We were pushed out of our own house by teenagers

[sillycat72]

We are a blended family and it has been so hard. His dcs are 14 and 15 both girls and mine are 16 and 13 girl and boy.

Dh teens basically decided after 7 years they wanted their dad to themselves and they became really difficult and jealous his youngest dd posted a disgusting video on tick tock aimed at me singing, this is the face your going to loose to, f you, screw you. My son goes to the same school so all his friends were telling him about it, he was upset, I told dh etc. Basically after that she would never go back to school to face the backlash and this was last October. She said she wasn't happy here and it was all because of me, which hurt but I stepped back and just let her and her sister spend time with their dad. The older one then joined in the hate protest and things escalated, dh decided his kids came first so we were out. His dcs loved it they finally had their dad to themselves and got us out. I had no idea what I had done wrong just everyone was blaming me. I never cried so much. Spent Xmas seperately and new year. Then Dh started to realise they still weren't coming even when I wasn't there, then he was on his own cos they spent half the time with their mum.

We dated for a while in our seperate houses, he was so sorry, he realises I wasn't to blame I had always been so good to them and they were just being jealous teenagers and he should of been stronger. So I came back! The issues are still there, dh has been a bit better but he's gone into a depression because of the thought of loosing his dds.

For me it's hard as I'm not happy but I don't want to keep moving my kids out then back in again, they are the innocent party! Plus we own this house jointly. I just don't know what to do

She isnt being sent to someone elses house...just being told to stay in her own home with her own mum and see her dad elsewhere if she doesn't like the OP.

She isnt being sent.to someone elses home as you suggest

Sounds like a nightmare.

Did he realise he was wrong to let his teenagers call the shots? Or did he realise how hard it was to be a single parent?

Personally unless the pair of you can present a united front and actually be united behind the scenes i think it's doomed. Who gives teenagers that kind of power over their lives?!

Sell up and move yourself and your kids out. They deserve a normal life and your partner and his kids are making life hugely stressful. Your partner not wanting to live alone does not take priority over your own children's well-being.

I think there are quite a few factors here, much too long to go into. I can't really win though I used to go out of my way to treat the girls the same as my 2 but now that is wrong as they see me somehow trying to be their mum, but I do think they are jealous of my relationship with my daughter. They get in better with my son, he's pretty laid back, my dd can be jealous too tbh.
They are being vile atm but they are teenagers and I still think they would prefer their mum and dad together, I know I did when my parents were divorced. Unfortunately even though their mum is with someone else, she doesn't help the situation she is also quite jealous and I could write a book about the things she has done to try and cause trouble. So this were the girls are getting it from.
It's very hard to punish them when they don't want to be here or set boundaries, they are just set to boycott everything in the hope their dad will see sense and as they were allowed to win once they will try extra hard this time. He has always struggled with disciplining them incase he lost them and that is why they hold all the power now.
It's not easy for them either blended families never are. My dcs want to stay in their home so that's it, and not be made to move out again so we are staying for now, if this can't be resolved then yes the house will have to be sold and off we go then. It's just so difficult honestly whereas things haven't been perfect like any family but we've had such good times, holidays, games etc I just don't know what went so wrong

Teens are bundles of hormones, angst, peer pressure and direct all their worries that manifests in anger at the people they know love them the most.

It's not an easy time even when their parents are together. There are classes and books that help you understand the teenage mind and when you understand where it comes from and have better ways of dealing with it, walking away from it and not taking it personally it helps.

@ravenmum I'm quite sure the tik tok video was aimed at me, it said step mum as a caption and someone commented was it aimed at me and she replied yes, so I'm 100% sure!

I remember the previous post. At the time the OP admitted she reacted to the SD’s provocation. And of course that would be the case. The dysfunction in the blended family isn’t down to one child. Everyone plays a part to some extent in a family breakdown.

The bottom line is that the OP wasn’t pushed out by teens. Just taking that view is immature and speaks volumes to a lack of insight into the failings in the relationship between the OP and her husband.

The teen may have posted the video. But the adult reaction is what caused the marriage to fall apart. The adults need to address that instead of pointing the finger at a child. If they can’t parent that child together, they can’t be together. No matter what she does.

Time to move on OP. This isn’t something that work. But that’s because of the problems between you and him.

I don't agree lemmtt you should try being in a situation like this, it's not easy on anyone and you don't know the half of it!!!!!!

I found some of your posts a bit confusing, but your step children seem to have been vile to you and your DCs and your DP (their father) hasn't stopped it. If it were me I'd be making firm plans to move out and stay moved out, I'd also divorce him (as he seems to have been completely unsupportive) and you have to put your DCs first. Get your own place, sell your joint house and fully support your DCs and put them first.

Sorry meant @LemonTT

No of course I don’t know the half of it. But you keep saying you don’t either. All your posts say that you don’t know why this has happened. You seem fixated on the teen who you no longer have a relationship with. It was her father who broke up with you and pushed you out of the home.

Move on with your life and forget about being with her father.

MyuMe

But it isnt your own dd is it.

