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Original poster

Friend leaving her husband, I don't know if I can support her

46 replies

Acunningruse · 29/01/2020 16:15

My best friend of 15 years and godmother to my children has decided to leave her husband- to go and live with another man who she claims to be just friends with. We have known and been friends with her DH for over 10 years and he is in bits and wants to work at the marriage and try and fix things but she refuses to discuss it with him.

I met her for dinner last night. The reason she has given to me is that they are more like friends than husband and wife. I suggested that it could be fixable but she is unwilling to try. She is angry that I am not supporting her decision to leave as she feels I was more supportive to another mutual friend who recently left her husband. This is true I probably was as the circumstances I felt were different.

I don't know why I'm posting really, I just feel so chewed up today. Sad at the end of their marriage and the good times we had as a foursome. Upset that we fought yesterday. Angry that she is walking away from
A 10 year marriage to (it seems to me) move straight in with another man without taking the time to figure out what she wants.

How do you cope when mutual friends split up? How do you support a friend if you don't agree with their course of action?

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 29/01/2020 16:19

Well, she has made her decision and been honest with her husband. She shouldn't have to stay in her marriage just so you can continue to have pleasant times out.

You can support both of them, one of them or neither of them. But be honest with yourself about why. If you really think she has cheated and you can't condone it then be honest with yourself and cut ties with her.

Hedgehogblues · 29/01/2020 16:19

You suck as a friend basicaly

CuriousaboutSamphire · 29/01/2020 16:21

Sorry, posted too soon

If you think she is making a mistake the, now she knows how you feel, leave your door open to her, she may need a friend to help sort herself out at some future time.

But you can only go with how you feel and how much emotion you can afford to spend. It isn't easy, however you decide to act!

Interestedwoman · 29/01/2020 16:23

You don't know people's ins and outs- maybe more will come out about what she experienced in the future. And if she doesn't want to be with him for some reasons, then leaving is justified. No-one should live a life of misery out of a sense of duty.

tinyvulture · 29/01/2020 16:27

I would reserve judgement. People don’t always tell the whole story straight away. I know you think you know her husband really well, but nobody knows what anyone else’s relationship is really like.
I left my ex and chose to tell hardly anyone, certainly not mutual friends, the details of why, because it felt disloyal. The real truth was he had been cheating for years, and was in my opinion borderline emotionally abusive towards the end (tho that is in the past and we are friends again now). I lost many friends because I couldn’t tell them the whole story, so they sided with him. That really hurt......

Toomuch2019 · 29/01/2020 16:33

I was your friend years ago.

It took me meeting someone else to realise my marriage was never going to work. I left immediately (could not countenance an affair). Everyone was shocked that I wouldn’t stay and work on things as my ex wasn’t a bad person but I just knew it would be a more drawn out way of getting to the same conclusion and didn’t see the point in prolonging the pain.

Either you will support her or you won’t. I was very lucky that most of my friends did but some obviously struggled with it.

But remember that no one enters a marriage expecting or wanting that to end. She will feel shitty enough about leaving without you being judgemental about it. And one day you may need support for something you may not have anticipated too.

Iflyaway · 29/01/2020 16:34

If she is your friend you should support her, not want to continue the fun times out as a foursome. Regretting that is normal. But that sounds controlling as in "I know what's best for you!"

Nobody knows what goes on in a marriage/relationship except for the 2 people in it.

Life is change. and thank god for that!

XJerseyGirlX · 29/01/2020 16:37

I left my ex DP, friends and family were shocked and wanted me to try again. I just saw it as prolonging his misery which is worse.You need to be more supportive.

Wolfiefan · 29/01/2020 16:38

You aren’t in her marriage. It’s not up to you to agree with her course of action. You have no idea how she feels. She believes she’s better off out of this marriage than in it.
Either be her friend or admit you aren’t really and leave her to seek support elsewhere.

NotHereToMakeFriends · 29/01/2020 16:40

Okay I wasn't mutual friends when my friend broke up with her husband after he just walked out. He tried to fix it but she said no and I don't blame her.

How do you know your friend won't be happier without her soon to be ex? It did wonders for my friend as she was back to being the person I knew before her ex-husband.

You should support your friend no matter your opinion on the decision as it wasn't your decision to make. When it comes to being friends with both, it's easy really. Make sure you don't meet up with them at the same time and be a supportive ear to both of your friends but don't repeat what has been said to the other as this is not your place. Treat all things as confidential. It will feel better eventually but it is a turbulent time for both so just support if needed. Get to know the new man and treat him as a friend you never know you might actually see that they are just friends. It's 2020 for goodness sake, men and women can actually be friends without it meaning anything.

