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Original poster

Do you think I am overreacting?

43 replies

isthismylifenow · 28/01/2020 18:35

Brief back story. Been with DP about 18 months. We both in late 40s and divorced. He works away in a position where he is for 6 weeks and then is on leave for 6 weeks. We don't live together and see each other mostly only on weekends as he lives a fair way away. He does his own thing in the week when he's off, which is not a lot, golf etc. This past holiday season he was off and his leave was extended so it's the first time we have spend lengthy time together

During the holidays things were good but since I got back to work there's been a few niggles. I put it down to not being used to spending so much time together. I have been single for 5 years so it has taken some adjustments, the usual having to consider another, not just up and doing what you want etc.

The past 2 weeks have been quite stressful. First concern was that he had a go at me because we are both on a whatsapp group, and I posted on there and he got the huff because I didn't say hi to him personally. I was at work and just replied to a random group message. We had a bit of a row about that as he was clearly in a huff as I was speaking to others and not him.
Last week another row as I was online and he implied the thought crossed his mind I was chatting to someone else as I didn't immediately reply to him. Got past that one as I basically told him to stop being ridiculous and that I can speak to whomever I want.
But last night was the corker. We were having a chat on whatsapp. All quite normal. My DC came in to talk to me about something, so I left my phone on the side for about 45 mins. When I got back to phone I see he's messaged again, then again with waving emoji 10 mins later. I just reply to previous message and ignore that. Then he sends a long messages saying that it would be nice if I tell him somethings come up and that I'll be back soon saying DC is here etc. I said what must I do, stop a convo with DC to go to the other room to get phone to say I'll be right back then carry on with DC. Yes he says, it's called communication and he was sitting looking at his phone waiting for a reply for 45 mins.
Well to say I lost it is an understatement. Said things that he didn't take well, like I can't sit on phone 24 /7, I do have 2 dc and that things happen and I will reply when can. Nope this wasn't good enough and this has gone back and forth in a very heated argument since last night. Tonight he is still bleating on about I'm causing drop in communication, it's only courtesy for me to tell him if I can't talk... Er..
So I knocked the conversation on its head earlier. Said I'm done. Then he messages that he loves me and I just reply with a good night. Then the barrage of messages continue as I didn't say I love you back. I see he's just send an audio, apparently I song I sent him in June saying he misses me Hmm
He always has to have the last word even though apparently he no longer wants to discuss it, then continues to message about the same fucking thing!
I told him he's smothering and behaves like he needs 100% attention. So now I've attacked his character apparently.

I came out of an emotionally abusive marriage of 20 years so I thought I was on high alert for issues. So now I am and I'm saying I don't like it and he's taking offence. He says I'm overreacting as I, yes me, could have fixed this in 2 secs last night by saying I'm not going to be able to chat for God knows how long when DC needed me. Do you think I'm overreacting as I just don't fucking know anymore.

OP posts:
WatchmeRise · 28/01/2020 18:42

I'd say this is a big "red flag". I don't think you are overreacting at all. He sounds very needy and almost controlling. I'd look out for other signs otherwise I would have a discussion about this WhatsApp business. All the best OP.

Lozzerbmc · 28/01/2020 18:43

I dont think you are over reacting - why was he being so needy? Sounds like its run its course

category12 · 28/01/2020 18:46

He's being unreasonable and i would dump him if I were you. You're beginning to see what he's really like.

Krazynights34 · 28/01/2020 18:50

Ouch! This guy is controlling.
Take it from someone who knows- he wants all of you and would possibly just drain you.
I mean, where’s the empathy for your situation?

Original poster
isthismylifenow · 28/01/2020 18:50

Lozzer, when I said to him I feel completely smothered he replies with a sarcastic 'oh so now I'm jealous and controlling' . To which I said yes that's how it feels. He tells me he isn't. So it's not like I'm just keeping quiet, which is one of my things I did in my marriage, so don't keep quiet now. But he took HUGE offence to that and said I'm attacking his character. Well to me he was being controlling and jealous so its not a lie. Yes its not nice being told that I know, but it's exactly how I have been feeling. I don't know if there can be a come back from this. I just don't know. Things were going so well in the relationship

OP posts:
SinglePringle · 28/01/2020 18:55

He sounds like a needy teen kicking off because their girl or boyfriend didn’t reply quickly enough.

I’d be very wary...

Original poster
isthismylifenow · 28/01/2020 18:56

Krazy, that's it exactly. I feel completely drained. Already. I know it's not a good feeling. Oh he also said that he thinks I don't actually want to be in a relationship. Maybe that part is correct.

OP posts:
CodenameVillanelle · 28/01/2020 18:57

Things were going so well when you didn't see each other that much, now you've spent more time together and you can see he's a clingy, controlling, emotionally abusive man. Time to cut him loose?

Batqueen · 28/01/2020 19:06

You are addressing the behaviour not attacking him personally.

He is then turning this back on you for daring to challenge him

Massive red flag 🚩

Interestedwoman · 28/01/2020 19:08

That would really irritate me and I wouldn't put up with it. Life gets in the way and you can't be 'on call' to message, you could be chatting to your DC, down the shops etc etc. I enjoy messaging, but I had one on PoF who was like that, and I just said I'm not going to answer immediately all the time.

