thankfully throughout my life they have still always got on, they can be in the same room together and will occasionally still talk now.

It's actually weird to think of them in a relationship together as they are Sooooo different.
I can't say for definite that their break up had no affect on me but the blimming step family relationships that came later, certainly have!!

If it’s older they might have had a life with family under one roof but they’ll have picked up and sensed things and modelled behaviours.

So the best time is when you know it’s over. No later.

I think the younger the better probably. My parents divorced when I was 8-10 ish. It was absolutely fine. I didn’t find it difficult at all. It was just a relief really when it happened as home life was peaceful finally. It certainly would have been better if they’d done it when I was still young enough to not realise how miserable they were and to be afraid of all the fights.

Also just to add, I don’t think I was negatively affected by their divorce at all. I was negatively affected by having a dad who was abusive and manipulative and then barely interested in being a parent. But I definitely came away with a sense of what a healthy relationship should be and how to not put up with any shit.

I’ve had generally healthy relationships and have a so far long and happy marriage.

I think once it is over, growing up with unhappily married parents has had a very damaging effect on me and all of my siblings

The 'best' time is when you realise you can't stay living with your partner any longer.
Kids will be hurt & upset whatever age, but the relationship their parents have has more of an effect - whether you are together or not.
It is your (both parents) behaviour Pre and post separation which has the biggest impact imho.
Separated and happy parents are always going to be better for the children than living together and unhappy.

Less to do with age; more to do with how you handle the separation and the relationship afterwards.

Their age doesn't matter. Making sure they still have stability matters.

It's better to split when they're 8 than wait another 8 years showing them how blatantly miserable their parents are and feeling guilt that they stayed together so long.

Like others, when you know it's over and you can manage a civil divorce. Then develop a positive co-parenting relationship that is stronger and prioritised over new partners. Prioritising co-parenting is important as too many people allow their new man/woman to come on the scene, decide they're not happy with a positive co-parenting relationship, get jealous and start dictating the terms of the coparent relationship.

I would say under three, however the biggest impact on the children will be how they see you and your DH treat each other, how you communicate and that although not going to be married any longer that you still respect and care for each other.

My parents spilt when I was 23 and out of home, and it was still shite. There isn't a good time to do it, it's about how you manage the process.

We have young adult kids, not saying it's easy but at least they do understand. It also made dating easier as it doesn't need to be secretive. Most important thing is to remain civil, ideally amicable - stbexh comes for dinner weekly and we do family stuff together still

I ended my marriage when mine were preschoolers. The oldest (3 at the time) vaguely remembers us being together. My youngest doesn’t at all. While I’m not naive enough to think it had no affect on them, I also don’t think it did them any great damage. One of the many reasons I’m glad I need things sooner rather than later.

As young as possible is best.

My friend who recently divorced said the best time is to do it whilst you can still be civil to each other

If you wait too long and resentment is huge, things like handover of kids becomes more of a battle

asap. A friend of mine's parents stayed together for the kids living in quiet unhappiness. No rowing or anything, just unhappy. It really messsd the kids up, especially once the divorce happened as it confirmed that they had all been living a lie and all the siblings agreed that it ruined a lot of their childhood memories as they were tainted by knowledge that the parents were putting on a show.

Far better to move on and find a way to coparent effectively and without animosity.

I'm in my 40s and would still be really upset if my parents split up now! Because they seem like a really happy couple... so I would feel like we'd all been living a lie for years.

As young as possible. I left my ex when dd was a year old and she doesn’t even remember us ever being together. She’s 17 now and still sees her dad regularly.

My mum and dad split up when I was 12 and I was devestated. It affected me really badly. But saying that I don’t think they should have stayed together - it’s always better for children to have parents who are happier apart if that’s the case.

I'm 28 and my parents have been going through a divorce almost 3 years now. It's horrible. I wish my mother did it 15 years ago but she waited until my sister and I were grown and left home. I wish she hadn't. Its still awful.

Agree with the as young as possible opinion.

I know that some people believe in waiting until the kids leave home but the kids always find it uncomfortable and damaging living in that atmosphere.

It's definitely best to divorce once you know it's over so that the parenting relationship doesn't become bitter