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Original poster

Sex and no orgasm

45 replies

Sunflowernet · 26/01/2020 21:41

Hi,

I will keep this short as don't want to go into too much detail.

When with a long term partner, do other women sometimes just wait for their man to 'just finish' when you know you're not going to orgasm?

As in wait for it to be over?
Cos it's easier then them stopping (cos you've had enough) and then coming back later cos they haven't 'finished '?

I realise that does look awful written down Confused

OP posts:
Menora · 26/01/2020 21:52

I would usually do something to make it hurry along or just tell them to finish. It would depend on other factors though, if it is always awful and goes on too long, if you even want to do it in the first place, whether you never get to orgasm
I don’t mind once in a while going on a bit longer

mamato3lads · 26/01/2020 22:07

Well not "wait" for it to be over! I enjoy it but know I wont cum

Original poster
Sunflowernet · 26/01/2020 22:10

I prob phrased that wrongly.
I meant more if you're not enjoying it anymore either.

OP posts:
Menora · 26/01/2020 22:23

I would say something and suggest another way to help finish them off

Heartburn888 · 26/01/2020 22:24

Id be asking if they are ‘nearly there’ and if the answer is no then I’d be asking to stop if it’s not enjoyable and/or getting sore.

Interestedwoman · 26/01/2020 22:32

'As in wait for it to be over?
Cos it's easier then them stopping (cos you've had enough) and then coming back later cos they haven't 'finished '?

I realise that does look awful written down'

@Sunflowernet it is awful for you. Are you saying that if you ask him to stop, he just tries again later? After you've already said you' don't want it? That's sexual coercion/assault or rape :( xxx

3rdchristmaslucky · 26/01/2020 22:33

I honestly just tell him I'm not feeling it and it's all for him. Then he stops trying to get me off and gets off me faster 😂

Barbararara · 26/01/2020 22:38

There’s more than one way of finishing.

Original poster
Sunflowernet · 26/01/2020 22:43

@Interestedwoman he always , always stops if I want but I know he will try again later if he hasn't finished but by that point I think well what about my orgasm? How dare he be so selfish? And I have no enthusiasm cos it seems quite one sided.
I think it's more a trigger for me cos I was in sexually abusive relationship a few years ago(which he does know) so sometimes, not always, I freeze
And give the impression it's ok for him to finish( while I freeze)
And then I hate myself afterwards cos the feelings of brings up in me.

OP posts:
Menora · 26/01/2020 22:47

It is really hard to tell if this is a deeper issue than just poor communication

There are so many ways to have sex there isn’t just 1 way. Can you talk to him? Can you have an orgasm first and then him after? Can you do more foreplay?

You feel it’s one sided so he sounds like a selfish lover

melissa1215 · 26/01/2020 22:49

If I wasn't enjoying it I'd tell them, no point lying there being poked repeatedly if I'm not getting any pleasure out of it. That said, I'd want my DH to finish and enjoy it, sometimes we have stopped and I've helped him along, without him feeling like I didn't enjoy it.

MyFamilyAndOtherAnimals1 · 26/01/2020 22:52

I highly recommend watching Carly Rowena''s 'sexy series' on YouTube OP. She has some really good points on there - like sex isn't about the end, but about enjoying the journey - and also lots more practical suggestions

Happygirl79 · 26/01/2020 22:53

Whats wrong with his hands?

Original poster
Sunflowernet · 26/01/2020 22:54

@Menora yes we have talked before and it can be amazing with us.
But sometimes, not often, t seems all for him and I'm back in that 'freeze' to survive moment.
(And yes I've had support with my abusive past relationship)
Is that what it's like with most guys?

OP posts:
Interestedwoman · 26/01/2020 22:55

'he always , always stops if I want but I know he will try again later if he hasn't finished'

But he already knows you don't want it when he tries again. You told him so earlier. x But he still tries even though you've said no :(

It is an attempt at sexual coercion at the very least. 'Nagging.'

't I think well what about my orgasm? How dare he be so selfish? And I have no enthusiasm cos it seems quite one sided.
I think it's more a trigger for me cos I was in sexually abusive relationship a few years ago(which he does know) so sometimes, not always, I freeze
And give the impression it's ok for him to finish( while I freeze)
And then I hate myself afterwards cos the feelings of brings up in me.'

Don't hate yourself- it's his fault and the fault of the bastards that did this to you in the past. Have you explained to him how it all makes you feel?

DecemberSnow · 26/01/2020 22:56

Indeed.....

These men maybe need to use there hands

Interestedwoman · 26/01/2020 22:58

I think you need to tell him how his behaviour effects you. If you've told him and he keeps doing it, that's not ok. xxx

SinglePringle · 26/01/2020 22:59

I have only had one relationship that was sexually unsatisfying / where he was sexually selfish. I finished it pretty quickly when I realised he didn’t care about my orgasm. I’ve had PIV orgasms with every other man I’ve been with in a relationship.

You don’t have to stay with selfish men who hassle you for sex and make you angry.

Original poster
Sunflowernet · 26/01/2020 23:04

It makes me sad.
And awful that despite all my hard work with myself/therapy , I lie there. I go into protective mode.
It's not always like this, he's very attentive and loving. And if i don't say anything how does he know?
It's so difficult to ever escape flashbacks when it's happened before in the past.

OP posts:
Interestedwoman · 26/01/2020 23:08

'And awful that despite all my hard work with myself/therapy , I lie there. I go into protective mode.'

I'm not an expert but to me this is a sign that on one level you know what he's doing is not ok.

'It's not always like this, he's very attentive and loving. And if i don't say anything how does he know?'

You say he knows enough to be able to give you good sex sometimes, by making an effort etc.

Let him know what you don't like and how it truly makes you feel- if he's a good guy, he'll be horrified.

But the coming back and pestering you when he knows you're not in the mood is pretty bad, you know.

Original poster
Sunflowernet · 26/01/2020 23:12

@Interestedwoman yep I think I do that's why I'm crying about it now.

OP posts:
SinglePringle · 26/01/2020 23:33

I probably seemed harsh OP so apologies in light of your updates.

Talk to him. And maybe think about finding / revisiting your counsellor.

user1481840227 · 26/01/2020 23:50

I would be very reluctant to call it sexual coercion without knowing how you have discussed this with him.

Have you ever told him that if you want him to stop at a certain moment that that means that you don't want him to initiate later that day? If not then he might simply think maybe later that evening you are in fact in the mood. If you have told him then he obviously shouldn't be asking again.

I think in the average persons sex life it's common that some sessions are about both partners reaching orgasm, whereas in others it's more about his pleasure or more about her pleasure.

It sounds like it's a trigger for you when it feels like he is just focused on his own pleasure, and not yours, is that correct?

If so then have you had a discussion with him to explain that to him clearly?

Thestrangestthing · 26/01/2020 23:55

I think you need to leave this man.

Opentooffers · 27/01/2020 00:23

Is this concentrating too much on PIV to orgasm? Neither men nor women need PIV to do it as there are many other ways. So are you wishing to stop PIV, or are you wanting to stop all sexual activities? Would other things be ok for you to do to get him over the line so he doesn't need more later. Also, indeed, what about your orgasm? I hope he does other things than just PIV to satisfy you. I'd say, woman coming first makes for a considerate lover, though if you just find it's not going to happen on a night, and it's not through lack of effort, still is a buzz to get your partner there as it's nice to give in a loving relationship so it's not a case of I've not had one so you must stop because you can't have one either.