Nor do you need to message beforehand with an excuse. If it were me I'd maybe go, 'hi, sorry, DC came in for a bit' afterwards, but even then, 45 minutes isn't long. That'd be too annoying for me.

RebelWithVerySharpClaws · 28/01/2020 19:29

He sounds like a jealous controlling arse.

anotherdisaster · 28/01/2020 19:38

Massive red flags all over this. I'm surprised you've not noticed anything before. 18 months seems a long time to hide this controlling behaviour. Its not good and I wouldn't put up with it.

sonjadog · 28/01/2020 20:19

So many things wrong with this but one point, when you mentioned behaviour of his that you didn't like, his response was to tell you that he isn't. In other words, he isn't willing to take your opinion and feelings seriously. He has unilaterally decided that you are wrong and he is right. This is not the behaviour of a good person and someone you want to be in a relationship. This is the behaviour of someone controlling and potentially abusive.

If someone told you that they disliked something you did, would you respond the way he has, or would you listen, talk about it and take it into consideration in future? I bet you would, because that is how a non-controlling, non-abusive person behaves.

NotStayingIn · 28/01/2020 20:28

Wow, he is a bit me, me, me, me, me isn’t he. So many red flags. If he’s already such a pain in the arse now, I don’t think it bodes well for a happy future.

YasssKween · 28/01/2020 20:59

You aren't happy with him and the relationship is already unhealthy. It's stressing you out (as it would most people) and making you feel smothered. When you have attempted to discuss this in an adult way he has played the victim and guilt tripped you / been snarky instead of discussing like an adult.

So.

What further justification do you need to end a relationship that has run its course?

Original poster
isthismylifenow · 29/01/2020 06:05

Thank you everyone. I really just needed to get this out somewhere, and i think its helped me reading back what I wrote.

I think the signs were there from the start. Why I didn't see it I have no idea. Lots of gifts, eating out and top places, in fact we have a very expensive holiday coming up which now I am not sure what will happen as he told me repeatedly when he paid the deposit, then the next installment and then the next. Wouldn't hear of me contributing.

So I have ended it. To be honest I don't feel any less shit, but even more. He has asked me not to block him yet as we have things to discuss, which I assume is the holiday etc. He has made a big announcement on the whatsapp group of our split, the group i left last night. He was very active on it and I think that is was so that he could check if i had read those messages, as I didn't read his that he sent me.

I said to him once again that although I tried multiple times to explain what upset me, he hasn't understood what was so upsetting to me. His response to that was that I don't understand his side. Not one mention of yes I get that you have a house full or any empathy as one pp put it, to my situation of having just more than myself to think about and way less free time than him.

Now I am getting a million messages from the group asking if I am ok.

My heart feels like its breaking. I know that sounds dramatic. I cannot believe its come to this, like 0-200kms in a day.

I think I have come to realise that at age nearly 50 i don't even know what a normal relationship is like. How sad is that.

OP posts:
finn1020 · 29/01/2020 06:11

You did the right thing OP. Flowers

GiveHerHellFromUs · 29/01/2020 06:26

You did the right thing and you do know what a normal relationship is because you knew his behaviour isn't normal x

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/01/2020 06:45

You did the right thing.

Please look at the Freedom Programme run by women’s aid and enrol yourself onto it. Your boundaries, already weakened by a previous abusive relationship, have been further battered by this individual and you remain emotionally vulnerable

Consider too what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/01/2020 06:47

You do not owe this man any further contact so I would block him.

Have a read too of ‘why does he do that?’ by Lundy Bancroft

Original poster
isthismylifenow · 29/01/2020 06:59

Thanks Attila, I have just downloaded the book so will start it tonight. Quite a good thought that I can actually now read something without constant interruptions.

I will look that the programme. I think you are right, I have been emotionally vulnerable this whole time, and there he was to save the day. Things do seem a little clearer now.

I actually cannot believe that once again I am sitting here feeling this way. I vowed after my divorce that I would never enter into another relationship, some years later that changed. I feel it even stronger now, I just cannot do drama anymore.

OP posts:
BedSprings · 29/01/2020 07:12

I'd give it time to cool down and process what happened OP before calling it a day. Keeping a relationship going via messaging is fraught with miss communication, it can be a minefield when you don't know someone that well.
Not everyone 'gets' how messaging works, I've found, particularly men it has to be said. Some people treat messaging like a phone call and take it personally if you don't get back straight away, I'd cut yourselves some slack.

4amWitchingHour · 29/01/2020 07:27

@BedSprings RTFT....

Windmillwhirl · 29/01/2020 07:34

Don't be so hard on yourself. It's normal at the start of a relationship for people to show their best side, be generous etc.

He sounds incredibly insecure and that is not attractive in anyone.

The always needing to have the last word is controlling.

Be thankful you found out now while it's easy to walk away.

And don't be so hard on yourself. The main thing is you don't stay now you know his true colours!

OhMeows · 29/01/2020 07:34

Good lord OP, he sounds like a needy teenager. Of course to don't have to message to tell him you're with your DC, you can't be at his constant beck and call!

He sounds like his controlling nature is starting to reveal itself. This often then escalates as the relationship progresses.

Lucky escape I'd say. Absurd baby man.