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Original poster

Engaged for 8 years, I don't think we're ever getting married

43 replies

redbluefish · 27/01/2020 08:51

DP proposed over 8 years ago now in 2011, our oldest had just turned one at the time. We then had our second child the following year and after she was born we set a date for 2014. It was far enough away that we had more than enough time to plan and we didn't rush into anything. We then got to about 8 months before the date, around when we agreed we would properly get into planning and arranging everything but we decided there was too much going on at the time and we could wait a bit longer for a better time and we might be able to afford more then too. It seemed fine at the time because I thought we would only push it back a year or two but it's been 5 years now. We've talked back and forth about getting married but never really got anywhere, it's always been now isn't the right time. I eventually came to the conclusion that there is never going to be a "right time" and we needed to properly sit down and talk about it, so we did and DP said he felt like there wasn't much point getting married at this point, we already have two children and live like a married couple would. I understand what he's saying but it has upset and annoyed me because he knows I want a wedding, I don't want anything too over the top but it would just be nice to bring our families together for a day, have our daughter's involved and be able to say we're married, he shouldn't have proposed if he didn't want to get married.

OP posts:
funmummy48 · 27/01/2020 08:55

Book a registry office, but a dress, book a room in a pub for a small reception, have close family to the ceremony and pub, then have a buffet and drinks at home for friends in the evening. Have a wonderful day, very little stress and a happy ever after. All sorted! (It's what we did and it was fab)

GiveHerHellFromUs · 27/01/2020 08:57

What did he say when you said "I understand what you're saying but I still want to get married"? Because he can either say "ok we'll get married" or "tough we're not getting married".

Doggybiccys · 27/01/2020 08:59

Marriage is more than a piece of paper. It protects you if things go Pete Tong. Tell him it is very important to you and it has to happen. If it’s not a money issue or because you want a big extravagant do and he doesn’t, then I’d be questioning why he won’t do it. Stress that the wedding will be planned according to both your wants/dont wants. Remind him he proposed and is now changing the goal posts. Unless there’s some back story, it sounds like he just can’t be arsed which is not a good enough reason not to.

Original poster
redbluefish · 27/01/2020 09:00

He stuck to what he first said, that were wasn't much point to it

OP posts:
Doggybiccys · 27/01/2020 09:05

Point out there is - my friends dad got married to her step mum after being together 30 years for pension related reasons. There’s been stories on here where a woman wasn’t considered her partners next of kin when he took unwell even though they’d lived together as a couple for years -, his parents made the decisions. Google the legal type benefits marriage provides for both of you.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 27/01/2020 09:05

Ask him how he'd feel if you fell ill and the hospital wouldn't let him visit/give him any information over the phone/let him make any vital decisions because he's not your next of kin.

Is the house in both your names? What happens if one of you dies prematurely with pensions/death in service benefits - are you each other's beneficiaries?

Does he want legal battles with your parents if the worst was to happen?

3rdchristmaslucky · 27/01/2020 09:07

Go the route of death then.
My father passed last March. It was a nightmare for my mother going to various places to get all his ducks in a row (pensions, life insurance, bank accounts, savings etc).
But it was a hell of a lot easier because they were married.

You have two children. The point of marriage is that your relationship is recognised by law and that, should something happen to either of you, you will be able to move things along at a comfortable place for your family.

That's a great argument for why there is a point to getting married.

For the wedding itself, just plan it alone and then present it to him. All the work is done, we just need to pay and press go. Like PP said, book a registry office, by a dress, book a pub room. Do it small.

Explain to him that being married means something to you. That you want his name (if you do) and a ring to show your commitment.

Doggybiccys · 27/01/2020 09:08

I feel quite strongly about this having read on here of so many women (mainly) getting shafted by their “D”Ps and having no protection through marriage.

Costacoffeeplease · 27/01/2020 09:09

Do you have wills, finances sorted, home ownership or rental in both names? Does he realise you’re not next of kin so couldn’t make medical decisions for each other?

Just saying, we live as if we’re married isn’t enough if you don’t have the legal rights and protections that marriage affords

Swatsup · 27/01/2020 09:11

Do you want to be married or do you want the wedding day/party? Being married involves a quick 30 minute appointment at the local registry office.

