Do you think I am overreacting?

[isthismylifenow]

Brief back story. Been with DP about 18 months. We both in late 40s and divorced. He works away in a position where he is for 6 weeks and then is on leave for 6 weeks. We don't live together and see each other mostly only on weekends as he lives a fair way away. He does his own thing in the week when he's off, which is not a lot, golf etc. This past holiday season he was off and his leave was extended so it's the first time we have spend lengthy time together

During the holidays things were good but since I got back to work there's been a few niggles. I put it down to not being used to spending so much time together. I have been single for 5 years so it has taken some adjustments, the usual having to consider another, not just up and doing what you want etc.

The past 2 weeks have been quite stressful. First concern was that he had a go at me because we are both on a whatsapp group, and I posted on there and he got the huff because I didn't say hi to him personally. I was at work and just replied to a random group message. We had a bit of a row about that as he was clearly in a huff as I was speaking to others and not him.
Last week another row as I was online and he implied the thought crossed his mind I was chatting to someone else as I didn't immediately reply to him. Got past that one as I basically told him to stop being ridiculous and that I can speak to whomever I want.
But last night was the corker. We were having a chat on whatsapp. All quite normal. My DC came in to talk to me about something, so I left my phone on the side for about 45 mins. When I got back to phone I see he's messaged again, then again with waving emoji 10 mins later. I just reply to previous message and ignore that. Then he sends a long messages saying that it would be nice if I tell him somethings come up and that I'll be back soon saying DC is here etc. I said what must I do, stop a convo with DC to go to the other room to get phone to say I'll be right back then carry on with DC. Yes he says, it's called communication and he was sitting looking at his phone waiting for a reply for 45 mins.
Well to say I lost it is an understatement. Said things that he didn't take well, like I can't sit on phone 24 /7, I do have 2 dc and that things happen and I will reply when can. Nope this wasn't good enough and this has gone back and forth in a very heated argument since last night. Tonight he is still bleating on about I'm causing drop in communication, it's only courtesy for me to tell him if I can't talk... Er..
So I knocked the conversation on its head earlier. Said I'm done. Then he messages that he loves me and I just reply with a good night. Then the barrage of messages continue as I didn't say I love you back. I see he's just send an audio, apparently I song I sent him in June saying he misses me
He always has to have the last word even though apparently he no longer wants to discuss it, then continues to message about the same fucking thing!
I told him he's smothering and behaves like he needs 100% attention. So now I've attacked his character apparently.

I came out of an emotionally abusive marriage of 20 years so I thought I was on high alert for issues. So now I am and I'm saying I don't like it and he's taking offence. He says I'm overreacting as I, yes me, could have fixed this in 2 secs last night by saying I'm not going to be able to chat for God knows how long when DC needed me. Do you think I'm overreacting as I just don't fucking know anymore.

You've done absolutely the right thing.

There is nothing wrong with relationships and I'm sore you can have one, but the right one. You've been able to identify the red flags early on which is good and the mode you read, plus freedom program, the more you'll be able to avoid these types of men.

Of course he's sending you a million texts, he'll pester for quite some time I'm afraid if you let him. In your position I'd set up and email address for him to use to discuss the holiday etc but then block him on everything else.

Also be careful if his flying monkeys in the form of friends. Those you know who are genuine talk to, those you don't know well just ignore

@isthismylifenow. I’m sorry to hear of your situation. A guys perspective for what it’s worth......his behaviour isn’t normal. Yes it can be mildly irritating if you’re having a conversation with someone on WhatsApp an they stop responding or disappear, my wife does it frequently but that’s life and I know she is busy and will reply when she can. His behaviour is possessive and to come degree controlling. He is needy and has to be the centre of your attention. You say you have ended it......I think that is for the best tbh. You don’t need that sort of thing, no one does. I hope you are able to find someone a little more normal.....what ever normal is!

No you are not over reacting. Dump and run.

TheReef, yes I have had quite a few messages from mutual friends as he made this all official by saying on the group (less than 2 hours after it happened)... Why he felt the need to do that I don't know, but I just put that down to him wanting to control that too. As i don't now know what responses he got on the group, I am just answering as brief as possible to the friends, as i have no clue what he has told them.

R2519, thank you. Yes its a bit irritating to have a discussion cut short like that, although it was not even during a proper discussion, it was more a chit chat situation. But it was the reaction to it, any other person, including me think like you, that something came up and she will reply later when she can.

I think he is very insecure, but at this stage in my life I am not willing to take on a fix it relationship. I don't have the energy or the head space for it anymore. I hope he sees this but i am quite sure that he won't and it will remain me having over reacted and not understanding him.

