My ex told me to move on despite the fact we've broken up

[Cherryblossom200]

Hi everyone,

My ex came over from Australia at Christmas to spend some time with our daughter. He left before she was born.

I'm stumped as we had a conversation shortly before he left which makes no sense to me considering we broke up over 5 years ago.

My dd was in bed and we were sat up chatting. We were talking about my daughter visiting him when she's old enough to negotiate the distance on her own (over 21!) so they can spend some time together. He then casually asked if my daughter calls anyone else dad, because he would prefer it if she called him something other than dad. I said it's not up to him or me to decide that. I said I hadn't met anyone I felt serious enough to introduce her to, but obviously one day that would change.

He then came out with, 'well you should move on, for you'

I couldn't believe what I was hearing and slightly baffled!? What an odd thing to say. Considering the day before he kept mentioning how much I would love Australia and their houses etc basically trying to sell it to me. And each time I kept saying I like the Uk and not bothered about going, but I'm sure one day our daughter may venture out there to visit him. If I was desperate to be with him I would have said I wanted to go.

His comment really bloody annoyed me

I remember your previous threads and you really need to give your head a wobble OP. You are doing your DD a disservice by letting this man walk in and our her life. You were given plenty of great advice and you ignored it.

Sorry for the delay in replying, I’m at work so it’s not easy to message.

After some discussion with my ex, I decided he could still see my DD at Christmas. But I took everyone’s advice and he stayed in a local BB which worked really well.

I do not regret him spending time with my DD at all, she had a fantastic time and it has only helped the relationship in a good way. She has not been affected by it, as she knows no different. It’s not like this is a re-occurring thing where he turns up every few months and leaves. She completely understands that he lives in Australia and we live in the UK, that daddy came over for a holiday to spend time with her and that he loves her very much. We chat about it openly. When he left there wasn’t even a hint of confusion/upset or anything. It was just ‘bye dad’ chat on FaceTime soon. This is the norm. Those Mumsnetters who think I shouldn’t be encouraging this relationship, sorry but it’s not your decision. I do what I feel is right for my DD. Everyone who meets her always says what a happy, confident little girl she is – so I must be doing something right.

I brought up what happened when he left, because I wanted answers. I won’t go into it, but I think he has just convinced himself that it was all my fault and not accepted any responsibility.

Nothing happened between us, which I’m happy about. When he left, I was able to get my closure. I needed to see him again, discuss what happened and move on and now find a new person to be with. I had too many questions before which was holding me back. Since he has left, I have felt like a huge weight has been lifted. I’m started to date seriously now, and excited about the future.

I’m just a bit annoyed by his comments, because I really didn’t give him any indication that I wanted anything with him. I very much kept him at arm’s length.

No I very much doubt he has been on mumsnet

Oh and her dad wants our daughter to only call him dad, not the new man in my life if that makes sense.

What closure? You knew he was leaving before you got pregnant didnt you?

OP its obvious you havent moved on and its obvious to him. Which is why he said it.

Oh and I thought there was no way he would stay in a b&b?

That was why you were having him at yours?

That's why people were saying he shouldnt see her. Because you gave the impression he wasnt that interested and unless it was all in his own terms, he would cancel.

You were adamant he wouldnt come ig he could stay at yours

That sort of person isnt good for tour daughter.

But appears all that was just something you decided.

No he initially was happy to stay in a b&b it was me who suggested he stay at our home. But after some reflection and chatting to people on here we decided it was best all round for him to stay at a b&b.

Anyway it's done now.

I have closure and I'm happy that's all that maters 😊

He sees moving on as having another partner. I'd have asked him why he thought this.
Wasn't he just raving about Australia because he's happy there, you told him you were happy here, I don't see the issue.
You have both clearly moved on, but he has a point about being your dd dad.
It is up to you as the parent to decide who is called Dad, certainly not the child

So him telling you to move on was the closure you needed? So he was right? And there was no need for you to post saying you were confused?

OP on your other thread you said

I did take your comments onboard, spoke to my family about trying to work out a way to get out of him staying, but they know him very well, as do I. He more than likely will pull out all together, not because of the money thing but because he is just a bit odd about things. I won’t go into detail. My DD knows he is coming over to stay for a bit, I feel it would do more harm to my DD’s well being if he pulled out completely.

You said if he could stay with you he epild likely not come.

That's not a man who cares about his daughter. So you just assumed that. Or your experience of him made you think he would call off the visit

You also said in that thread that posters were right and you needed to let all thoughts of romantic story. Your thread was about working out wether he was single or not.

You havent moved on. Hopefully you will now.

No it wasn’t him telling me to move on which made me move on at all. I just needed to see him in person again and talk about what happened in the past. There were too many grey areas which needed answering. I wish it had happened sooner tbh, but it’s taught me in the future I’m the sort of person who needs to talk things out instead of leave things hanging.

I think it’s important to be respectful of how everyone deals with things, we are all different, we all have our own way on coping and moving on. So no, it had zero to do with him telling me to move on, essentially I did this naturally on my own before his comment – which just bloody annoyed me!!!! I thought I made it clear through my actions that I wasn’t interested. Especially when he kept going on about how much I’d like Australia, honestly he was starting to do my head in. His family/friends seemed to be in on it too – they kept saying how much I’d like Oz as I like the outdoors so much. Each time I kept changing the subject because it made be uncomfortable.

Perhaps he’s thinking if you moved to OZ there would be more opportunities for a relationship with DD. But at the same time making it clear he didn’t want a relationship with you.

Sounds a lot like you want to convince yourself he is planning a future for you, but that you're the one making the decision to "move on". I don't see any point in your thread, apart from perhaps wanting ppl to say "sounds like he wants you still". What a mess.

Forget about the past and move on . IF this man wanted to be with you then he would be.

OP I'm saying what I'm saying as somebody who had a father was absent for long periods of my life as a kid. It HAS affected me into adulthood - I do not trust men at all and have made disastrous relationship choices because of it. Bear in mind that just because your DD might be happy now, there may be psychological effects into adulthood. Children need consistent parents, not ones that dip in and out their lives on their terms.