Fall out with in laws...absolute mess! What to do?

[futuremrsconnor85]

So, I'll try and keep this brief! But a bit of background, I've had post natal mental health issues and struggled with motherhood. DD is now 2. She is going through a phase where she prefers daddy and nanny to me. She doesn't want to come home with me after I pick her up from mother in laws and it's getting to the point where i dread picking her up! She is fine once we are home though and is quite loving to me when it's just us.

So, on Monday I picked DD up as usual, she didn't want to put her shoes and coat on and come home with me. MIL and SIL both said i was too submissive and needed to be more assertive with her or she would be a nightmare when older. I was sleep deprived and upset, it felt like they were cornering me and nit picking. Anyway, we tried to get DD in my car. She screamed and arched her back...wouldn't go in. MIL insisted DD stay at her house overnight. I drove away in tears, feeling like a failure as a mother and that MIL and SIL were cruel to me. I rang my mum and ranted about them, that i was sick of them and wanted to leave DP ( we are going though a bad patch were we argue constantly and have been for a while). The next day, MIL dropped DD off at my mums. It was meant to be a brief exchange and after a good nights sleep I had begged my mum not to say anything to MIL. But she did. She had a huge go at her, saying she was controlling, her family was ruining my life, I wanted to leave DP and I hated SIL. I am so upset about this and so angry with my mum for not keeping it to herself. I told my mum those things in confidence when I was upset and I hoped they'd never been repeated. DP is so upset with me and asked when he should leave, MIL is so off with me and says our family can never be friends and I have to go to SIL birthday at the weekend and no doubt everyone will have been told and will ignore me. I'm already trying to mend things but it feels pointless. I don't want DP to leave as i hope we can sort things out. Any advice?

You need to focus on your relationship with your dd and dp first.
How often does your mil have dd?
What is the relationship with your dp like?

Don't back away. The can if worms has been opened. Make this your new start.

If none of them can understand your issues then you will have to make some hard decisions for you and your daughter.

Best of luck

OP... with the greatest of respect... Who is supporting You in all of this my lovely ?

Oh dear what a mess.

firstly
you are struggling and had a rant to yor mum. We've all been there, and hopefully our rants usually stay just that, a rant in a friendly ear. It is really unfortunate that yours has got back to the people you were ranting about, but don't feel bad about needed to have a rant somewhere, it is quite normal in marriage, in parenting, and in dealing with relatives!

How to put it right?
Well, I'd start with dh. Try and sit down and have a chat. Just ask him - can we talk?
Tell him you are sorry that all came back to him like that, you were upset and letting off steam to your mum. Tell him you really want to make things work between you, but on that day you were fed up and cross. You don't really wnat to leave him, you are just strugglling with how everything is right now.

Just start there. Make peace with him if you can.

Then address the issue of your MIL.
You and dh need to work together. Make some plans, eg dd is not staying at MILs when she is having a strop.
It may make you feel better than many of us have battled folding a screaming arched- back 2 year old into a car seat, I think Michael Macintyre even has a sketch about it. It doesn't mean she doesn't love you. It means she is 2. And probably tired after a long day.

best of luck OP x

My MIL has DD two days a week but we often see her at the weekend. DPs family and very very close and always in our lives. The relationship between me and DP isn't great as I've struggled with motherhood and as he wants a second baby and i definitely don't due to past mental health issues. I think there is resentment there and not sure how to get past it. We constantly argue too.

(sorry, that was assuming you do want to stay with your dp)

Don't back down. Mil had no right to insist on keeping your DD overnight - DD is your child, not hers. I'd forgive your mum because I think she was just trying to defend her child, although I wouldn't tell her much in confidence for the foreseeable future. And I would definitely let her know that you now feel you cannot trust her not to blab.
Your child is going through a phase and until it changes I'd cut right down on time DD spends with mil. Not as any kind of punishment but so that you and DD can bond.
Explain to both dp and mil that you are not feeling at all supported, just criticised, whether that is their intention or not.
Please also go to the GP and ask for some help. Maybe some PND counseling if it's available.
Agree that you and dp need to sort out your own relationship as a priority and present a united front to everyone else.

