Any of your oh's possibly in love another woman

[foolforlove1]

We are together two years. This woman predates me by about ten years.
He adores her. He talks about her a lot. They work together. They do stuff together after work. They visit each other's homes.
He thinks the sun shines out of her.
He fobs me off when I get annoyed, telling me I am being ridiculous as she is ten years older than him and so on.
She is single a year btw.
He is reluctant to commit any more than seeing one another a few times a week and a day or two at weekends when I'm not working.
He is planning to go to an event with her on their own soon and go to her home for a weekend soon also. Is this even ok ?

Women in their 40s are said to be horny as anything. Are you telling me that if a male friend was staying overnight at mine I wouldn't be ever so slightly tempted?

I've seen her on his phone. They share photos of what's going on in their social lives.
I also see her social media.
Im not sure he is attracted to her but he certainly cherishes their friendship.
It just feels too full on.

I am 10 years older than my dh...
If he is unwilling to have you all socialise together I would send him on his way op. He is too old for sleepovers....

I'd be more concerned about him limiting time with you two years in. It sounds like you're looking for the relationship to progress to the next level, maybe with long term goals in mind, but he's not open to that with you. Time to move on, OP.

I haven't met her as she lives far away

suspicionaintheway (oh, the irony!), my married male friend stayed at mine a few weeks ago. Can’t say I was tempted, no. And I’m in my 40’s.

He really is a good boyfriend. Attentive, caring and does make plenty of time for me. My concern is that behind it alll, he may be in love with a woman that possibly had no interest in him in that way and he knows it but yet keeps her close by. I still find it hard to get Y head around him wanting to do' couple things' with her and staying overnight together. Something says to me that it isn't appropriate but he thinks it's perfectly fine and normal. They both share similar interests. We don't generally.
I trust him but he definitely thinks this one is God's gift.
I don't think she is interested in him romantically.

And that’s too much for you to cope with OP, and that’s fine and very understandable.

How are you addressing your issues with him and this issue? Is it slammy door arguments or is it you trying to cajole him into seeing your point of view?

I do stand by my original post that the time you’ve been together + his avoidance of moving things to the next level + his apparent preference of this woman’s feelings and needs above yours = he’s just not that into you.

So is it understandable?
I really do not want to be That controlling girlfriend who is needy.
He makes me feel unreasonable for questioning why he would go to her home for a weekend away or when they go to a shared interest eg musical concert or football.
I would go if I was asked but he seems to want to spend time doing these things with her.

I voice my opinion and there is lots of soothing noises but he still goes ahead and does What he wants to do.

I think he is open to long term plans and sees me in his future but there is no actual actions yet or dates he commits to.

Things aren't universally either acceptable or unacceptable - everyone has personal boundaries and levels of comfort.

You aren't comfortable with the boundaries of this relationship when it comes to the friendship. You also feel unable to properly discuss it with him in a healthy way (from both sides) as he placated but then doesn't change behaviour.

Neither is necessarily right or wrong in principle - but it's wrong for you and that's what matters. It's ok for a relationship to not work out, we waste so many years on ones that aren't right because we don't feel theres something "bad enough" to end it for.

It isn't working for you, have confidence in the knowledge of that instead of agonising over whether you're reasonable or unreasonable.

Why does he need to go to her house on a weekend away when they work together every day?! Sounds odd.

I'm totally understanding of having opposite sex friends, don't get me wrong...but when the balance is tipped to them prioritising that friend over your time together as a couple or not progressing your relationship, then there is something amiss. I'd definitely start feeling he wasn't that into me. Collectively, he is spending more time with her than he is with you. Also find it strange he hasn't introduced you both if she's that important in his life.

I have male friends and likewise my partner has female friends. We've only been together for 3 months but have introduced each other to those who are important to us. He's met my family and friends, including one of my closest male friends. Likewise I've met one of his closest female friends (she's actually an ex of his). He is very clear to me that I'm his priority.

