Would you help me to process this or even make sense of it . Thanks.

[birminghambabies]

Thanks for opening the post.
I have a bit of chemistry with a long term friend: colleague. We never really acknowledged it as I was married at that time. He was single and pursued contact until I put in some boundaries due to my marriage. My marriage ended when I discovered my husbands affair last year.
My friendship remains close but he has gone grey rock. Not from anything that happened but he is now in a relationship which is fair enough.
Every now and again, he will Text some inappropriate stuff and I let it pass. He will then not contact me for weeks on end and at that it's very formal .
Another few weeks and again there will be suggestive messages or moments , it passes and once more he pulls way back .
He seems very committed in many ways but is as selfish as he has always been or puting himself first at the expense of his girlfriend for his enjoyment with friends hobbies etc.
He is still as huggy as ever and still
Seeks me
Out at work etc. I'm worried he thinks that I'm trying to 'catch' him but the truth is that I've no sexual interest in him but there is personal chemistry . My gut tells me that he crosses his own boundaries, feels bad and then pulls back. Any thought please. It's getting weird . Thanks .

Really . I never dicked him
About . That is not what I am at all. I am
A good person and so is he .

What are you even asking ?

Because my friends behaviour is new and upsetting me

But can't you see that's the core of what's wrong? If he truly was a lovely man you would be asking him. Not us. We don't know why a lovely man would do this. We do know why someone messing you about would do it. Maybe we are wrong, but you won't know unless you speak to him about it.

You say you have clear boundaries and that you close the comments down each time. And yet he still makes them. Repeatedly. Knowing you don't want to engage on that level. That's not so nice to me

To ‘grey rock’ you having been your friend is hurtful enough, but to intersperse it with flirting is manipulative whether he sees it that way or not. I’d detach as much as possible if I were you and not respond to the messages. You could even say you would like to keep things as a working relationship from now on. He’s clearly got his own attachment issues going on, and you’re not his therapist.

He knows you want him and is enjoying the reversal in your positions.

You weren’t and aren’t “friends”.

Fuck him off, he’s a twat and he’s making a mug of you.

He's a bloke whose chancing his hand now and again. He has no interest in pursuing a relationship with you but he's put you in the "I would" pile and so, now and again, throws out a line to see if you'll take the bait. You don't so he backs off again until he feels like giving it another go.

He doesn't regard you as friend. He doesn't even respect you as a person.

I am a good person and so is he

Not if he's persistently ignoring your boundaries.

Nor if he's regularly sending you inappropriate messages when he has a girlfriend.

so sorry yes u think he is taking the mick out of me?

Honestly, yes. The world is full of married/attached men who behave like this. None of them respect the women they do it to. They don't regard women as 'people' or 'friends'. We are categorised in terms of whether they'd shag us or not.

Put bluntly, you are not 'special' to him, or in this situation.

He has no respect for you. That is why he is doing it. But he'd shag you if you were up for it.

He's not lovely and he's not your friend. A lovely friend would respect you and care about your feelings. His up and down behaviour and lack of boundaries show that you really aren't that important to him and neither is his girlfriend. He sounds horribly shallow. and egotistical.

He's deliberately toying with you. He's not a good person and I think you need to choose your company more carefully.

Tha bigger question is why on earth you are tolerating his ridiculous behaviour. Surely there aren't enough hours in the day to waste on idiots like him.

I think a lovely man and good friendor even just a lovely man would not compare women's relative attractiveness, esp to their face. Bit misogynistic.

Friends don't do hot and cold - it means they aren't friends. He's not your friend, he's just recruiting for his harem. You should withdraw your application completely. Why wouldn't you?

Of course , you can carry on engaging with this man, who sends inappropriate messages. But the message it gives is 'I'm harem material, I'm harem material!' He is not a good man.

So the question is, are you a good woman? Do you value yourself enough to not be a member of his harem? Do you love yourself enough to be not become someone he can use in triangulation games with his partner?

If you do, block him. Move on. Find genuinely good people.

This sounds really familiar

Why did you tell him you have been asked out by other men? I wouldn’t have thought that was sensible in this situation unless there is some part of you that wants him to be jealous.

I'm sure I wont be the only person to say he is NOT a lovely man

Or maybe he only likes married women?

@Faez it really does this must be about the third thread about this work friend

I don't understand the part about there being personal chemistry but you're not sexually attracted to him. What does that even mean? Because it does sound like you are sexually attracted to h im.

Your marriage broke down and your friend was not only not there to support you (grey rock) but also then seemingly was emotionally cheating behind his current partner’s back by sending you suggestive texts.

Don’t process it. Protect yourself and block him. Invest in yourself this year OP. You deserve better than this.

He’s not a lovely man or a good friend to you he blows hot and cold and sends you suggestive text behind his girlfriends back. I am not sure what your question is or what there is to process just block him and walk away