It her dh's own child. he has to parent her. I have very clearly said that it is his job, not OPs, but just sending her back to mums when she misbehaves isn't parenting

The girl in this scenario has a home...with her mother and that is her primary home.
No, she has 2 homes, one with mum and one with dad. If dad's house isn't home, then that right there is part of the problem

No one is kicking her out of her home...just telling her if she doesn't like it she doesn't have to come over and her dad can see her off premises.
yes they are. This is one of her homes. Dad doesn't get to pass the buck bakc to mum when he can't parent. he has to resolve his problems with his dds, in his home and not just say - don't bother coming then

You'd rather see the OP homeless with her DC to quell a spoilt nasty brats temper
no, I have very clearly said that if they can't work it out, then marriage is over and they have to proceed as you would when any marriage fails, ie sell the joint home etc. OP should never have had to leave, and should never be expected to leave, because the dad should have stepped in and disciplined the girl.
Again, the issue is his parenting, or how they work that out as a couple, and the OP is suffering from his poor parenting. She and her dc do not have to leave, but you can't just say I don't liek her behaviour, her mum has to dela with it

You have missed the point.
I have the point quite firmly thank you, but you don't seem to have read my posts. Either that, or you think that joint responsibility as a parent actually means the mother is the parent and the dad can cop out.

You are comparing throwing your own dd out and making her homeless when that is not comparable here.
I am saying that she has 2 homes, and you cannot throw her out of one when you don't like her behaviour. If a teen misbehaves you can't just pass the buck. You have to put the consequences etc in where they live, which at that moment is the dad's house.

But to me the whole situation sounds more and more like there is a Dad problem, not a dd problem.

I think LemonTT speaks a lot of sense here.

It can be utterly terrifying as a divorced dad, that if you put a foot “wrong” you may lose time with your kids, or even a relationship altogether. It can feel like you have no control, and the power is all with the ex (and kids to some extent but ex can definitely exert influence)

Add a new relationship and kids into the mix and it can feel like you are between a rock and a hard place trying to balance needs of existing kids, new kids, new partner and you can feel you get nothing right and lose everything

I feel a bit for him, and yes maybe he made the wrong call, but I can see why he might, in desperation, get it wring

The teen may have posted the video. But the adult reaction is what caused the marriage to fall apart.
I agree. I remember as a child writing a load of nasty things about my mum on a piece of cardboard and hiding it in the back of my cupboard (made total sense at the time!). She cleaned out the cupboard and found it. But her reaction was mainly resignation to the fact that I was currently a hormonal teenager. I used to tell people that I hated my mum. Thanks to the wonders of technology you've been unlucky enough to actually see it happen.

Her singing along to a song with words that she sees as fitting her situation is a little bit different to if she had written it about you. But even if she had done that, she's a teenager. She's not thinking like an adult. Playing awful whingy music and being dramatic is what teenagers do.

It can be utterly terrifying as a divorced dad, that if you put a foot “wrong” you may lose time with your kids, or even a relationship altogether. It can feel like you have no control, and the power is all with the ex (and kids to some extent but ex can definitely exert influence)

Thanks Bill. A lot of StepMum posts indicate the father being afraid to discipline their kids when they visit. But while I'm sure it's maddening for the stepmum, it's good to hear from a father about just how scary it is to think that the kids you love so much might just stop visiting. It must be a tricky path to negotiate on both sides. It's good to get the father's perspective, and empathy is needed on both sides..

I’m so sorry, this sounds like a horrid situation to be in. DH should be supporting YOU and telling his kids to show some respect. Are they able to treat their mums partner this way? Has DH spoken to his ex? Explained exactly how they are treating you and your kids, it’s not acceptable, and won’t be tolerated? Made it clear that he won’t put up with this shitty behaviour anymore? She needs to be thinking about what type of adults they are going to grow up to be! If he isn’t doing these things he is not worthy of you. You and your children deserve better. Please get some counselling for this. If you are prepared to try to repair your relationship with DH, then perhaps Relate can help?

There are some awful problems with the family dynamics that other people have called out but Basically after that she would never go back to school to face the backlash and this was last October.

A 14-year-old hasn't been in school since October?

Honestly, it doesn't matter whether the DSDs are being vile or whatever.

The issue (as always) is that the OP's DH is totally at fault here. He's reaping the rewards of years of Disney Dad-ing and now cannot or will not parent his own daughters properly. He's willing to treat his wife (and her children) dreadfully rather than discipline his daughters for what is totally unacceptable behaviour. But he also doesn't want to have to do his own housework find ways of entertaining himself in his childfree time, so he wants the OP back.

Honestly, OP. You deserve better than that. Your children do too. Actually separating and splitting the marital assets properly so that you are both adequately housed etc is the sensible thing to do. Forcing you and your children to move out because he couldn't be arsed to tell his daughter off is grounds for an unreasonable behaviour divorce petition.

just how scary it is to think that the kids you love so much might just stop visiting

No. Sorry, that's a cop out. Nobody stops a relationship with a parent just because they got told off. Teenagers may well threaten to, they may go off the radar for a week, but the parent's job is to be consistent and let the teen know he always loves her and will always be there for her.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas - i'm not sure that's entirely fair.

while you're right, the dad should be maintaining a consistent tone, so that regardless of behaviour, they always know he is there, and that he cares.

however, if the DD is shouting about not wanting to come, and the exW has said something along the lines of "they're old enough to make up their own minds", which isn't really beyond the realms of possibility, you surely would understand a degree of worry and for the dad to try other things that might improve the situation?

i'm pretty sure in that situation, i'd also be doing whatever i could to salvage a relationship with my DD. i doubt many would have the nerve to do nothing and just thing "she'll come round eventually"

@BillMasen yeh I guess this is how my dh feels, it's so hard, but by not disciplining them they now think they have control, so he's lost them in a way anyway, for now anyway. Things maybe different next month

You've been treated terribly. What your DH did to you was a huge betrayal and he doesn't have your back. He quickly threw you and your DC under the bus.

You deserve much better.