Can you ever move on from cheating?

[Doaha]

My DH cheated on me back in July on a night out. He had a one night stand with a woman, came home and told me about it straight away. In the end I forgave him, because we have a family and because I could see that he was sorry and part of it was also because he was honest with me.

However I still can't really get over it, the thoughts of him with her come into my head atleast once a day and it makes me feel sick to my stomach. I find myself getting angry at him about it atleast once a week and I bring it back up. I'm trying not to because I know I can't keep punishing him but I just can't help it.

My question is, does it ever go away? Can you ever stay together happily and really get over it? He went out on a night out over Christmas (first one since) and I sat at home worrying the majority of the time he was out, and I fucking hated it. That's not me, I'm not a paronoid person normally. He even sent me his location at one point and I rang to ask him why he did it and he said it was because he knew I'd be worried.. That's not right, I understand why he did it but it made me feel so bloody weird.

Has anyone ever been able to really put it behind them? Or am I completely wasting my time here?

What were his reasons for doing this? Drink/drugs? Or something else?

No point blank no, ex cheated on me and had cheated on his new gf just a few months into their relationship, does a leopard change its spots?

I decided to stick it out. He was honest with me, I kicked him out immediately but let him back in after a few days. He knows I only agreed to try again for the sake of our child. If we had no kids, he'd be gone.

We're almost three years down the line now. It's not as raw but it's still on my mind a lot. It still gets brought up in arguments. My self esteem is still in the toilet. I'd be lying if I said I trusted him. I don't know if I made the right choice, but I do know I didn't make a "forever" choice. When our child is grown and moved out, I imagine we'll separate.

chenilleblanket
He was drunk, but that's not an excuse and I've told him this. I have never cheated or even wanted to cheat while drunk, so it's clearly deeper.

He has said he doesn't know why, he was talking to the girl, and one think just led to another. It's clearly something he wanted to do and the alcohol just lowered his normal boundaries.. But that's just what I think. Its hard to get him to go into detail because he's ashamed of it, and to be honest I don't even want the details, it pains me even writing things out on here.

I had never expected him to do this, and although I'm glad he told me, sometimes I just wish I didn't know.

My partner cheated on me seven years ago - it was a sustained relationship. After a hiatus where we didn't speak or see each other for 7 weeks, we reconciled. We are still together now (though going through a rough patch - hence why I'm on the relationships board - though I don't think anyone is involved this time, but I'm not sure and never will be again).

From my perspective, I stayed because I still loved him and because while I didn't think we could ever have the same relationship again, I did think that we could have a good relationship and a life together that I would rather have than the life I could live alone. I will never regret that decision. It is a different relationship though; I do trust him, but that trust is qualified and I am paranoid and worried some times (for me this is when he is in situations similar to those that allowed the relationship to develop and - bizarrely - around the same time of year when it all kicked off and we had our "break").

My feeling about my situation was that it was always going to be too much to expect that the situation would end up "as good as new" but the relationship still had - and still has - value to me. Have I put it behind me? Yes, I have. Was it a huge event in my life that has fundamentally changed it? Yes, too.

I really feel for you. It's such a hard position to be in. Maybe some people get passed it and everything is fine, I know some times you get passed it but it's different and that is OK (as it is for me) and some times I guess you just have to call time.

Which ever, there will be grief and I am sorry that you are going through that. Good luck.

There are many women on here that will tell you to LTB and save yourself the heart ache. Because once a cheat always a cheat. However my DH had a lapse in judgement and I chose to stay and dear god it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It still hurts that at the time he had a blatent disregard to me. Our life and our family. And it was so easy for him to throw away on such a stupid action that could of cost HIM everything. I am 2 years in and I can honestly say that there are always going to be bumps in the road to get where you need to be. There are times you will all of a sudden be laughing with him and it will pop in to
Your head and you will just what to punch him in the throat. The fact your DH is being as transparent as he possibly can be with you will help you heal. Don’t deny him sharing things like that with you. It’s how the trust is rebuilt.

