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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How would you feel if someone were dating did this?

75 replies

LucieLoos2 · 27/01/2020 11:12

Met someone just before Christmas, seen each other once a week ish since then. Not done the deed but have stayed over a couple of times. He’s not much of a texter (though is online a lot!).

He went on holiday last Thursday, he’s due back this Thursday and I haven’t heard from him. I saw him the day before he went away and as he usually says, he said he had a great time and was looking forward to seeing me again.

I feel hurt and annoyed if I’m honest that I’ve not heard from him! He’s away with friends but they are all coupled up, probably drinking most nights but it’s not like he’s 25 and going out raving all hours (as far as I know!). I know I could contact him but I felt like he should speak to me rather than me interrupt his trip. If he had contacted me I would have felt comfortable maybe initiating a text on a different day. Not sure what to think?!

OP posts:

anotherdisaster · 27/01/2020 13:41

I think these days people overthink things to such extremes that we are all second guessing the slightest thing. Has it occurred to you that he might be thinking "if I text her when I'm on holiday she will think i'm too keen" or he could be deliberately trying to play it cool at the beginning.
Sending him a message after 4 whole days just saying "hey, hope you're having a great time" is hardly chasing him is it?
Believe me, if he's not that interested you will know soon enough because he will either not reply at all or will be generic with his response.

WellHolyGodMiley · 27/01/2020 13:43

Do your own thing and dont give more than you are getting from him.

SimonJT · 27/01/2020 14:15

It’s very early days, you barely know each other.

I went away when we had been together about seven months, I sent a message saying we had arrived safely and that was it. He went on away over xmas, he did the same and we caught up when he got back. He’d gone away to spend time with his family, not to spend it on the phone to me.

TheStuffedPenguin · 27/01/2020 14:19

So you have seen him about 5 times then if once a week ?

Original poster

LucieLoos2 · 27/01/2020 14:25

I think we’ve met 6 times and stayed at each other’s place two times. So yes it’s very early!

It’s more the fact that I hear from him now and then in the week (not for a big chat just a couple of messages), then he goes away and nothing.

OP posts:

SidsWife · 27/01/2020 14:29

It wouldn’t even occur to me to message you if that was me tbh. I’d actually think it was really weird if someone was on holiday with friends and was messaging me.

CousinKrispy · 27/01/2020 16:19

If he's only messaging you a couple of times in the week on a regular week, then I wouldn't expect him to message you during a 1-week holiday when he's in holiday mode.

It doesn't necessarily mean he's not thinking of you or not keen. (Or that he is.)

You just don't know until you talk to him about it.

Newmum2000 · 27/01/2020 16:37

I think that after a handful of dates and texts if he doesn’t text you within 4 days of his holiday you say this makes you feel shitty and like you’ve been used, this doesn’t say “here’s a person who’s relaxed about dating” .
Like lots of others have said, it’s far too early to call. Yes there is a chance that he’s “not that into you” but then there’s a big chance that he’s is, but is just more relaxed about these things than you are (at the start of a relationship at least). I really would wait and see how things turn out over the next few weeks before jumping to any conclusions. Best of luck X

Badtasteflump · 27/01/2020 16:37

Easy to say, I know, but try not to over think the situation. You're still very casual & in the early stages and your expectations of how much contact is 'normal' may just be different to his. I don't think you should feel 'used' either - used for what, I'm wondering, tbh.... Just try to relax and not keep mulling over the ifs or buts. In your position I wouldn't contact him, just keep yourself busy (ie, not thinking about him!) and see if he gets in touch. If he does it's all good, just relax and see where it goes. If he doesn't, it's his loss. It's an oldie but it's true - if he wants you, he will make sure he lets you know it!

Original poster

LucieLoos2 · 27/01/2020 16:45

I’m used to people texting me a lot when interested so I think such minimal contact automatically makes me think that means not interested.

I haven’t got the best feeling about it so that’s probably a sign in itself

OP posts:

Talkingmouse · 27/01/2020 16:58

Have you got plans to meet when he gets back? Who usually does the arranging/suggesting? It sounds like neither of you are into the other enough tbh

WheresMyChocolate · 27/01/2020 17:04

Try not to worry about it. I could have written the same OP when I first met my DH. He went away for a week, although it was work, and I didn't hear a peep out of him. I still don't when he's away. But we've been together for 25 years and I know he's absolutely devoted to me and always has been.

So give him a chance. Sometimes the nice ones are the quiet ones.

Original poster

LucieLoos2 · 27/01/2020 17:08

He usually arranges the next time very soon after we’ve spent the day together, or even during that day.

It’s totally unheard of as far as I’m concerned for someone not to message for days if they like you. I really like him though (if that’s not already clear haha) and if I knew he felt the same then this silence wouldn’t actually bother me at all. It’s the not knowing that is frustrating as I feel confused and not sure how to feel...can I be excited about seeing him or is he just never going to message again?!

OP posts:

Fidgety31 · 27/01/2020 17:37

OP - why do you expect him to do all the chasing.
You sound quite hard work .
If you like him - message him . It’s that simple . No need for games

RantyAnty · 27/01/2020 21:07

This is silly. You're pining over someone you've dated a few times.
Go on some more dates with people. Live your life instead of waiting by the phone. You're way overinvested.

altiara · 27/01/2020 22:04

It’s only a week, let him have his holiday. No point getting het up, deciding it’s over and he comes back keen to see you.

Robin2323 · 27/01/2020 22:23

This is dating.
You just have to sit on your hands.
But give him chance ti miss you ......

Nothavingfunrightnow · 28/01/2020 09:07

He's not that into you, I'm afraid

Original poster

LucieLoos2 · 28/01/2020 11:31

Well. He text this morning. Photo of him on the beach, asked how my week was going.

He’s back Thursday. No mention of when we will next meet but I’m glad I didn’t contact him first.

OP posts:

gamerchick · 28/01/2020 11:41

So all that agonising for nothing then? You need to stop the game playing OP, the poor sod won't win. He has nothing to prove to you. If you want to get in contact then get in contact. It's like you want him to put more work in than you.

Original poster

LucieLoos2 · 28/01/2020 11:44

I wouldn’t want to message someone when they’re on holiday in this context

OP posts:

PuzzledandPuzzling · 28/01/2020 16:03

I am in a similar situation - however I have been seeing him once a week for several months and dtd. He is away for a couple of weeks - had 1 text 24 hours after arriving to say he had got there safely and then nothing. I did WA him and he eventually replied - blaming internet connections - I could see that my message wasn't delivered for 36 hours and he hasn't been on it much. However I think when he returns I will be saying goodbye.

HuskyloverI · 29/01/2020 14:05

However I think when he returns I will be saying goodbye

Absolutely Batshit.

Notcoolmum · 29/01/2020 14:22

I agree with your gut reaction OP. If he was in to you he'd have texted you much earlier than towards the end of his holiday. And I agree it was for him to text given he's gone away. I wouldn't want to text someone when they were away if they hadn't set the tone that was ok. I did the same when I went away this summer. I texted my date to let them know I'd arrived and sent them the odd photo.

I'm curious at sleepovers and not dtd though. Is there a huge difference between being intimate and dtd?!

okiedokieme · 29/01/2020 14:23

Ok he's not on holiday but work trips, but my man (of 3 months) texts when he has a moment, airports etc. He also calls when he can, though flights and meetings mean it's not always possible

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