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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Secrets

36 replies

TheStaff · 26/01/2020 15:59

Unusual weekend, DH and I went out together twice to see different former work colleagues of both of ours.
Last night I over heard DH replying to a normal sort of question to ask a 60 year old computer programmer, (I didn't hear the actual question but I assume it to be along the lines of "are you still working, any thoughts on retirement?). ASH answers was "yes I'm thinking of retiring'. Needless to say it's the first I'd heard of it.
Today I join him and friends for a pub lunch, they had been on a country walk, the weather wasn't great and I play tennis on Sunday mornings so I just joined them for lunch. One said he was doing a charity walk later in the year, another said they were all doing it, then DH said he had signed up to do it. Again the first I hear is after DH has got a place, someone said didn't you fancy it? I said I knew nothing about it. It's the looks in other people's faces when they realise that DH doesn't tell me what he's planning to do.
Strangely it's the walk that's upset me most, but the consequences of DH retiring will be massive. Surely he should at least tell me that he's planning to do this. In an ideal (normal) situation it would be a joint decision. It will impact our income, DH sitting for hours staring at his phone will drive me mad! Plus I'd want him to take on domestic duties if I carrying on working. It would be a massive change for him, plus at the age of 60 he'd have to start acting like an adult for the first time rather than the single carefree do as he pleases person he has been all his married life.
At new year I asked what we were going to do about holidays this year. He said he doesn't want to go on holidays like we've done in the past, such as visiting some where 'cultural' and seeing the sights. He wants to be more active and said he's going to learn to sail, the holiday is being planned with friends from work. All this decided by himself and told to me when he has made his decision.
I'm upset - he can cook his own bloody dinner tomorrow!

OP posts:
MikeUniformMike · 26/01/2020 16:18

Doesn't look good OP. How are other aspects of your marriage?

Original poster
TheStaff · 26/01/2020 16:26

Thanks for replying MUM.
Other aspects are none existent !
I know I should have left years ago or never married in the first place. I try hard to be as emotionally detached as he is; sometimes I just can't help but feel hurt I'm not included as much as I think I should be.

OP posts:
MikeUniformMike · 26/01/2020 16:46

Do you have children and, if so, are they adults?
How long have you been married?
Do you both own your house, or is in one name only?

Is it possible that there is someone else? Has there been any changes in behaviour or appearance - working late or sudden interest in going to the gym or something?

You say other aspects are non-existent - do you mean you are like you are just housemates, rubbing along ok but not affectionate/intimate?

I am generalising, but he is a programmer and programmers are considered to be a bit 'on the spectrum'. Could it be that he doesn't realise he is leaving you out?

Elieza · 26/01/2020 16:50

Sounds like he’s very much pleasing himself and taking you for granted. Like youre his flat mate rather than his wife. Like his decisions aren’t going to affect you and are not your concern

Obviously he’s wrong as his decisions will affect you. The holiday being the first. I don’t care what you want I’m going with my mates and you can get stuffed basically.

You may need to have The Talk. About him pulling his weight around the house now, and if he wants his own hobbies that’s fine, however for him to cut his income to the joint finances he should have the common courtesy to discuss it at home with you first as things will change if he reduces hours or retires and things may have to be put in place prior etc.

Do you still want to be with him? Sounds like he’s not really bothered about you. Sorry OP.

Could he be having a midlife crises? Does he fancy a woman in the group? He may be up to something.

HollowTalk · 26/01/2020 16:57

It's a very strange way to behave. Who is going on that walk? Is there a person of interest there?

Have you spoken to him about retirement if he's coming up to 60?

Do you go out to work? If so, when are you thinking of retiring?

Do you want to spend your retirement with him? If not, now might be the time to seriously consider alternatives.