He has said he doesn't know why, he was talking to the girl, and one think just led to another

That's such utter bull.

In my experience, nope you don't get over it. Once someone stabs you in the back, you spend the rest of the time waiting for them to do it again.

I'm in a similar situation to the pp, waiting until my children are grown before I do the off. Unless I'm lucky and he dies young

The being married part of my life is over, I just focus on my kids and myself, it's actually nice just worrying about my own needs and wants rather than an overgrown man child.

Take care of yourself.

Personally no. Being betrayed by someone you trusted changes you fundamentally.
After I was cheated on it hurt me so deeply I'm no longer the trusting, easy going person I used to be.
My insecurity carried on into my next relationship and almost threatened to ruin it before I managed to finally trust again but I don't think I'll ever be the same after it.
I'm a lot more wary and I don't let my guard down easily.
I couldn't stay in a relationship based on lies and mistrust.

I ask because a similar thing happened to me, drugs related though. Like yours, my DP told me and was very remorseful/ashamed. I stayed because I wasn't in a good place myself and couldn't face ending it. 3 years later it is on my mind less but it still hurts, it comes and goes. One of the conditions of us staying together is that the wild nights out stopped because I can't trust him to go out and not take drugs and he can't trust himself. I didn't impose that on him, I told him it wasn't possible for us to have a hope of working if he was still involved in the same behaviour that led to him cheating and he made his choice by giving up. He's virtually a different man now and our relationship is good overall- however looking back I do wish I had the self respect and self esteem then to have ended it because it's caused me so much pain and distress which I could have avoided.

I think my point to you is that it will never go away but you may learn to live with it- but I think this is down to the relationship changing from how it was at the time of the cheating. It seems he's doing his best to regain your trust but it's not something he can force. He'd be better off knocking nights out on the head until it's less raw for you and you can start to trust him again. I think also unless you can choose just to bury it (which it seems you can't) maybe you need the details so you aren't agonising over what may or may not have happened. So what if he's ashamed- he owes it to you to tell you what you want to know. It's never going to be a quick fix.

Like you I never saw it coming and also sometimes wish I had never known. I really feel for you

My DH left for another woman before we got back together six months later. We are now two years down the line and, while sometimes it is incredibly hard and very painful, I don't regret the decision. Our relationship is in a much better place than it was then as we now are so aware of what we nearly lost but every now and again the pain will hit me in the face and I will never again just assume that my marriage will last forever. I am happy for him to go away and spend evenings out as I don't think that it is worth eating myself up inside. I also have no doubt that he has fallen back in love with me and did so pretty rapidly once he realised what he had thrown away.
I wish you the best of luck.

Thank you for the responses, they've made me feel a lot better. Ive been feeling so down about myself for not being able to just get it out of my head. I hate thinking about it but it just won't stop and I very often hate him for it, something that I don't want to last because I can't raise my children around that sort of conflict.

I know I made the right decision to stay, because other than this, our relationship was great. We've been together a long time and we've always gotten along so well, we've always dealt with conflict well.. But we've never had something as big as this to overcome. I just don't want to feel like this forever, and I'm really not sure I'll ever be able to trust him. I find myself wanting to look in his phone (I never actually do) and asking him who he's texting if he's on it a lot. I also feel like every good looking woman that walks past is some sort of competition, even though logically I know I'm being ridiculous. I hate it, I was never like this before and I hate feeling so insecure. And in turn it makes me hate him for making me feel like this.

Has he quit drinking then?

If he is that sorry he would ensure it never happens again considering he has zero self control.

I think everyone is different....but for me, no. My ex cheated on me with my best friend. I stupidly forgave him and cut her out of my life. I then spent the next year driving myself crazy...to the point that if he went to the shop I’d check the time on the till receipt and then work out how long it would have taken him to get home...if it was a minute or 2 longer than I’d expected then I’d convince myself he’d met up with someone or called another woman. I was on edge constantly and made myself miserable. It came to an end when he left me for someone he’d be seeing behind my back for 3 months.

