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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can't leave my baby

35 replies

Charlster77 · 31/08/2007 18:26

Has anyone else had problems leaving their baby with anyone else? My son is 5 weeks old and I have only managed to leave him for a total of 30 minutes since he was born. I feel awful as I panic even if I leave him with my husband who I know is the safest person for him to be left with. I got really upset the other day when my husband walked to shop with our son in his pram. I spent the whole time crying and dreading the worst. It is really annoying me as Im not usually like this and before I had him, was a VERY reational person!

OP posts:
Paddlechick666 · 31/08/2007 18:30

in a bit of a rush as it's bathtime but wanted to say i don't think you're being irrational or abnormal at all.

it was months before i left my dd with anyone for any length of time.

don't be too hard on yourself, your ds is only 5 weeks and you're just responding as a good mummy.

congratulations and enjoy!

3sEnough · 31/08/2007 18:31

Totally normal.....now though I'd jump at the chance (they're 7, 4 and 2!!)

Paddlechick666 · 31/08/2007 18:31

ps: don't forget that you're still all over the place hormonally.

Clayhead · 31/08/2007 18:33

Months for me too. Enjoy your 5 week old and don't worry!

Mine are 4 and 5 now and I wish I'd enjoyed them more as tiny babies and fretted less .

EscapeFrom · 31/08/2007 18:35

Now I thought, after having my first, that I was going mad. I am also very rational, but for a long time after having ds1, I wouldn't leave him in the room on his own, and used to cook up desperate scenarios in my head about how if I flung myself into the path of oncomeing traffic, I would manage to deflect it enough and stop any shrapnel landing in the pram etc.

My dp was not allowed to cross the road while pushing the pushchair. Only I was allowed to cross the road. and it took me until the road was entirely clear.

MOST people feel uncomfortable leaving their baby with someone else when they are young. Your rational side knows baby is fine, but instinct doesn't. A first time new mother's protective instinct is on constant red alert all the time. It will settle down. make your husband realise that for now he has to live with it, but if it persists past6 the first few months, and still makes you cry, or if you start worrying all the time and obsessing about bad stuff, it's time to talk to your HV.

Hope that helps you out a bit - you're not a freak, you are normal.

crokky · 31/08/2007 18:42

Charlster77: I would say it is very normal to feel like this about a 5 week old baby so please don't worry about it. He has been living inside you for 9 months!! I doubt he wants to leave you either. If you build up slowly with trusted people such as your husband and do it at your own pace, it will be fine. Do not build up just for the sake of it, I would say if there is something that you really wanted to do for half an hour or an hour, try to leave DS with DH. If not, then stay with DS and enjoy him. Your hormones and instincts are protecting your baby and people are able to/want to leave their babies at widely varying stages.

WinkyWinkola · 31/08/2007 19:21

God no. I didn't leave my babies until they were six months at the very earliest. And then it was only to get my hair done. Don't worry. You and your baby are meant to be together. It's like a primal need!

aloha · 31/08/2007 19:25

It's natural to feel strongly attached to your baby and want to be with him. Mammals don't just have their young and wander off. We are made, sometimes to feel that we are being 'silly' or 'clingy' or even unsisterly if we go with our instincts.
I would say, however, that it may be very helpful for you and your relationship to trust your husband with the baby, both for his sake and for your own - you may well need a break soon.
Also, if you find yourself crying and having morbid thoughts a lot, that can be a sign that you may be a bit depressed.

Original poster
Charlster77 · 31/08/2007 19:30

Thanks everyone. I feel LOADS better now and a lot less guilty. I am going to embrace my time with my baby but take short times out when Im good and ready!!

OP posts:
sfxmum · 31/08/2007 19:47

oh this is so normal
I remember being practically pushed out of the door by dh so I could go for a short walk when dd was about 9wks.

when she was around 5 months old dh took her out and was away for 6hrs to visit friends. I had been out to hairdressers but rushed home and could not relax at all until they got home
he had taken expressed milk but I thought she might be starving all very rational

tigereyes1817 · 31/08/2007 19:57

You are very normal. I am still like that now and mine are 4 5 6 years old.

PigeonPie · 31/08/2007 20:01

You're completely normal. DS is 21 mo now and I still haven't left him overnight - in my defence, he has only just finished bf - but I still can't quite bring myself to do it and in a few months time it'll start all over again .

Enjoy it while you can

fillyjonk · 31/08/2007 20:04

FIVE WEEKS?

This ISN'T a problem

Its an evolutionary survival tactic.

The only thing I'd say is that, unless your dp is giving you cause for concern (post on here if you need to get this in perspective) then I think you do need to try to let him take the baby out. Or at least, go out with him but let him be the one in charge.