I dont plan on seeking out any relationships now, but thank you. I have two dc to focus on, and will go back to single life as I remember it. Which to be honest I quite enjoyed. Lets just hope that I can shift this awful sick and gut wrenched feeling soon.

Thanks all for letting me offload.

Apologies azigazagah
that was to @4amWitchingHour

@isthismylifenow. i think at any stage of life you cant be dealing with that sort of thing. There is insecure and there is another level of insecure. He sounds pretty bad to be honest. Im not usually one to get drawn into the whole LTB thing, but on this occassion you have done the right thing in ending it. No one needs that sort of behaviour. Its almost like he is checking up on you to some degree......very strange and would only get worse and more controlling!

R2519 yes it escalated to this level practically overnight as I challenged him i think. I have re-read through the messages, and there is stuff that I missed at the time. He accused me of all sorts, even saying that I compared him to my ex. I didn't even mention my ex so I asked him where I said that. I missed his reply that said, read back through the chat. Still never found any mention of my talking about ex re-reading it. He was so defensive. I am actually quite angry now after I read it all again. I think angry is good though, as before i was very emotional.

Oh well, onwards and upwards as they say. I just told my dd, who was quite shocked as she likes him a lot. She asked why and I told her briefly (she is 18 so an adult), her response was, she would never have known it was the case, but that's not how she pictured a relationship should be. She is right. I was happy that she said that as i can see that she won't easily accept being treated like this one day.

Thanks again everyone. I wait with bated breath to find out what he comes out with in regards to whatever it is we need to discuss. It will be short from my side as my mind is made up now, I will not be talked into continuing this.

Good for you. It will hurt for a while, but as I am sure you know, the hurt passes. You have been a great role model for your DD in this. You have shown her that the response to a man behaving like this is not to bend yourself backwards to placate him, but to end it.

Just wanted to do a small update.

I've been OK about the decision, managed to read the Lundy book and a few things were spot on. Of course this is one of the milder cases but still there iyswim.

Anyway he's been in touch again asking me to see if we can try again. I've said no I can't see how it can and that I don't want to etc etc etc. Still he's continuing. He just still cannot and never will see the bigger issue here. He still just thinks this whole thing is about a message. It's so much more than that. So I've said no how many times and now his last message is that he will give me time to think about it. Sigh.

I'm soft natured and he knows that so he's coming out with the I haven't slept, I'm so confused etc comments. He's also said he posted back angry because of what I said then ends with a hug emoji. I need a line to type to say no I don't want to continue this that he will just understand. As he's either just not getting it or is acting that he doesn't. So he's left the ball in my court once again now so once again I'll be the bad guy.

This behaviour is typical I think from what I have read, but bloody hell it doesn't make things easier.

In his head you will always be the bad guy but you don't have to except that role. You did the right thing and were a good example to your daughter. Honestly the best thing to do now is to block him, there is no need for further communication. 💐

Hi OP,
I didn't want to read and run so just wanted to say i'm sorry to hear what you have been going through.
I think you have done the right thing in ending this relationship.
I do wonder though if you should now send one last message saying you are blocking him and that you both need to move on?
Best wishes to you for the future.

Hi @isthismylifenow, I just wanted to say that I think you handled this brilliantly, and as a previous poster said, you're an excellent role model for your daughter.

In terms of a message, how about something like "I have already told you I don't want to continue this relationship. I'm not going to change my mind. Stop contacting me."

I think it's best to just be clear and succinct, and this leaves no room for doubt.

Best of luck, OP.

Maybe say if this is what you needed to discuss there is no point as I'm not changing my mind. If there is anything other than the ending of our relationship that you would like to discuss I suggest you do so as from Sunday 2nd Feb at 12pm you will be blocked. As I have stated numerous times this relationship is over. Goodbye.

He sounds like an absolute pain in the neck. You definitely need to untangle from him.

You've done the right thing. He sees himself and his needs and wants as more important than those of you and your children.

Maybe just reply and very bluntly say "I have thought about it and my decision is final."

You’ve been clear. He is completely ignoring your no.
He’s trying to coerce you into letting him make decisions for you.

Short message. I don’t need time as my decision is final. As you are finding it difficult to accept this I am stopping contact from now. All the best for the future.

Then block.

And no more dating for a while, freedom programme would be very very helpful for you to avoid this type of relationship in the future.

You have been clear and he is choosing not to hear you. In his mind, what you feel and think is unimportant and you come second to him. I hope this behaviour makes it clear to you that ending it was absolutely the right thing to do?

You could just block him now or refuse to engage, but if you really want to send something final, keep it short and clear. Something like "I no longer want to continue our relationship. I will not change my mind. Please do not contact me again." He will probably contact you again as he thinks he is the only one who really matters, but then just block him and be done.