I would never want to feel like that again.

MashedSpud
He's never been a big drinker to begin with, once or twice a year. He's been out once since it happened, with friends that I am very close to and trust. He had a few drinks that night but was home and all by around 11.30. I haven't asked him to quit drinking, because I don't blame the alcohol, I blame him

Agree with @MashedSpud.

It sounds like you've been more than accommodating too, maybe it's time to make it clear to him that he should be doing his damnedest to make you feel comfortable. Texting another woman was nothing to do with my experience but I've still been paranoid he might be doing something 'worse' than before, just because the trust isn't there anymore. I can look at my DPs phone whenever I want and as a consequence I rarely do. It's things like that which will prove to you how much he's willing to give to help you get past it. And he has to let you be angry at him.

Don't feel like you can't ask for things like this and for him not to go out drinking at the moment if it makes you uncomfortable. No one wants to feel like they're being controlling in a relationship but in circumstances like this it allows trust to be rebuilt.

It takes a long time to get over something like this.

In his favour he told you about it immediately rather than you finding out

On the one hand I want to say LTB. But in your situation I would probably do the same as you - especially as there are kids involved.

Could the two of you go to couple councilling to try to find ways to move through this? One thing is sure is if it keeps eating you up forever then staying isn't best for you.

Good luck.

I don’t think it matters how long you’ve been together even if you have children. Once the trust has been broken, what replaces it won’t ever be the same.

I initially thought our 12 years together meant something, it would be a waste to throw those years away etc. but that’s just foolish thinking. It took me over a year to realise I’d never get over it.

I broke up with my ex and 20 years later, it was definitely the best outcome. I’m so much happier now than I could have imagined in my wildest dreams, living in another country and having a wonderful family.

Don’t stay just because you fear the unknown!

chenilleblanket
I can look in his phone whenever, I don't because I know deep down there's nothing on it and I also feel like if I start doing that then there really is no point. He allows be to be angry and any time I bring it up he just says how sorry it is. None of that helps because I don't care if he's sorry, I'm just so incredibly hurt because I know I'd never in a million years have done this to him or my kids, and I still wouldn't.

I couldn't. I tried for three years but I couldn't work past it. The biggest thing was his apparent capacity for deceit and I lost all respect for him

I'm a believer that people can change if they really want to, if they make an effort to seek the help they need e.g..couples counselling to help the relationship recover or cutting down on his alcohol intake. But if you are to move forward, you can't keep bringing it up or you'll both never heal from it. You'll just end up bitter by it all by throwing it in his face every time you fall out.

You won't get over it. You will remember it every day

A friend forgave her husband but after 5 years of feeling like you do, she gave up and left. He was gutted as he had tried but she said she couldn't do it any more and just wished they had separated at the time

I wouldn't hesitate to leave

I couldn't no.
I think I tried for about a day and knew I would never feel the same about him again.
Cheating is a deal breaker for some (me), but not necessarily for others.
I totally believe that trying to forgive and overcome it is the far harder and far far longer path to go down.
It's not been that long OP.
Are you having counselling? On your own?
Are you having joint counselling?
I suggest you read together the book 'Not Just Friends' by Shirley Glass.

It will take you minimum a year to come to terms with this in any way.
That is something he needs to understand.
He also needs to answer all of your questions, when ever they are asked, openly and honestly!
Does he do that?
I do admire anyone who can overcome this.
I know I couldn't!

I don't know. My experience was that I tried really hard, but I never could get to the point of trusting him again (because he'd do something else - not as bad but enough to shake me). Maybe if he'd been a better man.

At one stage, tho, I'd have been all "it made us stronger" blah blah and I thought we were going to make it, but it was never the same, and he did cheat again.