I do think that this is very important. We are evolved for mothers to virtually entirely look after babies but that isn't the society we live in. It isn't the society I WANT to live in. If you can, encourage him now and it will pay off down the line. If you can't, at least do be honest with him.

fillyjonk · 31/08/2007 20:05

I am, btw, saying this about your dp only

NO ONE else needs this bond so for no one else should you push out the emotional boat here.

berolina · 31/08/2007 20:08

second filly's post absolutely. 5 weeks is very young, and nobody should make you feel like you 'should' be leaving babies (of any age IMO), but at some point you will need to gently let go wrt dh.

I'll confess that ds, who is 2.3 years (yes, years) old, has never been alone with anyone apart from dh and myself - this arose more due to circumstances (until very recently no family and no close friends nearby, now near ILs but they are sadly not really trustable to have ds, simply haven't got round to leaving him with friends/his godmother yet). He is happy to go off and play with others, e.g. when we have visitors or at his godmother's, when we are in the house, and tbh I don't think it will be aproblem leaving him when we finally do, as he is so very secure in himself.

geekymummy · 31/08/2007 20:31

Wanted to chime in here, you're not being silly! My DD is nearly 6 months old and I left her witn her Nana the other week for a whole 4 hours! And I couldn't wait to get back to her

Amethyst8 · 01/09/2007 18:11

My DD is 11 months old and I have not left her for more than two hours in that time and she was ASLEEP when I did. 5 weeks is very young. I don t think you are silly at all. As far as I am concerned there will be too much time apart when she is older. My four year old loves going to his Grand parents overnight and I really miss him but I know thats how its going to be now so I will make the most of my time when my kids are tiny. If I'm not ready and shes not ready then I'll wait till we are. Have had a few lectures from family members about "needing time for myself". Well I waited a long time for my kids and I had plenty of time to myself then so I am making the most of this time .

littlemissmischief · 01/09/2007 22:08

Hi,
I think its different for veryone my ds is 10 months old now and I dread leaving him even with dp and have total panoc attacks when not with him but other people I know are much better at it and enjoy the free time.
Dont worry just do what makes you feel comfortable and enjoy your son x

Jojay · 01/09/2007 22:17

Agree with filly. it's perfectly normal to want your baby with you all the time at this stage - its the most instinctive thing in the world.

But do try to let your dh do some things alone with the baby, even if it's just to take him off to change his nappy or get him dressed.

He needn't leave the house or even the room, but he needs to build a relationship with the baby too, and to know that you trust him.

I'm sure everything will work out fine, but you're not being a freak by feeling like this!!!

Kog · 10/09/2007 20:27

I have enjoyed reading this thread! It is nice to feel normal (or at least, in good company).

I remember very clearly walking to the post office about a 4 minute walk down the road and leaving dd at home with dp when she was nearly 5 months old. I spent the whole time trying to walk as fast as I could without looking like a weirdo speed walker. SURPRISE: the house hadn't burned down, dd hadn't starved, ninjas hadn't invaded with nunchucks, it was all fine.

She's 16 months old now. I have never left her overnight. I've left her for the odd few hours here and there with DP, and (BIG STEP) left her with a really good friend who knows her well while DP and I went out for a meal.

I get teased by some of my friends, but really, I'm just not desperate to escape from her!

Although... there is talk afoot for DP to take her away for a night next month. Ulp.

Sakura · 11/09/2007 00:59

Oh God yes, its definitely instinct. I had high plans of returning back to work when DD was 3 months old and blah blah. I went for one evening, and got all shaky and teary at the thought of her crying all alone without me there, and what if she needed me...etc.
NOw IM a SAHM. It was a totally unexpected feeling. As time goes on (shes now 11 months) separation gets easier, and I think thats nature and how its supposed to be. After your child is born, its just one long gradual process of separation. Theres no need to rush this proces.

Sakura · 11/09/2007 01:05

LOL at weirdo speed walker!

Megglevache · 11/09/2007 01:07

Message withdrawn

clur79 · 15/09/2007 21:33

I am so glad I read this thread. My Ds is now 10 weeks and I have not left him, I even panic when my dp takes the pushchair. He is pushing me to go out with him and leave ds with his mum, but i just don't want to leave him. I am actually happy not going out in the evenings. Can't bear to be without him....

tribpot · 15/09/2007 21:47

Normal! This is what we were designed to do, it's how we keep our babies safe in the wild.

I left ds for a couple of hours when he was about ten weeks old (with his dad) because I had to go to a meeting of the residents' association for our development (was a big deal, not a regular thing). Someone swanned in late, said very loudly "can we do this quickly, I have children at home you know" and then proceeded to rant for an hour about her own agenda, which no-one cared about. How I managed to avoid braining her I have no idea - I was horrendously anxious for the entire meeting, virtually beating down the door at the end to get home.