Would you help me to process this or even make sense of it . Thanks.

[birminghambabies]

Thanks for opening the post.
I have a bit of chemistry with a long term friend: colleague. We never really acknowledged it as I was married at that time. He was single and pursued contact until I put in some boundaries due to my marriage. My marriage ended when I discovered my husbands affair last year.
My friendship remains close but he has gone grey rock. Not from anything that happened but he is now in a relationship which is fair enough.
Every now and again, he will Text some inappropriate stuff and I let it pass. He will then not contact me for weeks on end and at that it's very formal .
Another few weeks and again there will be suggestive messages or moments , it passes and once more he pulls way back .
He seems very committed in many ways but is as selfish as he has always been or puting himself first at the expense of his girlfriend for his enjoyment with friends hobbies etc.
He is still as huggy as ever and still
Seeks me
Out at work etc. I'm worried he thinks that I'm trying to 'catch' him but the truth is that I've no sexual interest in him but there is personal chemistry . My gut tells me that he crosses his own boundaries, feels bad and then pulls back. Any thought please. It's getting weird . Thanks .

Anyone? All opinions very welcome

If you have no sexual interest in him then why do you care?
And if he’s in a relationship that’s probably it for the best

I am sorry your husband cheated but I don’t think the answer to your future happiness lies in this man

I think he's toying with you op. Walk away.

I guess I'll care because he is blowing hot and cold on me as a friend . That's it really His behaviour has changed for no apparent reason.

Is any part of you enjoying it? I wouldnt give it a second thought if I were you but the fact you're enquiring.... does that mean theres more to it?

How long has this been going on for? What were your responses to his inappropriate messages? I'd have no contact with him outside of work also.

It would be quite easy to shut this down and if you had wanted to, you’d have done it long ago.

My thoughts, as you’ve asked, are that he’s in a relationship but he likes the ego stroke, so he is occasionally checking back in with a suggestive text or a hug or whatever, to make sure he’s still got you on the hook. And as you haven’t put a stop to it, then he knows he has.

What kind of inappropriate messages? Is he likely drunk when he sends them?

He sounds awful. Surely you don’t want to give the time of day to someone who treats you like this?

No he is not drunk when he texts . He may get allude to me being attractive or compare me to women he find attractive .
He was s not a bad person. He is a very lovely man but I do wonder how f he feels
Confused about his feelings. I just hate the weirdness and miss my friend .

I do not engage with those messages. I move on to different topics

Sounds very similar to my friend/colleague.

My guess would be a mixture of 'testing the water' with you, along with as you have mentioned; enjoying blurring the lines, but then suddenly panicking and pulling back.

In all, it's not great behaviour from a supposed friend. It's not at all surprising that you find this behaviour confusing, and it's making things 'weird'.

Look at your own boundaries and behaviour, how to do you respond when he blurs the lines and acts inappropriately?

If you don't need to talk to him, don't. Keep it strictly professional. Cut contact outside out of work.
If he approaches you, and asks about any change in behaviour, that's when you can address how his actions have made you feel.

Honestly ? If he is such a lovely man and good friend I would just talk to him about it. Or at least message back when he messages to ask more about what he means and why he's sending them. You'll never know otherwise

I have been asked on dates recently .I've confifded in him about this but I am
Not ready whatsoever .
He is adamant that it's too soon and should wait till the shit passes .in a kind way . I hate that he now blows hot n cold.
It was always lovely and easy

A sensible person who wanted to shut this down would reply “You are in a relationship, this message is inappropriate and I’m sure your girlfriend would agree. Don’t message me like this again”.

When he tries to get ‘huggy’ at work a sensible person who wanted to shut this down would tell him “Please take your hands off me. We’re at work, this is inappropriate”.

On some level you’re enjoying it. Maybe you’re getting a kick out of feeling superior to his girlfriend. But the joke is on you. He’s not a lovely man, he is using you.

He is mad about his girlfriend. He talks about her all the time . He really is a lovely person but I do think he is struggling on some level and I don't know how to deal with it when there has been unspoken past . He really is a lovely man but I'd never want to be in n a relationship wit him if you get my drift .

I'm sure his girlfriend wouldn't see it that way.

These men are cruel and selfish and have no respect for you or their partners. Hes fishing to see if you'll dangle.

Cut it out. Have some respect. Dont be his plan b. Consider his woman at home. He quite clearly isnt mad about her. He's familiarising her to you before he starts the complaining and slagging her off.

I can guarantee he does this when they have a tiff and he sends you a line to see if you reply. Hes not even embarrassed by his own behaviour. That says it all.

I have massive self respect . My boundaries are tight . I ignore the comments .he truly is a lovely caring man who loves his girlfriend. It feels strange though and I can't make any sense of it . That's why I posted .

He isn’t lovely or caring at all, to the girlfriend who he’s betraying with his ‘suggestive’ texts and with his handsy ways with you at work, or to you, who he’s making an absolute mug of, under the guise of being your friend . He is no friend and you’re a fool to keep letting him dick you about.

Ok
So sorry yes u think he is taking the mick out of me?

If he respected his girlfriend he wouldn't send suggestive texts or be buggy with someone else.

If he was a good friend and care about you he wouldn't tease you with his actions. Blowing hot and cold is a classic way to keep you on your toes. To keep you thinking.

Not stopping the behaviour is the same as you responding positively. You are not asking for it to end so therefore saying you're not against it happening.

You need to open your eyes to this.

Buggy * huggy

Pull him up rather than ignoring or skirting round his behaviour? Ask him what’s going on. Tell him it’s starting to spoil your friendship.

This is what I think:

He was keen on you when you were married. You were dicking him about - chemistry ....... then barriers.

Now he’s doing it back.

It's weird why you care so much. He's just a work colleague who flirts with you sometimes. What's the big deal? Of you don't like the situation the only person's behaviour you can change is your own.

He tried to move in on a married woman (you) now he's trying to cheat on his lovely gf (who he's apparently mad about ) with you.

He's a bad un. He's not remotely lovely.

OP, you need to take a look at your standards because they're basement level.