People don't like me

[NeverMindtheBotox]

I seem to be quite superficially popular, I get on with most people I meet, but after a while once people have got to know me I feel like they just stop liking me. I'm especially sad because I think DP has got there now as well. I don't know what to do, it seems like the harder I try to be nice and not annoying the worse it gets.

Has anyone ever managed to identify and change the parts of themselves that other people dislike?

No. You are who you are. I’ve always been the odd bod, hated it all of my life, now I don’t care.

I've no problem with being odd, I quite enjoy that to be honest. I think though that I might be just unpleasant to be around. Once I've realised that I'm doing it though I think it's probably too late.

I think some people just know what to say and know how to fit in. I quiet frankly have no idea! I often think I have horrendous personal skills or social skills. I don’t really like popular things, so I can’t really join in most conversations.

I used to really care about this when I was younger. I’ve never managed to really fit in with anyone and would often end up faking a certain persona to stay within certain circles/keep particular friends. Then I had children and just stopped caring about being liked and found that I didn’t give a shit what other people thought about me.

And now I have no friends and I’ve never been happier

Maybe you just try too hard and it comes across as fake.

There's someone I know and there's nothing outright she does...but I find her a bit irritating.

I couldn't put my finger on it and I mentioned it to another colleague who I know a lot better. I was trying to see if it was me being impatient.

My colleague said she gets a similar feeling and it really stems from the other lady trying to be so helpful and over efficient. It's like she's trying too hard to be liked.

I found that when I was speaking to her about our kids...we have similar aged children, she was a lot more relaxed and more natural.

Same, OP. Never get asked out again and if people can leave me out, they will. I have ASD so social stuff isn't my forte, though I make an effort. It doesn't make a difference if I try hard or not. I'm not unpleasant, as I do have a DH and my mum would have told me if I was! I don't smell. I have hobbies like everyone else and I like a lot of similar things. It has been really bothering me lately but I am sure it'll pass and I'll be happy antisocial as usual.

When you mentioned trying to not be annoying, I think that could be it. Especially with your DP. I mean, of course you don't WANT to be annoying to him/her, but are you coming across as nervous or anxious in the face of their disapproval? How old are you? I found this kind of thing improves with age, naturally (as you won't be keen to suck up to someone to gain approval, hopefully, as you age). Are you a bit anxious in your attachment style?

Not everyone is going to like you OP and people may go off you once they get to know more about you. This has nothing to do with anything you're doing. Perhaps they vote Tory and you're Lib Dem etc etc

Alternatively, there could be a deeper issues since you say that they seem to like you at first. They may find you inauthentic or a bit of a 'people pleaser' which can be grating.

It might be an idea to have group therapy to see what patterns you have in group settings.

If you are trying too hard people pick up on it and can feel uncomfortable. Just go with the flow. Ask people about themselves. Listen. Contribute. Keep it light. I need to take my own advice!

I get exactly where you’re coming from. This is me too. I’m the only person I know who doesn’t have a single friend carried over from school or university. I’ve noticed that if I’m in a room full of people chatting, they will make eye contact with each other but nobody ever looks me in the eye. Even if I start the conversation or contribute. They’ll glance at me but then engage somebody else. I have no idea why. I don’t think my face is weird. I’ve changed my hair style. Stopped wearing make up...I’ve tried all sorts of things but nothing works. People can’t look at me! I’m just over it now. It is what it is. I’m never going to have that circle of trusted close friends. It’s just something I’ve tried to have my whole life and it’s just never going to happen for me. I’m at the point now where I’ve just stopped trying. What’s the point. Now I just do and say the things that make me personally happy.

I'm like this too so ur not alone. Like another posted, now I have my son I don't care as much

What do you mean by " once I've realised I'm doing it, it's probably too late. "

OP nobody is liked by everyone. That’s just life sadly. As others have said sometimes trying too hard can come across as fake and needy despite being unintentional.
I have a friend at work like this. She’s a very nice and kind person and I do like her personally but in the office she drives me nuts. She is too bubbly and outwardly happy, she calls everyone pet names, it’s sickly. She’s happy all the time but I know (because I speak to her outside of work) she suffers terrible anxiety and low self esteem. At work it’s all too much. I wish she’d behave more like her natural self and I know people would like and respect her more. I don’t know if that resonates with you at all.

In was unpopular due to self loathing. I had no idea who I was and sort of morphed to fit my surroundings, and also needed lots of reassurance.
I’ve learned how to be myself, and am comfortable in my own skin now. People seem to like me these days.

Are you sure you don’t have some kind of anxiety/paranoia? If not, I def wouldn’t try to change who you are to fit in. Could you maybe take up some new interests or hobbies? Maybe you’ve just not found your tribe yet?
Maybe you’re a bit eccentric or quirky op and people don’t know how to take it? I think I’m a bit like that and people maybe find me a little odd or loud - but I honestly don’t care as I’m quite antisocial anyway! I hate making small:talk in the school yard etc. I hate “fakeness” and can spot people like that a mile off. When I was younger I made the effort to get to know people and make acquaintances because I felt it was more important when the kids were younger but now I realise those kind of relationships are superficial and I’m not interested. The days of making small talk at kids parties at the weekends are gone thank god!
I meet up once every few months or so with my oldest friends, have my dh and dcs and mum and siblings and that’s it really!

I feel the same op. I get too overfriendly and over share I think that's partly my issue. Do you tend to overshare? I make the same mistake each time and the friendships go sour .

Watching with interest, I too have no carry over friends and probably over share. Those who keep it general seem to get on better

I think I'm definitely anxious about disapproval. My problem is not with making friends, I find that quite easy. I have a wide range of interests and I can talk to anyone. My problem seems to be that once people know me really well they just stop liking me. I have had a string of 3-5 year relationships, they always get sick of me eventually. My parents and sibling are not really keen on me either, never have been really.

@emilybrontescorsett once I realise I'm being unpleasant or annoying - perhaps complaining too much, or being inattentive or braggy- I often hear myself talking and think that I should just shut up. I often go back over conversations I've had and realise I sound quite horrible.

I feel like I'm very hard work - I'm very aware that people find me irritating so I tend to crave reassurance, then I realise that seeking constant reassurance is annoying so I stop.

I sound like a complete crazy person, I expect that's the problem.

Yy to oversharing, I definitely do that. I think that's a result of having very few proper confidants. Also, I feel like I need to explain myself very clearly, so I end up going in to far too much detail.

I feel the same. Everybody loves me initially then it peters out. I think I’m too open and honest, and that doesn’t help. People I like seem to prefer friends that tell them what they want to hear, even if they don’t mean it. I also think I put too much into new friendships and don’t always notice that it’s me doing all the running. Luckily I seem to have met a husband that gets and appreciates me. My best friend did too, but sadly she died and I feel very alone.

I'm nearly 40 so I should have cracked this by now probably.

I'm sorry about your friend honeyroar
I'm glad your dh appreciates you. Maybe there really is someone out there for everyone.

I think you have an incredible amount of self awareness OP.
Your last post touches on a few areas.

Having the awareness means you're halfway there. You now need to find ways to step back a little.

I think you are judging yourself harshly. I have felt like that at various times in my life, too.

I want to suggest doing some “self-awareness” work to help you identify areas you want to change.

There are all kinds of great free resources online and YouTube if you just search “self-awareness.”