It's all very well going to the odd concert or event with an opposite sex friend, but to be heavily invested on a day to day basis, tips the balance. You can't stop him from being in love with her, even if it isn't reciprocated. I'm sorry to say, I'd prepare for the end of this relationship as it doesn't seem to be going anywhere.

The thing is that he does treat me very very Weill.He is caring and in many ways I do come first.He is reluctant to move forward to the next level even though we practically stay together when I am not working or when ye is with his friends or family.
This woman is in the background though and is with him every day at work.
I also think it's strange to want to spend an entire weekend with her on their own! And then go to events on their own. He is definitely keeping me separate from her.she lives far away but there have be opportunities to meet but he has chosen times when I have been at work or told me she is too busy.
They seem to have great fun together every day from his stories about work. That upsets me a bit

Spending the weekend with her might be completely innocent, but it looks bad. Can't a man have female friends? Of course he can.

I decided not to be the jealous girlfriend, and I was fairly convinced that she just saw him as a close friend, but it turned out to be either an emotional affair or a full blown affair - EA probably. He had a massive crush on her.

We parted not in the slightest bit amicably. The lies he had told me meant that of the many years we'd been a couple, I had no idea of what had been really going on. Was I second best? Or second best after she became single. It nearly cracked me up.

The X treated me brilliantly a lot of the time - things were going a bit downhill for about a year before I found out. It took at least a year to get over it.

When I posted (in despair) on here, I got the "Have you no boundaries?" posts. I did have boundaries. I had told him that I found his spending time with her inappropriate and so on. He had reassured me that there was nothing going on. My gut feeling knew that she would split us up, and in hindsight I should have walked away at that first time my gut told me but I loved him (not really, I loved the man I thought he was) and he was seemingly nice to me.

You are not me, and your situation isn't necessarily the same.

You can either meet her with him so you can see how he is when she is around or you can walk away.

If he refuses to let you meet her, walk away.

Hope that helps.

@SinglePringle, I name changed.

I have male friends. Some are just friends who happen to be male.
Usually, a man doesn't want to spend time with a woman unless there is at least a possibility of more than friendship. If OP is in her early 30s and looking to settle down and start a family, then she needs to know that there aren't three people in the relationship.

I would ditch him, the git.

I'm sorry, OP, I still think you're settling for what he's prepared to give you, rather than what you actually want.

If you want to give your relationship another chance, I'd take a stand and say that you want to get more serious (e.g. move in together) and if that's not what he wants in the near future, it's time for you both to move on.

That's not being controlling, it's being honest about what you want for your future. His friendship with this woman sounds like a massive crush, but either she's not interested or she's a decent person who won't consider anything romantic with someone who's in already in a relationship. I think you have to make your position clear and see what happens. Otherwise, you'll continue putting up with this for the foreseeable future.

I'd be more concerned that after 2 years you want to move in together and he doesn't. If he isn't ready after 2 years, he is never going to be ready. With you.

You can talk about how great he treats you, and how much he he prioritises you - but he is not seeking any more commitment than 'girlfriend'. And you are unable to be honest with him about your feleings because you are afraid of what he will think - that you are 'needy'.

This relationship has stalled - and it's unlikely to get moving again, especially with an extra passenger. But I get the feeling that if you don't put up and shut up, you'll be the one who is asked to step off the vehicle.

I would advise not wasting any more time on this man. Not because of her - because of him.

Mentionitis
Adoration
1:1 Outings that always exclude you
Planning to stay in each other’s homes, with his spending an entire weekend at hers soon
Dismissal of your feelings
Stalled progression of your relationship

This wouldn’t be happening in my relationship. It sounds like your partner has a huge crush and it may go deeper, as he has adored her for years. Now that she is single there has been a shift, and their togetherness is escalating while yours is stalling. His keeping you separate speaks volumes.

He feels entitled to pursue more ‘alone time’ with her and doesn’t care how you feel about it. He dismisses your discomfort and uses her age to deny his attraction and manipulate you to back off. That is guff, as plenty of men have relationships with older women.

I wouldn’t tolerate this disrespect and would leave him to it. You deserve a partner who prioritizes you and only you...who pursues more time and a future with you.