All in all, keep your feelings to yourself, they are both going through enough so don't let your emotions cloud your judgement.

Good luck

IceniSky · 29/01/2020 16:42

You can still support someone you love even if you disagree with their actions. It isn't black and white.

Greysparkles · 29/01/2020 16:42

I'm not surprised she's angry with you. You are supposed to be her friend.
You don't get to judge her decision, it's hers and hers alone

RuffleCrow · 29/01/2020 16:46

I think you're bring unnecessarily judgemental. What does "support her decision" really mean? Is it about being there for her? Listening to her? She doesn't need your permission or even blessing. I'm not sure being a friend is about agreeing with someome 100%. She was on the inside of her marriage and she felt it ending. Better for her to leave than carry on a sham and / or an affair, surely?

There may be many things you don't know about her ex that are reasons for her decision. If she's generally a decent human being in all other respects, why would you ditch her now? Can't you just agree to disagree? Why should someone else have to stay in a relationship that's over, just because a third party disapproves of them leaving, be that you or the catholic church?

forkfun · 29/01/2020 16:49

I agree with PP, you won't know the full story. No one quite knows what goes on inside a marriage. However, I get what you are saying about her moving in with a new guy straight away. More often than not that's a terrible idea. You are not wrong for discussing that with her.
Give it time, see how things unfold and see where the friendship with her and her ex goes. I don't think you are a bad friend for not unconditionally supporting something you think is a bad decision. You may well be right. But you should consider that you might be wrong.

TheDeep · 29/01/2020 16:50

So she's leaving her husband because they're more like friends to go and live with someone who she says that she's just friends with?

I'd leave her to it, it'll more than likely blow up in her face eventually.

BrandoraPaithwaite · 29/01/2020 16:57

You support the friend, not the decision.

Juliette20 · 29/01/2020 16:58

I would just try and stay neutral now and support them both. It is really difficult though when you are friends with both people in a couple.

Poorolddaddypig · 29/01/2020 17:13

I agree with @Hedgehogblues. She’s supposed to be your friend! She doesn’t need to justify her decision to you! Are you for real? You think she should remain in an unhappy marriage because in your opinion she doesn’t have a good enough reason to leave?! The fact that she wants to leave is a good enough reason to leave! You’re not a good friend to her if you’re going to behave like this and make it all about you and your personal opinion on her situation.

tomatoesandstew · 29/01/2020 17:16

close friends particularly couple friends splitting up is really unnerving. It also can cause underlying issues to flare up.
Are you blind sided because this is so out of character or does it reflect what you see as some of her more negative traits. Sometimes we cant support our friends' decisions and nor do we feel able to support them as friends. it marks the time to distance or end the friendship.

In the long run it will be less emotionally raw than it is now. You can be there for both parties and are entitled to feel angry at her as the dumper .

BumbleBeee69 · 29/01/2020 17:18

OP it's not your business why your friend leaves her marriage. You really haven't been a friend to her when she really needed you, you judged her, you challenged her, and you undermined her decisions... WTF Confused

I hope your Friend finds happiness wherever she is.. and finds real friends whilst she's as it.... Flowers

Shadyshadow · 29/01/2020 17:20

I can see tou being upset and not support her affair. If it's an affair.

But really, telling her she needs to try harder.

You are shitty friend

Just because he wants to fix it now she is going, doesnt make her obliged to stay. You dont have to live in her marriage.

If you cant support her, be upfront and tell her. Then hopefully she can realise she didnt lose a friend. Just lost someone who wanted a couple to do things with.

notthisshitagain · 29/01/2020 17:26

I take it there are no kids involved?

otterhound · 29/01/2020 17:28

Perfectly fine to suggest she gives it a try before leaving and an over reaction for her to say thats not supportive (taking your post literally)

I suspect she has been cheating. Breakups among friends are tricky at the best of times and some people are far better at leaving a relationship than others. Far better to do it when you can still be amicable than doing 5 years later when you both hate each other

lowlandLucky · 29/01/2020 17:30

OP I dont think you are a bad friend at all. I think sometimes we all need someone to err on the side of caution and not just nod along with what we want. Send your friend a box of wine or flowers and tell her that you are sorry and would love to meet up. You dont have to choose sides and can continue to see both of them.

Shadyshadow · 29/01/2020 17:32

OP literally says she doesnt know if she can support her.

That's not supportive.

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