Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Any of your oh's possibly in love another woman

45 replies

foolforlove1 · 26/01/2020 19:37

We are together two years. This woman predates me by about ten years.
He adores her. He talks about her a lot. They work together. They do stuff together after work. They visit each other's homes.
He thinks the sun shines out of her.
He fobs me off when I get annoyed, telling me I am being ridiculous as she is ten years older than him and so on.
She is single a year btw.
He is reluctant to commit any more than seeing one another a few times a week and a day or two at weekends when I'm not working.
He is planning to go to an event with her on their own soon and go to her home for a weekend soon also. Is this even ok ?

OP posts:
SuspicionAintTheWay · 26/01/2020 19:41

Hi OP. I have name changed for this. I'm a regular poster and don't want to be outed.

I have been in exactly this situation.

Doggybiccys · 26/01/2020 19:41

It doesn’t matter what others think and you will get differing opinions / people saying what if it was a guy friend etc. You are not happy with it is all you need to know.

SuspicionAintTheWay · 26/01/2020 19:46

Old friend suddenly became single. His behaviour changed.
Red flags everywhere.
He said nothing happened.
I have no idea if it did, but if it didn't it was not because of him.

It is not ok. I am 99.9% sure that he has checked out of your relationship.

ArranUpsideDown · 26/01/2020 19:48

It doesn't matter if this is an unusually close platonic relationship or not.

From what you say, it doesn't look like there's anything blocking them being together if that's what they both wanted.

From your DP's viewpoint, even if he felt ready to give up a close friend for you (if that's what the relationship is) - over time he'd resent losing such a close relationship and that would take its toll.

As PP says, you're not happy with it and that's all there is to it. It feels unlikely you'd adapt in the future so it seems as if this is a deal breaker for you.

Original poster
foolforlove1 · 26/01/2020 19:48

Thanks. He is her guy friend and she does not chase him.I think it is him who thinks she is great.
Am I overthinking.
Would anyone accept this or am I being needy ?

OP posts:
GeePipe · 26/01/2020 19:49

Yes my dp Sad still loves his ex the mother of his only child.

SuspicionAintTheWay · 26/01/2020 19:49

Sorry, but ignore any "Can't a man be friends with a woman" posts.

Here's a huge HUG for you.

Nobodyseesme · 26/01/2020 19:54

Why isnt he doing this stuff with you, or spending this time with you? It's you he's meant to be in love with. I think if you're not comfortable with this then you should cut him loose before he hurts you.
You're meant to feel like bestests, do you? Do you feel he prioritises you? These are all things you need to think about and act on whatever conclusion you come to.

SandyY2K · 26/01/2020 19:54

Why are you still with him if you're not happy with the situation?

Just end it. You don't even need to tell him why...just that the relationship isn't working for you.

Doggybiccys · 26/01/2020 19:55

Some will, some won’t. I suspect jealousy. If she was 80 /a bloke / perceived sac hideously unattractive would you still feel the same? ( I don’t like referring to people in terms of looks but you get my point)

Doggybiccys · 26/01/2020 19:55

as not sac

Original poster
foolforlove1 · 26/01/2020 19:55

The only behaviour that has changed since she split from her oh is that they are
Making plans to do stuff together including staying at one another's homes.
He doesn't talk about her more since she split .its always been like that.

OP posts:
Crazycatperson · 26/01/2020 19:56

He is treating you with such little respect. It reminds me a bit of how my relationship with my boyfriend started. He had female friends who he would meet for coffee or drinks when he was in London. He also spent time with his ex wife using the excuse they had kids (who were almost adults). He absolutely took the piss. I'm glad to say, things changed over time and he hasn't seen these women for years. It has however shaped me into being a somewhat controlling girlfriend. Something I'm trying to address as it's not healthy. Tell your boyfriend how you feel. If he doesn't see it, even with some persuasion then walk away and leave him to it. His behaviour is not appropriate. Even if he doesn't fancy this woman, he's wrong to spend time with her if it upsets you. Guaranteed she'll know it upsets you too!!

SuspicionAintTheWay · 26/01/2020 20:00

Ignore the jealousy posts. He is behaving as if she was his girlfriend.

Have you met her? Do you see the communication between them?

You can have friends of the opposite sex and it can be platonic, but a man usually seeks out a woman's company because ...

Original poster
foolforlove1 · 26/01/2020 20:11

Haven't met her.
I know he finds her very witty and intelligent and has started using new big words when referencing her 🙄
He priorities me and treats me well.we are at an impasse now because I want to move in together but her doesn't , even though we practically stay together three nights per week .
He is not ready.
A good thing though is that he has cut back drastically on his Phone contact with her, after work hours.

OP posts:
Nanna50 · 26/01/2020 20:14

By Predates you do you mean he has been friends with her for 10 years longer than he has been with you?

Or do you mean she is 10 years older than you? How long have they been friends?

Original poster
foolforlove1 · 26/01/2020 20:19

Friends for about ten years and she is ten years older.
She is attractive from r a woman in her early forties and mildly overweight. I don't feel any competition in that way.

OP posts:
PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 26/01/2020 20:26

we are at an impasse now because I want to move in together but her doesn't

From all that you have written OP your OH doesn’t sound that he’s into you enough, and the OW thing is a red herring.

I really do think this is just a cut and dried “he’d just not that into you”. Sorry x

RLEOM · 26/01/2020 20:32

Hmmm, this is a tricky one. Any good female friends my exes have had have either been people they've dated, wanted to date, or end up dating after we split. It's happened so many times, I now begrudge dating men with these so called "friends."

SinglePringle · 26/01/2020 20:33

Another perspective - I am single and have male friends who are married / in long term relationships. I meet them for coffee / drinks / dinner on a one on one basis. We are not in love, nor do I want to be in a relationship with any of them (not they I). I predate some of their relationships and others I met since.

Men and women can be friends and I would take a dim view of a partner who felt this was unacceptable and tried to put a stop to it but ultimately, there wouldn’t be anything I could do (accept tell my mate he might want to look up Controlling Behaviour...). However, it’s up to you what you will or won’t accept in a relationship.

MikeUniformMike · 26/01/2020 20:34

You haven't met her? Why not?
Are you sure she's 10 yrs older and overweight?

RLEOM · 26/01/2020 20:34

Also, you'll know in your gut. One of my exes would always gel his hair for one of his "friends"... we split, they got together. I could see it, I just didn't want to believe it and wanted to trust him when he said she was just a friend. But I could see the way she'd look at him, giving him doe eyes... yuk. Listen to your gut x

champagneandfromage50 · 26/01/2020 20:36

so his close friend he goes away with and is in touch with alot you have never met in 2 yrs? That in itself is odd....think I met my DP best friend after a week!

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 26/01/2020 20:41

I agree with a PP, he's not into you enough. I know it hurts to hear that, but if he was really in love, your relationship would be moving forward, not at an impasse. Their friendship is a side note (at the moment), it's his treatment of you that's the problem.

I think you should move on. Flowers

SuspicionAintTheWay · 26/01/2020 20:41

I got the 'If there was anything going on I wouldn't have told you about it', 'There's nothing going on' ...

I'd not met her. The way he described her made my stomach lurch. Ugh!

Your gut is telling you that something is not right.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread