How do you respond to this?

[mokapot]

My partner told me today she thinks I’m causing her depression.
She says that I destroy any moment of happiness she has:l. For context, she and I were having banter over messages as she’s away at the moment and I said something which she perceived as a taunt.
And then she said that I was causing her depression.
That’s knocked me tonight: I didn’t respond but have been trying to understand that in that case we shouldn’t be together

The conversation is needed for context.

Context : we were laughing about what someone had said . She mentioned she doesn’t talk to this person so much. I said she should and should also be in contact with other mutual friends she has with that person as they are on her wavelength intellectually and aren’t “ stupid “ like me. ( fwiw partner has a poli science degrees from Ivy Leagues and I am In a completely unrelated vocation). I guess I did taunt her as she’s called me stupid before for my political views during a heated debate as I was at that time in all honesty arguing about something I didn’t know much about!!!

Anyways if you got this far with this ridiculously petty saga, she says I always destroy her when she’s happy and laughing . Even about something silly,
I said that hurt and she then said “ well I’ve been living silently with this hurt for a few years”

I stopped messaging them before it got stupid over text

You deliberately brought up a previous argument in the middle of a non related light hearted conversation and set her mind back to a negative place. In my honest opinion her feelings are very valid. Do you make a habit of doing this and masking it as banter?

Well if you cause her depression, she shouldn't be with you so honestly if break up with her.
I think Tone matters and the Powick with text is it's hard to convey so what sounds light hearted in your head may come across as mean to her.
But regardless, she's among you for her poor mental heath. Accurste of not, I wouldn't want to be in that relationship

well I’ve been living silently with this hurt for a few years
This isn't an off the cuff retort. It sounds like she's given it some serious thought.

You sound like a passive-aggressive water torturer. I'm not surprised she's unhappy.

Fair enough @bitoffun
Oh the irony 😆

Anyways thank you for your comments
Taken on board

Sounds like she thinks you were being sarcastic, but regardless of your lack of knowledge, she shouldn't have called you stupid.

Now if you posted ss a woman...pp would have told you your DP was wrong, abusive, belittling etc to call you stupid.

Unfortunately there's a double standard on MN..so it's usually the mans fault no matter what.

With her ivy league education, she should be smart enough to figure out she should end the relationship if you are causing her depression.

I've no idea what sex the OP is.

I’m a female

I think we have both been burying our heads in the sands and so I’m grateful for the insights: neither I or her are perfect but I don’t think we are perfect for
Each other . That’s a significant remark to
Make and I don’t want to
Be a cause for someone’s illness!

It sounds like typical banter to me. You both made digs. There's obviously more going on for her though. You need to sit and talk.

Was I too harsh? I'm sorry if what I said upset you. What is behind my comment (which I wouldn't explain to a man, because I think they need to learn to do their own emotional work) is that you were referencing an old argument. This sort of behaviour is exhausting to be on the receiving end of, because you feel like you have to walk on eggshells to avoid triggering historic disagreements. It's like you can never be forgiven, and it gives you the feeling that it's impossible to bring anything up you are unhappy about, because you never know when it will be thrown in your face.

I hope you work it out, but you have to acknowledge how damaging it is to hold grudges.

Sounds like you were harbouring hurt feelings and she thought you were scoring points.

Do you want there to be a future because it all sounds exhausting.

@BitOfFun appreciate it actually. Your comment and then your name made me chuckle as I had tears then in my eyes from what she had said.

I think I’d want peace for us ..both of us..and separately if needed as I think both of us are far too old for games and unhappiness if that’s what there is: regardless I need to talk to her as a friend I think right? About her depression: I know I’m a
Pain but I think there is more going on and maybe I’ve been playing an inadvertent part to it more than I realize. I guess talking about her when she is back is best.
Thank you again. The insight is so helpful

I'm genuinely sorry. As you might gather, I have little patience for men on MN, and I made an assumption .

@bitoffun genuine question, I'm just curious. Why do you have little patience for men on mumsnet?

I'm just grouchy, Miou. I see so many useless blokes described here, and I think part of me resents men who join just to whine; I think 'LEAVE US ALONE, don't ask us to do your emotional labour for you, you are too often terrible to women!'

I'm also really seriously ill (cancer) at the moment, so my rope is shorter than usual.

Sorry to hear that BoF. Been there

@BitOfFun sorry to hear you're not well.

I give blokes on here a short shrift as well and I have no excuse 😳

@bitofFun

I think it's a bit extreme of her to say you're causing her depression, especially via text with absolutely no other context or explanation.

How long have you been together?
I'm guessing you don't live together?

Did you say "stupid" in quotation marks?

@BitOfFun I hope you get better soon