How to get past being ghosted

[Misty9]

I know there's another thread on ghosting but I'm more wanting to know how to get past it happening to you. Met a guy, in real life, we'd had a few really good dates, he talked about us being 'exclusive' and was really complimentary yadda yadda. We'd done things like cooking dinner together, clothes shopping and chilling on the sofa. He'd stayed over a couple of times so I don't think he was married - and I did ask him if he was definitely single. He wasn't great at contact in between dates but said he didn't like messaging.

I have a tendency to get over invested so after getting the impression he isn't that interested in my life, I deleted his number and left it to him to contact me. That was 4 days ago. So I'm pretty sure I've been ghosted. And I've got no way of contacting him anyway. But I'm finding it hard to get past it and feeling anxious, replaying our dates in my head and just wondering what happened. The lack of contact in between was becoming an issue so I was kind of thinking to end it anyway, but to just disappear is so bloody rude! Even writing this I feel ridiculous to be letting it affect me this much. But it is I have a great life and have no need for a man. I just don't understand!

Can anyone else relate? What helped?

I'm sure it's absolutely nothing you did. Probably just too much of a coward, rather than say he's not feeling it or whatever he takes the easy option out. You have had a lucky escape with this one. Onwards and upwards.

Guess he didnt want the 'break up' chat?
Sounds like he wasnt that bothered or maybe got vibes from you that you were unequally bothered?
Dont get so invested so early on next time. If you had started to develop feeling by getting so cozy so quick, you might be feeling very differently now, and confused and sad.
Some men I reckon get what they want/ need and move on to play on.
Its a shitty thing to do though 😪

I was ghosted once. He actually cropped up again some time later.

Ghosting actually leaves the door open.

So much ghosting going on this week. They must either think you aren't bothered either, or just have changed their mind.

You would hope if the former they would check.

4 days isnt that long though.

Well done for deleting the number.

It sounds like you've ghosted him!

@Chihaha I sent the last message and it said to let me know if he wanted a chat. He'd declined to have one that evening after suggesting it the previous one. And we are supposed to be meeting up this week... But it's just rude. And a head fuck. And I can't be arsed to overthink it this early on. It was too much too soon in hindsight. I just would love to tell him he's rude to his face! And it's horrible to be left with wondering why.

OP it's only been 4 days.

I wouldn't be surprised if he got in touch.

He's got a wife/gf. Saying he "doesn't like texting" is a major giveaway. It's not anything you've done.

@youjustdoyou exactly what I was going to say.

You did the right thing deleting number, he is ghosting

First thought ... he’s married

I wish people would bore off with the he is married.

It's the default answer for every thread like this.

You did the right thing. Whatever his excuse is, he doesn't seem that bothered about you. Yeah it's only been 4 days but if you're talked about being exclusive he wouldnt want to leave it that long and if he was really into you he would like messaging/ contacting you.

I really don't think he is married. He has been and then a ltr... But something didn't add up from the start.

Regardless of why he's done it, how do people get past the wondering and questioning in their heads? (probably not by posting threads on mumsnet...) and how do I trust what anyone in the future says?!

By acknowledging that the chances are that it was nothing you personally did and the problem probably lay with him. Yes it hurts at the time but if he had issues going on or if ghosting is something he does regularly to people, there's no point dwelling on it. People can be strange.

@Misty9 it is so hard but the chances are it had nothing to do with you.

How many times had you seen each other ?

Alson @Misty9 in terms of future men and behaviour, you never really know what anyone is going to do.

You don’t trust words. That’s how. You trust actions, you can tell if someone is genuine if their words match their actions. So, if a guy says, I’ll ring you tonight about plans tomorrow and he doesn’t, that shows he isn’t genuine (barring a real emergency obv). That’s your first clue not to invest any emotion in him. You don’t then make excuses for him or justify why he might not have contacted you etc

Aaah I see. Its hard but better it happened now.

Aren’t you essentially doing the same thing in deleting his number and never contacting him again though? You’re both ignoring each other but for different reasons. You decided he didn’t like you because his contact didn’t match what you liked so you stopped messaging and deleted his number. He didn’t contact you for whatever reason and has stopped messaging you.

The only difference is you don’t know his reasoning why he stopped while you know your own.

I used to always get overly invested in guys- couldn't help it, in fact. I would form attachments and practically planning the wedding after the first date.
Then as old fashioned as it sounds and well into my mid thirties, I decided I would not go any chasing at all. If the guy liked me, he had to call and arrange the dates. It was the only way I felt secure. May not work for everyone but did for me.
This guy you have dated just isn't genuine, one way or the other.
Four days is a long time considering what has gone on between you.
You need to realise that you are the best thing ever to the right one for you.

It sounds like you ghosted him? He told you at the beginning he didn't like messaging so he has already been open about it. Lots of guys dont like messaging as do some women. You were already seeing each other. It was really, really early days and you became so anxious about it you ghosted him. It takes ages to get to know someone and the slower you do it the better in my opinion. It was only 4 days!!! The poor guy, he probably thinks you are not in the slightest bit interested now (which you aren't now) but next time, give yourself time and not over invest so soon. Give a man a chance and listen to what they tell you at the beginning as he did.

@litterbird yes he said he didn't like messaging so that's we spoke on the phone. Until we dtd then his communication dropped off noticeably. I suggested speaking last time we had contact and he didn't want to. He also disappeared mid message exchange (presumably to bed) and I sent the last message. Those are not the actions of someone who is interested! But your advice to take it slower next time is good. We had agreed to take it slow. Then nothing. Last time we saw each other he stayed over and we cooked dinner etc. I could Facebook message him but he hasn't accepted my prior request and I just think he's not that bothered. It was always me initiating contact.

Anyway, it will sting less in a few days I'm sure. And I will definitely look for actions to match words in future!

@MyuMe four times, but each one was half a day and the night mostly. Not much but its rare I like a guy. And I do get over invested I've been married/in a relationship for the last 12 years so am picking up dating from where I left off in my late 20s. I've got a bit of personal growth to do there!