People don't like me

[NeverMindtheBotox]

I seem to be quite superficially popular, I get on with most people I meet, but after a while once people have got to know me I feel like they just stop liking me. I'm especially sad because I think DP has got there now as well. I don't know what to do, it seems like the harder I try to be nice and not annoying the worse it gets.

I also think because your family don't like you, you're seeking that acceptance and wanting to fill the void with friends.

Do you know why your family don't like you?

Is it your perception, or have they done or said things for you to think so?

Has it always been like this, even growing up?

Do your family like each other?

I think the root of your situation, is your family. To have your parents and siblings dislike you is bound to impact on anybody.

Even people who are NC, it still affects them and it's only natural.

BTW... you don't have to answer the questions, it was more my thoughts about what you've said and seeing where it might stem from.

I used to have big problems with people and have always been a bit of a hermit, now I've "come out" as asexual and realise I don't feel the same sort of attraction or have feelings for others that most people have.
It's a bit like having aspergers (I don't) you have to learn what makes other people tick and copy behaviours that you recognise in popular people in order to get on.
So I can go out and make friends all evening now by adjusting the way I behave but I find it exhausting.

My family aren't active in their dislike, there's no abuse or any nastiness. I'm just not their cup of tea. We don't have anything in common really, they all have different politics and interests and they all think I'm a bit 'up my own arse'. My mum has told me in the past that she finds me condescending. I know I do have a tendency to be a bit of a smart arse, but I try desperately not to be.

Wow op, I feel like I could have wrote this. I’m pretty similar and although I have a couple of close friends I don’t have anyone that I physically see on a regular basis since moving away after marriage.
I’m now trying to make friends since having my son 7 months ago and am really struggling.
I’ve always been someone on the edge of social situations and people have never really ‘got’ me. It’s made me quite sad and anxious as I’d hate for my son to be like this when he grows up... I’m really trying for him y’know.

I often find myself overthinking and getting a bit paralysed with fear about whether people will like me or not, and don’t want to come across as overbearing so won’t initiate things.

I’ve got no answers for you but you’re definitely not alone!

It’s so hard op. I totally get you.

I feel ‘normal’ with DH and we joke and laugh and are silly. We chat for hours and I’m very confident and natural around him.

Put me with ANYONE else though and I’m as awkward AF. I ooh and ahh in all the right places when they speak but then have no clue what to talk about when it gets to me. So they start off liking me and then it gets weird when I start trying to make small talk, or end up making crap up, because I genuinely have nothing to talk to them about.
I’ll be like “So it’s been really rainy lately. Gosh I hate the rain. I hate that spray of water in your face. I mean, I like it in the shower when I’m washing but not if I’m dressed. I hope it doesn’t rain for too long”.
My brain is screaming just STFU to me. I can see the stares and them thinking ‘oh-Kay then...’.

I can kind of understand. I have ADHD with autistic traits and this was only diagnosed after I was 40. I don't usually last as long as you do tho lol. I also have Borderline traits, so sometimes I'll lose my temper.

I know exactly what you mean about catching yourself talking shit, or overexplaining. I think of them as autistic traits.

Well done for being good at making friends!

I think you could go into therapy- talk about your anxieties etc.

Met a woman the other day and assumed that she 'didn't like my face.' I was wrong though I think- she must've been pulling that face for some random reason, and was fine when I saw her the next week.

I'm doing a counselling skills course, not because I want to be a counsellor, but I think it might improve my interpersonal skills. Might be something you could try?

Perhaps it makes people give you a bit of leeway nowadays if you say you're autistic/have autistic traits. People can be a bit more forgiving then sometimes. Worth a go!

I’m another one who feels the same OP and relate to a lot of what you say. I also totally understand where you’re coming from @Campurp and many others on this thread. Since leaving Uni I don’t have any friends who I see regularly and I really miss having those close relationships. Since having my first child 3 years ago I have really tried to make new friends, especially ones with kids the same age as mine, but the friendships never go anywhere. I thought I got on well with my NCT group and we all seemed to have great socials together, then a group split off from the rest and I‘ve basically been cut out (the rest of the original group stopped showing up for things long before this, so I was the only one who was effectively cut out). A similar thing happened in a previous job with work friends. These things have then made me very anxious about what I’m doing wrong, so I find it harder to relax when I meet new people and I constantly worry about what I’m saying/how I come across etc. I’m so worried about this happening to my kids as I don’t want them to feel this lonely!

