Friend leaving her husband, I don't know if I can support her

[Acunningruse]

My best friend of 15 years and godmother to my children has decided to leave her husband- to go and live with another man who she claims to be just friends with. We have known and been friends with her DH for over 10 years and he is in bits and wants to work at the marriage and try and fix things but she refuses to discuss it with him.

I met her for dinner last night. The reason she has given to me is that they are more like friends than husband and wife. I suggested that it could be fixable but she is unwilling to try. She is angry that I am not supporting her decision to leave as she feels I was more supportive to another mutual friend who recently left her husband. This is true I probably was as the circumstances I felt were different.

I don't know why I'm posting really, I just feel so chewed up today. Sad at the end of their marriage and the good times we had as a foursome. Upset that we fought yesterday. Angry that she is walking away from
A 10 year marriage to (it seems to me) move straight in with another man without taking the time to figure out what she wants.

How do you cope when mutual friends split up? How do you support a friend if you don't agree with their course of action?

It's not an affair.. She has been honest... She has left her husband.. she has left the family home... it might not work, but that's on her OP..

It’s nothing to do with you and missing your foursome nights out is a fine thing to feel but not to factor in to an equation where you decide how worthy her choice is.

She must feel let down - I would be too. LeAve your sadness to one side and think again... surely you can still be a good friend?

You can support either or both or neither. You don't have to feel bad for who you choose to give your support to

The only people that know what goes on inside a marriage are the people who are married.
Its their life, you don't live her life so you have no right to judge her.

so you have no right to judge her.

She has every right to judge her. We all make judgements every single day. It's how we all live together in a functioning society. people will have different viewpoints in forming their judgement but they will all make a judgement based on their past experiences and knowledge.

My ex did something pretty nasty and couple of his friends did say to me 'that was a shitty thing he did.' Although they were his friends they were still able to make their own judgements and I appreciated that. He told me later that they'd also told him what they thought about his actions.

She has every right to judge her.

Why do people think this?

Why do people think this?

because they are entitled and deluded into believing they are owed explanations on issues that are none of their business...

A PP said it excellently. Support the friend not the decision.

Good friendships always require honesty and communication. Keep those in the mix but add in a massive dose of diplomacy and tact.

It has nothing to do with you OP. You don’t know the ins and outs of their marriage. If she says it’s over and not fixable, believe her. You have no right to judge. If you can’t be her friend then tell her.

everybody makes judgements unless they're brain dead. They may not discuss their conclusion, but they have made a judgement according to their standards.

No, not everyone makes judgements.

And you dont have to voice them. You may make them, it doesnt mean it's ok or right.

On the surface it looked like my friend was behaving in a much worse way. In her case her parents behaved as you did. They felt she should try harder “for the children”, and because they loved family Christmas’s and holidays. He had been hurting her for years.
NOBODY knows why she’s left but you aren’t being a friend.

has decided to leave her husband- to go and live with another man who she claims to be just friends with.

^Oh yes that old chestnut. Just friends? Does she think you are all stupid? She was obviously been having an affair.

After all that is exactly what MN says when a man comes out with the above

I think you can say to a friend are you sure about what you’re doing while also being supportive. Your post reads that you’re making this about you when it isn’t.
She doesn’t need to justify her choices to you and I’d feel very sad if you were my friend making judgments about me

So you're shocked and sad about what has happened and worried that she's making a mistake. Why would such feelings stop you from showing her friendship, kindness and interest in her life?

I think if it turns out she and this other man are more than 'just friends' I'd feel more upset that she'd deceived me on that than the actual breaking down of her relationship.

You can try to be a friend, that doesn't mean you have to be unconditionally supportive. And support works in different ways - sometimes it is supporting to query friends on how they are acting and it can be very unfriendly to just blindly nod and agree with what may actually be harmful choices for them. Only you can have a guess at that, and it will only be a guess. But if she's clear on what she wants and you want to stay friends then you can't harangue her about things, you just need to be there for her.

Wow, so her reason for leaving her marriage is not good enough for you.

You don't deserve her.

Any friend going through a separation I'd be supportive of. It's hard when you are friends with the partner too but for me my friend would come first. But if they were leaving to jump straight in with someone else that would lead me to believe there was an affair involved and I couldn't support that, friend or not.

The "we're just friends" sounds a bit far fetched to me and I'd be wary. As above, if they ended up being more than friends after saying it was only a friend I'd probably cut her off... I'm always wary of cheats, they're master liars and if it turned out it was an affair partner then it will confirm I was lied to as well. I don't want a friend who lies and deceives people.

I'm a little bit surprised at all the criticism you've taken.

From what you've said, it sounds like she's been having an affair. Adulterers generally get short shrift here, and people who leave a partner to move in with someone else have almost universally been having at least an amotional affair.

I understand why you feel uncomfortable. If she was leaving her husband just to be on her own, would you be more sympathetic?

I think it depends on what sort of level of support she is expecting from you as to how you deal with this.

You've told her your concerns now, which I think given the circumstances are legitimate. There is no point in going over and over them in future and I think from this point forward it would be good to be supportive, in the sense of hoping for the best for her. You can't prevent her from making mistakes and friends ought to be there for each other in difficult circumstances.

However if she is expecting you to be super enthusiastic and looking to you to reassure her that she is doing the right thing, I don't think that it's fair of her to expect that of you. You'd basically be lying and would have to be a very good actress because you don't believe it is the right thing. It might be that her expectations are unreasonable and you just won't be able to fulfil them.

The trouble with your attitude is that you can´t predict the future and you can´t say whether or not this decision is the right one or not. Say three years from now and your friend and her ex-husband are both in relationships that make them so much happier than they are together, would this split not be a good thing? Or maybe three years from now, they will be lonely and miserable and your friend will bitterly regret it. No-one knows how it will turn out and if it is a good decision or not. That is why you can´t make a judgement like yours that you don't agree with her course of action. For all you know, it might be the best decision she has ever made. So sure, make your judgments in your head (I think we all do that to an extent), but at the same time, still be the supportive friend you always have been.