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Original poster

My ex told me to move on despite the fact we've broken up

39 replies

Cherryblossom200 · 26/01/2020 19:58

Hi everyone,

My ex came over from Australia at Christmas to spend some time with our daughter. He left before she was born.

I'm stumped as we had a conversation shortly before he left which makes no sense to me considering we broke up over 5 years ago.

My dd was in bed and we were sat up chatting. We were talking about my daughter visiting him when she's old enough to negotiate the distance on her own (over 21!) so they can spend some time together. He then casually asked if my daughter calls anyone else dad, because he would prefer it if she called him something other than dad. I said it's not up to him or me to decide that. I said I hadn't met anyone I felt serious enough to introduce her to, but obviously one day that would change.

He then came out with, 'well you should move on, for you'

I couldn't believe what I was hearing and slightly baffled!? What an odd thing to say. Considering the day before he kept mentioning how much I would love Australia and their houses etc basically trying to sell it to me. And each time I kept saying I like the Uk and not bothered about going, but I'm sure one day our daughter may venture out there to visit him. If I was desperate to be with him I would have said I wanted to go.

His comment really bloody annoyed me Hmm

OP posts:
MiniTheMinx · 26/01/2020 20:00

So, has he moved on? what is his situation?

PicsInRed · 26/01/2020 20:00

He's a headfucker.

Don't move to Australia. Obvs.

NotStayingIn · 26/01/2020 20:01

That would really annoy me too. How arrogant! So what did you reply?

AgentJohnson · 26/01/2020 20:02

I agree with him.

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 26/01/2020 20:03

I didn't really ask if he has moved on. I wasn't too bothered really. The next day I just asked if he was married or had kids and he said no.

I don't actually know why he said it? Any ideas. It just seems very odd especially as he kept going on about how much I'd like Sydney - which I won't be moving to.

He even said it would be nice if we holidayed in Thailand. This from the man who wants me to move on?!

OP posts:
TwoHeadedYellowBelliedHoleDig · 26/01/2020 20:06

Is this the arse guy who has only just met your DD? Did you post about him before?

It sounds like he hasn't really thought about you at all in the last 5 years, or what your life has involved or how its changed - to him you are still in the same position/box you were when he saw you last. Heartbroken at the loss of him etc.

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 26/01/2020 20:06

No staying in - I didn't know how to respond at the time.

I just waited until the next day, just before he left. I told him that if he changed his mind and returned to the uk that the door would be closed to reuniting as a family, that we would always be separate. He said he understood that. I then said that I had moved on and had open conversations about the fact she would one day have another dad.

I wanted to make it clear to him and gain some sort of closure.

OP posts:
MrsAJ27 · 26/01/2020 20:06

Yeah very arrogant

Maybe he is trying to test the water with you...weird way to do it though

MotorwayDiva · 26/01/2020 20:07

Maybes he's testing the waters, but I'd flip it round to him and tell him to move on, which surely is simpler as a person without parental responsibilities?

mbosnz · 26/01/2020 20:09

How the hell did that swollen head of his fit through the front door? Did he have to sit on the sofa alone for his ego to fit as well?

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 26/01/2020 20:09

MrsA that's what I think potentially he was doing, but because I said that one day my situation would change he kind of went on the defence. He is such an oddball, he wouldn't ever say how he feel outright, he speaks in riddles.

Because I do want to meet someone one day.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 26/01/2020 20:11

Motorway diva, I did just that the next day!

Mobs- loving that comment Grinyou made me laugh out loud!! 😂😂

OP posts:
TheStuffedPenguin · 27/01/2020 00:04

*I have sent him a message ceasing contact. It’s a shame as he has stayed true to his word and maintained contact with my DD for two years. Keeping FaceTime calls with her. But like you have all said it’s not good for her. You’ve made me realise it’s better he isn’t in her life.

I’ve just explained he won’t be coming for Christmas and my DD is fine about it. She barely knew him, so better now than later.*

This was you last October . So what happened ?

TheStuffedPenguin · 27/01/2020 00:05

You really need to move on or your whole life is going to be this endless questioning !

Scarsthelot · 27/01/2020 02:53

OP, the posted about him before.

You were wondering if he was single and asking if he was with someone would they be happy he was staying at your house.

You got lots of advice. It was clear, you werent over him and were wondering abiut possibility of getting back together.

You do, in fact, need to move on.

AdachiOljulo · 27/01/2020 04:04

having read all your posts about this man from the last 6 months it is clear that you are obsessed with him, are massively over-invested in everything he thinks and does, and you do not have clear boundaries.

to him, you were a nice girl that he dated for a bit while he was preparing to emigrate. if you hadn't got pregnant here would have never thought of you again.

the fact that you did get pregnant does not increase the depth or significance of your relationship one jot. he may or may not have a relationship with your dd but as he has never been a dad to her that isn't ever going to be a big thing to either of them.

you have not moved on. you need to do so.

Limpshade · 27/01/2020 04:46

Sorry, OP, I honestly mean this kindly - I've seen your other threads about this man I'm and I think he's right. You DO need to get over him. He's never going to give you what you want.

user1483387154 · 27/01/2020 04:48

He is right you DO need to move on and get over him.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 27/01/2020 05:04

If he doesn't want your daughter to call him dad just cut contact.

It's been 5 years and you haven't actually moved on, regardless of why.

I read it like he's telling you to prioritise yourself not focus your whole life on DD.

AgentJohnson · 27/01/2020 05:56

Context, you deliberately didn’t explain the background to his comment, which speaks volumes.

RantyAnty · 27/01/2020 06:47

Was he fishing, future faking?
Did you guys sleep together while he was at yours?

Does he pay child maintenance?

What happened to the other 2 guys you were dating? French and the one after him?

He's made it clear in actions he has no interest in being a father. To your DD, he's pretty much a stranger.
I wouldn't bother with him anymore.

baileys6904 · 27/01/2020 07:21

Think the other posters are talking sense nd don't want to beat you up with that, but I do think that if your dd has a relationship with her biological dad, don't her her try and call it anyone else. My mum left when I was about 6 and my father remarried and made me call his wife mum. I hated it and resented them both massively. It caused huge problems and even now, 35+ years later, my relationship with my dad is strained (although through various reasons) and it still annoys me to this day.
I do think you could do with a touch of counselling or advice as to how to compartmentalise all these feelings and mixed roles that need to be in place here, so u can successfully Co parent without driving yourself mad at the same time. Best of luck

HandsOffMyLangCleg · 27/01/2020 07:27

It's possible he's read the Mumsnet posts that pp refer to, so that could explain his comments.

MyuMe · 27/01/2020 07:34

I'm not sure why you're thinking about the logistics of a 5 yo visiting Australia at over 21 when he doesn't want her to call him dad.

Scarsthelot · 27/01/2020 07:53

He's made it clear in actions he has no interest in being a father. To your DD, he's pretty much a stranger.

And yet OP wanted him to stay in her house at Christmas to spend time with the child.

Except her concern was wether him staying over meant he was single or not. He doesnt want a meaningful relationship with his daughter. But OP will keep trying because she gasnt moved on.

Not sure why you would plan logistics for 16 years time or why she cant go before then, either.

OP you have been told icer and over again he wont be a meaningful presence on her life. You arent doing this for her. You are doing it because you havent moved on.

He has clearly picked up on this too.

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