Try to listen more and talk less. Become a good listener.

I’ll be like “So it’s been really rainy lately. Gosh I hate the rain. I hate that spray of water in your face. I mean, I like it in the shower when I’m washing but not if I’m dressed. I hope it doesn’t rain for too long”.

@DBML are you me? I shared my thoughts on drizzly rain being worse than really wet rain this week with someone I find I either have "gappy" conversations or end up talking at the same time "oh sorry, no go on, after you"

I'm also absolutely fine with people I know and like, or in a professional role, but things like school gate chit chat (although mine are older now) are just beyond me.

I think we should all meet up and be awkward together

"I'm also absolutely fine with people I know and like, or in a professional role, but things like school gate chit chat (although mine are older now) are just beyond me."

Same here. I hate schoolgate chit chat with passion and am normally really good at small talk or any kind of talk with people from all walks of life. It's talking briefly to potentially lots of different people in a short time span when all I want to do is focus on getting kids to school. I suppose most of the chats I find inane and it bores me stiff so I have to make an effort to appear interested.

I haven't got this problem at work at all, where I am happy to do small talk with colleagues I know well or not so well. I feel more comfortable in a gown up environment I suppose. The school run has given me social anxiety yet I am confident in other areas of my life.

Op, you'll be fine. Try and work on your communication skills a bit and just do activities that make you happy. Also, we don't have to be liked by everyone. Ask yourself instead, what do you think of the other person. Are they worth your time? I find many people are super selfish but I also know that I need to be more tolerant of this to not feel affected by it.

OP, I'm wondering if you are the best judge of yourself. I would say ask those closest to you but what if you have allowed people to become close to you who ate simply repeating a familiar old dynamic learned from the one between you and your parents. This kind of thing can be explored in therapy, like cognitive analytic therapy, time limited to 16 sessions so you don't break the bank. The therapist also uses their experience of you to help identify the issues.

they all think I'm a bit 'up my own arse'. My mum has told me in the past that she finds me condescending. I know I do have a tendency to be a bit of a smart arse, but I try desperately not to be

I agree with the Cognitive thing and you may find that there is a better way to live your life - your behaviour is obviously part of something else ? Wanting attention perhaps ?

Your level of self awareness is really impressive, and I can relate to a b lot of what you say.
To me it sounds like you need to integrate more, so you are more aligned with your awareness, and there aren’t bits of your personality off at a tangent, while you quietly cringe and wish you could shut up.
An effective way of doing that is to be less heady and more embodied.
Things that have helped me are

1. Dealing with my trauma through therapy
2. Working with anEmbodied Presence therapist
3. Meditating and mindfulness

I'm the opposite to you OP. People think I'm a twat when they first meet me 😂! But I have long standing friends and I'm always asked to be bridesmaid for them (so they can't think I'm a twat now). I come across a bit harsh and abrupt initially.

Maybe you need to be yourself from the get go so they will love you always!

Do you think you have outgrown or moved on from your family?
Do the rest of them still live in the same area ability you have moved on?
Have you developed your own mindset whereas they are stuck with old stereotypes?
It’s just a thought.
As for school gate friends and naming friends after having a baby I too struggled.
I think what you need to remember us that you have nothing in common with the other parents besides the fact that you are all parents!
I’m not friends with o w single person I met at baby or toddler groups.
I am still best friends with my old school friend who has never had children.
We did drift apart when I had kids and she didn’t but now we are very close even after all this time.
I Do think a lot of people are quite awkward around new comers and don’t make you feel welcome. I never warm to anyone like this. If they are happy to leave me feeling alone and uncomfortable then I’m not interested in getting to know them either.

I hate the rain on my face too. Especially when it’s windy. Wind makes me peevish

OP, is it possible that you've internalised your mother's criticism and now assume that this is what people think of you...leading to social anxiety? Is it possible that this also causes you to emotionally distance and/or pull back from new friends?

In your shoes, I would explore the psychological influence of your upbringing.

I don’t really identify with your problem OP but I do sympathise as you sound absolutely lovely but very frustrated. You mentioned moaning to other people though. I’ve never got why people moan, and I must admit I cut people out if it turns out that’s what they want from me, a sounding-board for whingeing.

I get your OP. Don't worry you are not alone.