At what age is divorce easier on the kids

[user12678356]

There's never a good time, but when your marriage isn't great but not awful, you really don't want to destroy the kids.

I know for a fact they would be devastated and deeply affected if we divorce. There would be significant changes to certain aspects and possible relocation as a result.

Is there an age range when the impact of a divorce will be lesser on the kids?

Mine were 5 and 10. My 5 year old thought daddy had left to go and live with her nanny because he was going to die (her granddad had died very suddenly aged only 56 the year before). That was heartbreaking. However once she understood that no, that wasn't going to happen, she coped really well, so did my then 10 year old. The key for us was that they never heard or saw any arguing. Our break up was just about as amicable as you can get! I did wonder over the years whether them not seeing any arguing made it harder to understand, but, they are now 12 and 17 (2 weeks off 18!) and have been amazing throughout, they have regular contact with their dad, they see us as friends with each other, and it's been a hell of a lot easier than I ever thought it would be. We are now both with other people and they've handled that ok too. Each one is different though and so I really don't think there's a perfect age to do it, it's how it's done rather than when x

The younger the better probably. My DS was 10 months old so he's never known any different.

As a child of divorce myself I think people make a bigger deal about it than it actually is. I wasn't traumatised or devastated about it.

I don’t know the answer but I can tell you I’ve had plenty of university students in tears over their parents’ divorces in my office over the years. Generally they have felt they were being asked to take sides which they hated. It’s not uncommon for parents to tell their students they are divorcing virtually as they drop them off in freshers week. I don’t know when the best time is but I do know it isn’t then.

My SC's were 7 and 9 when their parents split. SC 7 doesn't really remember her parents being together and SC 9 was very aware of the tension at home and actually much happier after they split.
The key perhaps to reducing the impact of divorce is actually what happens next. How you co parent, deal with money and custody etc and the other people you bring into your children's lives.

Mine were mid teens. I’d say not later than 2 years before they leave home for uni etc. Not near crucial exams. It’s important for them to have 2-3 years to adjust when you are around to deal with the ups and downs. My ex wanted to wait until they left home but like the above poster this is awful for students who have enough to adjust to and would be hard to know how they were feeling and coping. Better to work through the fallout together.

Adding to the above, my own parents divorced just after I finished my degree. It had minimal impact on me but I rather wish my Mum had done it sooner for her own sake.

Any change or difficult experience results in difficult emotions. That's natural. It doesn't mean anyone is being destroyed. Do you not think you might be projecting your own fears and emotions onto them somewhat? We can't even accurately predict our own response to difficult events.

Even children who've been living with severe domestic abuse can become highly distressed at the point the violent parent leaves/is left. That doesn't mean it was wrong to do!

It's your job to model healthy relationships (setting the bar higher than "I'm not being abused"), to support your children through change and challenges, and to generally parent in their best interests.

Experiencing short term distress and grieving for the loss of something doesn't mean anybody is going to be damaged (we can become distressed at the end of a wonderful once-in-a-lifetime holiday or when friends move away, but it doesn't destroy us).

I don't think setting your children up to feel their entire childhood was a lie or thinking miserable/distant relationships are the best they'll have is desirable or commendable.

It's how you handle it.