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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Engaged for 8 years, I don't think we're ever getting married

43 replies

redbluefish · 27/01/2020 08:51

DP proposed over 8 years ago now in 2011, our oldest had just turned one at the time. We then had our second child the following year and after she was born we set a date for 2014. It was far enough away that we had more than enough time to plan and we didn't rush into anything. We then got to about 8 months before the date, around when we agreed we would properly get into planning and arranging everything but we decided there was too much going on at the time and we could wait a bit longer for a better time and we might be able to afford more then too. It seemed fine at the time because I thought we would only push it back a year or two but it's been 5 years now. We've talked back and forth about getting married but never really got anywhere, it's always been now isn't the right time. I eventually came to the conclusion that there is never going to be a "right time" and we needed to properly sit down and talk about it, so we did and DP said he felt like there wasn't much point getting married at this point, we already have two children and live like a married couple would. I understand what he's saying but it has upset and annoyed me because he knows I want a wedding, I don't want anything too over the top but it would just be nice to bring our families together for a day, have our daughter's involved and be able to say we're married, he shouldn't have proposed if he didn't want to get married.

OP posts:

Oblomov20 · 27/01/2020 12:50

You know he doesn't want to. And that hurts deeply, but you cant face it. You aren't ready to.

I too would find this very hurtful. But I never would have given him the opportunity to do this to me.

The truth is, its pretty obvious early on if someone wants to get married.

TopOftheNaughtyList · 27/01/2020 13:08

You're not living as a married couple though, you're living as a co-habiting couple. Marriage gives you legal and financial protections. You will be each other's next of kin. All of you will share the same surname. I'd use some of the links pp have provided to gather some facts and present it back to him and explain to him how important it is to you to be married. His reaction to the facts should tell you everything you need to know.

Somanysocks · 27/01/2020 13:24

Well you put the cart before the horse so perhaps if marriage was so important you should have insisted before children arrived.

ScreamingLadySutch · 27/01/2020 13:34

Just book it.

Just do it.

Then, he can embarrass his family by not turning up. If he doesn't turn up, then it clearly is a much bigger deal that he is saying.

You have to call the bluff OP, instead of being upset.

If there is anything I have learned, going along with their agenda and then whining about it

is about the most powerless thing a woman can do.

'I hear what you say, but I am continuing with my decision' is respectful but full of power.

TwentyViginti · 27/01/2020 13:50

He's saying you're good enough to live with and breed with, but not good enough for the legal and financial protection of marriage.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/01/2020 13:57

It's not that he doesn't see the "point", he doesn't want the commitment. He knows full well that if you aren't married, he can fuck off anytime he wants with no financial consequences. I would be very wary of him, personally.

LemonPrism · 27/01/2020 16:06

So tell him that the point is so you don't get upset and resentful and that he doesn't care about your feelings enough... tel him that if he so clearly doesn't want to marry you then maybe you'll have to take it as a sign that he wants to split up.

See what he says

Fifthtimelucky · 27/01/2020 16:25

He can't see any point in getting married because he is already benefiting from a live in partner and children. Like many other people he may think that you are his 'common law' wife and therefore have the same legal protections as a real wife.

You say that you want a wedding so that you can have a party to bring your families together. I can understand why he may think that is a bit pointless.

You need to explain that there is a point to being married. Other posters have already set some out and provided helpful links. He needs to understand that marriage will make a real difference. If he's a decent bloke he will be surprised and immediately agree to get married. If he still refuses, at least you will know where you stand.

Personally I would concentrate on the legal aspects and would plan a very low key register office wedding and not worry about having a party.

BeyondMyWits · 27/01/2020 16:30

"I want to get married, do you care what I want?"

BumbleBeee69 · 27/01/2020 16:40

Did you give the Children HIS surname OP ?

Modestandatinybitsexy · 27/01/2020 17:10

Plan it all and send him an invite along with everyone else?

FizzyGreenWater · 27/01/2020 17:12

Ultimatum time - marriage or you're done and he can start the weekend dad routine.

He doesn't want to get married because he knows damn well what the point is - to protect you financially. If you break up, he wants to keep as much as possible.

Let me guess, the kids already have his surname!

ItIsAllChange · 27/01/2020 17:15

I’d give him an ultimatum about marriage (by which I mean a cheap, quick ceremony at the Register Office). If a wedding is important to you, then tell him the date and plan it.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 27/01/2020 18:21

Why is it that everyone has been willing to inform OP of the legal implications but then insist he's not doing it because of those implications. Why can't we just give him the same benefit of the doubt we've given to OP and assume that he just hadn't thought about these things rather than try and convince her he doesn't love her or whatever else?

Alsoco · 27/01/2020 18:24

We were a bit like this. After 7 years just booked a registry office, done in 15 minutes!

LexMitior · 27/01/2020 19:58

This man should put up or shut up. You can’t get engaged and then do nothing. You are being taken advantage of - good enough to make babies but not get married? No. Don’t settle for it.

The bottom line is that if he left you tomorrow both you and your children would struggle. Marriage protects your children - not just romantic - very important. If he doesn’t recognise this then you will have to think properly as to the future.

Windmillwhirl · 27/01/2020 20:08

I agree with this. The point is you want to get married, so there is a point.

I also would be wary. There's a reason he isn't doing what he knows would make you happy.

RebelWithVerySharpClaws · 27/01/2020 20:15

Tell him you urgently need to be married to protect you and DCs in the event of his sudden sad demise. ALS0 - what a waste of a fucking pension. Don't be coy about it OP, its not you wanting some romantic commitment, its about your family's financial security. Tell him straight and don't take any bloody nonsense.

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