InfiniteSheldon · 27/01/2020 09:15

Sit him down again and say I've been considering what you said about there's not much point in getting married as we already act like we are and I'm afraid that just isn't working for me I feel devastated and like there's not much point going on if we're not going to get married. So I'd like to set a date and stick to it. If you don't feel that I'm someone you don't want to marry me anymore then I would rather know that now.

I would want to know if he doesn't want to get married (too much hassle/cost/cba) therefore putting his feelings before mine. Or if if he doesn't want to marry me in which case it would be over.

ToastandCheese · 27/01/2020 09:17

Legally there is quite a lot of point to it.

Winter2020 · 27/01/2020 09:18

Do you have a will? If you don’t when one of you dies their worldly goods (including property unless you have a mortgage with a joint tenancy) will be expected to go automatically to their next of kin (which won’t be their cohabiting partner).

user163578742 · 27/01/2020 09:21

Do either of you understand the legal implications of marrying? Or are you both looking at it as an expensive party?

AnuvvaMuvva · 27/01/2020 09:23

Those chats you had back in 2013/14 where "we" agreed to delay, save up, push back, etc. Was it a "we" decision or actually a "he" decision?

He says you're already living like a married couple. Really that's a reason TO get married (as you've proved you're a compatible team), not to NOT get married. If it were a reason not to get married, I'd feel that he's realised there are things about the relationship he doesn't want to commit to, legally and financially, long-term.

Living together and having kids before marriage often goes this way. Women feel it's a step towards marriage, but it can be a very definite step AWAY from it.

Time for you to stick up for himself. The audition is over. He either commits, or you'll take the children and leave, and he can be a weekend dad.

AnuvvaMuvva · 27/01/2020 09:24

*yourself! Not himself.

ChuckleBuckles · 27/01/2020 09:38

He stuck to what he first said, that were wasn't much point to it

This man sees "no point" in legally protecting his children and partner in the event that something unexpected happens to him? What are the benefits to you living with him and acting as a spouse to him? Would you be better off financially going it alone and building assets for yourself and the DC long term because as things stand he gets all the home comforts of married life and none of the responsibilities legally, he can walk away at any time with no financial or legal responsibility to you.

elizalovelace · 27/01/2020 09:43

You can have a beautiful wedding day on a smaller budget, or just a cheap quickie type of marriage ceremony if finances are his problem with his lack of enthusiasm.

Or has he now decided he doesn't want to marry you? This is what you need to know. Ask him for the truth of his feelings, if its because he is reluctant to spend a small fortune on one day, then listen to him and ask for a budget and you can start to organise a gorgeous wedding around that figure. If however he still isnt keen on marrying you, well then there is your answer and you have to decide what you want to do with the information.

SHAR0N · 27/01/2020 09:43

The point is that it’s legal protection for the person who earns less, has a smaller pension and has taken the career hit to care for the children.

I’m guessing that’s you.

Mandarinfish · 27/01/2020 09:44

When he says he doesn't think there's much point, does he mean he's not that bothered either way, or that he actively doesn't want to? If it's the former, tell him that he may not feel strongly about it but you do, and go ahead with the plans.

If he actively doesn't want to get married then obviously you can't force him. But he needs to be honest about it, and take responsibility for leading you on for the last 8 years.

Overthinker1988 · 27/01/2020 10:12

In my line of work I recently had a case where a woman was in a similar situation...she'd lived with her partner for many years, they had children, but he wouldn't marry her. The house was in his name, she's paid towards the mortgage and invested money in home improvements. She'd also given up her career to care for the children. When the relationship went pear shaped she got nothing, the house was his, he got to continue his life as normal, she was skint.
Push for the marriage to happen, if he still says no then maybe you need to re-assess the relationship.

AlexaAmbidextra · 27/01/2020 11:42

So many women on here in this situation. The thing is, why would he need to get married? He has everything already. He has you, the house, the children, presumably a comfortable lifestyle. I don’t know if you work outside the home but if you don’t or if you’re part-time or in a lower earning situation then you’re the one who’s vulnerable without marriage, not him.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 27/01/2020 12:46

Has this got anything to do with the family home being in his name only?