What are you two usually arguing about?
Are there changes you’d like to make in your lives that might help your situation?

You need to sit down and talk to your dp about what you want and how you can achieve it.
We’re all entitled to moan about things to our families and your mother really shouldn’t have said anything. You can tell your dp that you were just having a moan about things and your mother shouldn’t have done that.

Mil had no right to insist on keeping your DD overnight - DD is your child, not hers.

I have to agree with this... I'd rather shocked that this action was taken..

I'd chew my mum out about that. Why did she have to repeat everything? You were clearly just venting, she could have just rung up about DD being allowed to stay. They're taking the mick tbh saying you're not tough enough then letting her stay, that's not very supportive. My DS1 was very difficult especially at that age so I sympathize as my mum would try to over parent me

Hi op,
I get what your going through, I also feel like a failure at times. Don't put yourself down though... dd is two, the perfect age to play on emotions! Such a tricky age.
Your the mum here op, don't let mil make the call that dd is best stopping over if she doesn't want to come home with you. This is not up to mil, this is up to you!
I'd just say, oh she'll be fine once we get home. Your the mum, it's your decision, don't give mil the final say, she will never respect you as a mum if you do. Mil I mean, not your dd!
You are a fabulous mum, try your best to be assertive when it comes to mil and sil. Don't let them put you down, they are in the wrong for doing that.
Plus your mum would have just been looking out for you! Don't be too hard on her. Have a good chat with dp, and make this a fresh start of asserting your self with mil and sil when needs be. You can be firm, but nice. In the nicest possible way your the mum, you get to make the decisions. Good luck to you!

It does seem that mil comes across as quite controlling.

MIL was totally wrong, by rewarding Dd's poor behaviour with a sleepover.
She should be supporting you as the parent of her grandchild not working against you. Dd kicks off, Grandma and SIL don't pander to it, they reinforce the shoes on coat on, into the car. They are supposed to help not hinder.
Don't appologize sit down with Dh and talk about it and how it all makes you feel, how can you even think about more children with you are so unsuported with the one you already have, so much so it's affecting your mental health.

Sorry just realised how repetitive my post was, but you get my drift!

Your mum acted the way any mother would - she was protecting her child - you. She must have seen how devastated you were and that your MIL was way, way out of order. Good for your mum I say, you are vulnerable and your mum has your back. I hope you are well again soon. Keep away from the party, you don't have to face them until you feel strong enough.

I would be withdrawing the 2 days mil has dd. Imo your mil is affirming primary carer role and she is out of order. And very confusing for your dd it seems. If you work take a week off spend it with dd and make sure dh backs you up. This situation isn't going to benefit your mh if it continues. And you being well is more important than dgm playing house with your dc.

Your role as mother is being chipped away at so you are starting to doubt your abilities. You are your daughters mother. Her mother!

It's more than likely not that your dd is showing a preference for her dad and grandmother at the moment, it's probably just that she's been having a nice time doing what she was doing and would rather continue with that than put she shoes on, out her coat on, get in the car and drive home.

I would arrange different childcare other than your MIl having her two days as week. It's not working for you, the child's mother.

Find something that you and your dd can do together that you can both look forward to.

Your MIL does sound controlling op if she wanted to help you then she would have backed you up and told DD "you'll see nanny another time now shoes and coat on" personally I think your MIL enjoys the fact DD does this why else would she have "insisted" dd stay with her 🙄 as for your mum yes she shouldn't have repeated what you told her but maybe in her mind she wanted to defend her very upset and stressed out daughter not excusing her breaking your confidence that was out of line but she seems to have had good intentions but the result has opened a can of worms. I'd speak to your DP first about everything just be honest and say how his mum and sister make you feel and its getting you down especially after the "insistence" of dd staying overnight. Be honest about how you feel right now over having another baby and see if you can find a solution. Maybe some counselling may help op speak to your gp they can refer you or give you some numbers of counselling services that you can self refer good luck x

So MIL and SIL tell you to be more assertive with DD and then give in to her when she has a tantrum and allow her a sleepover? If that's not a mixed message nothing is!

As others have said, DD is 2 and this is a very common phase they go through, pushing boundaries, tantrums, playing adults off against each other. Bear with it, it will pass, honestly.

I'd have a discussion with your DM. Maybe MIL pushed her buttons with a derogatory comment and your DM just blurted it out. Let her know it's made things very difficult for you.

I agree with others about trying to tackle this with your DP first. If you want to stay with him and make things work then apologise and explain to him the pressure you're under, how your DDs behaviour makes you feel and how comments from his family just make things worse. Try to say it without making it sound as though you're moaning about them if possible.

Is it necessary for MIL to have DD two days a week? I assume this is because you work? If you can afford it, maybe it's time to consider a nursery instead?

MIL was totally wrong to not let you take your daughter! I wouldn’t go to your SIL’s this weekend - have some one on one time with your DD without your husband. He should be supporting you in this or you should move ahead with plans to separate. Your mum overstepped here but perhaps she was shocked at how you’re being treated. No more childcare from the in-laws!

Your MIL is a twat. She should have been backing you up. 2 years old (whilst lovely and hilarious) will also try the patience of a saint. But your MIL consistently taking your side would help.

Skip the party - you are ill. Take a bit of time out from your in-laws.

To be honest I think your husband needed to know quite how upset and fed up you are. It takes two to make a marriage work - what is he putting in?

(Ps I'm not saying you are actually ill, just in need of some r&r)

Your MIL was out of order, she should never have insisted on a sleepover, she should have helped you with her, seems she enjoys you struggling so she can take over with your daughter.
Be strong OP, stand up to her, if possible take back those 2 days and try and spend some time with just your husband and daughter to reaffirm the family unit.
Your mum shouldn't have said anything but i imagine she was furious with the person who had upset her daughter so badly, so try not to be too hard on her, sounds like it needed to be said eventually
All the best OP

MIL is controlling, how dare she “insist” DD had to stay. I’d nip the childcare in the bud pronto and work on establishing some clear cut boundaries, asserting yourself as the parent.

Your DM interfered when she absolutely shouldn’t have. Whether or not it was out of loyalty to you she overstepped massively. You’re well within your rights to go batshit at this.

Fuck your SIL and her party, don’t go in light of the high running tensions. If things carry on tense after the air has been cleared the my all need to grow the fuck up and you’d be within your rights to step away.

Your DH is the biggest factor in this though, if he is completely on your side, supportive and willing to put you and your DD first as his family I’m sure it’ll all be ok. Did you tell your mum you’re thinking of leaving though as this isn’t the case with DH?

Boundaries are the way forward, apologies are due all round and in any functional, healthy adult relationships you’ll all be able to move on.

I have to say I absolutely recognise the bit about DD having a tantrum when you pick her up, and it isn't because she hates you, it because she's tired and emotional.

DD1 was a nightmare when I used to collect her from inlaws when she was 2, though it didn't help that they used to give her sugar and fail to get her down for a nap in the afternoon, it was the last thing I needed after work, I did have to speak to them about that. She was much better when I picked her up from the childminder.

They started dropping her back home instead which was much better, and they had a key so they could be home before I was if necessary. Though one time I could have cheerfully strangled them when I had got home early and hoped to have a nap for half an hour before they turned up- they seemed to have sensed it and also turned up early

I'm sure you can all work it out if you are reasonable people. It was disloyal and stupid of your mum to repeat what you said but perhaps she was backed into a corner as others have said. I do fully remember how bloody knackering and hard that time was and I totally sympathise with you losing it with them.