Original poster
TheStaff · 26/01/2020 17:04

Yes 2 wonderful adult DC, they are why I stuck it out.
39 years together.
House in both our names, we are baby boomers so much luckier than most financially.
No suspicions of playing away. Though one of the people there today was a woman who I've had problems with him spending time with in the past. I don't think anything was going on he just didn't tell me he was going out with her. She gave me the 'look' when I said I didn't know about the walk they were going on. I don't think he's interested in her in that way, plus he has 'performance' problems.
Yes we are housemates, though I do the housework and domestic management, as I was a SAHM when the DC were young and now work part-time in a low-paid job.
Yes many people say he's on the spectrum. He has few but very intense interests. He gets angry if rules are broken. He gets anxious about change. Rigid about time, gets up at the same time, eats the same food at the same time every day.
Being on the spectrum doesn't excuse unreasonable behaviour.

OP posts:
MikeUniformMike · 26/01/2020 17:15

It certainly doesn't.
He sounds like a typical programmer. (I work in IT so know lots of them - I was in a briefish relationship with someone who did similar things - he was definitely 'on the spectrum' the dickhead spectrum).

You could consider going it alone. Separate and divorce amicably.

Could you consider couple counselling or going through your family finances with a FA?

LemonTT · 26/01/2020 17:52

Someone needs to end this. It might as well be you.

HollowTalk · 26/01/2020 17:52

Do you want to spend your retirement with him? And I don't like the sound of the look the woman gave you.

Original poster
TheStaff · 26/01/2020 19:45

I don't want to be alone. I don't want to grow old alone. Though I feel very alone at the moment ! I have a lose/lose dilemma.
When he engages we get on fine. It's just the way he plans things without talking about it first that throws me.
If he said I'm thinking about doing xyz is that ok with you? It would be fine. I got really upset last year when he told me he'd met a friend from way back who'd talked about going hiking. Nothing more was said for months until I discovered he was about to go on holiday with this chap. He said but I put it in the family diary! He never said it was happening, when, was it ok with me to look after the dog/cat etc.
I didn't like the look Hollow! I don't like the woman much either. Funny I'm not the only one. The Saturday night meet was all arranged for her convenience. She didn't show up, there were comments made lol

OP posts:
MikeUniformMike · 26/01/2020 20:21

The woman sounds a bit suspect, but it could be nothing.

You need to do something or just put up with his unacceptable behaviour.

Do you want to be with him? Do you love him? I'm not asking if you want to be alone.

I think that if you walk out, there is a possibility that the woman might make a move on him. How would you feel about that? If he is used to having someone do all the household admin, he will have a vacancy?

Do you have anyone IRL you could confide in? Ideally someone who could be objective and listen properly.

Retirement without planning is not a good idea.

Original poster
TheStaff · 26/01/2020 23:19

MuM I guess I'm thinking of myself, I don't want to be alone. I am quite capable, I could cope, it's just if you've had another half for nearly 40 years it's quite a step to go off on your own when you are in your 60s.
But it's very hard to love someone who surrounds themselves with a high brick wall. I want to be with someone who includes me in their thoughts. Considers me when they are making plans for holidays or life changes.
I do think he needs someone to look after him, he's never lived on his own, she could well muscle in. Would he treat her any better?
I have spoken to friends, they say he won't change, you have a good life, that's men, he provides......well he won't provide so much financially when he retires.....

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 27/01/2020 00:39

As you have no plans to leave the marriage, which is entirely your choice...start doing your own thing and let him do his.

Given how you describe things, I'm surprised do anything together at all.

OldWomanSaysThis · 27/01/2020 00:54

Sounds like you all are living separate lives. Maybe you can re-connect when he retires. He sounds more emotionally connected to his co-workers - not that there's an affair or anything - but that group has become his family. That will end when he retires.

PhilCornwall1 · 27/01/2020 04:00

I am generalising, but he is a programmer and programmers are considered to be a bit 'on the spectrum'.

Are they really? I'm one and I and the people that know me wouldn't think this at all.

Who considers this?

GiveHerHellFromUs · 27/01/2020 04:32

He's allowed to think about retiring without running it past you. My guess is he'll mention it and you'll have a million questions about it (because you've already listed some) that he won't have the answer to yet.

He's allowed to arrange to go on charity walks and not run it by you in advance.

He's allowed to take up a new hobby without your permission.

programmers are considered to be a bit 'on the spectrum'.
This is the most ridiculous, inappropriate and plain ignorant comment I've ever read on Mumsnet.

PhilCornwall1 · 27/01/2020 04:42
  • programmers are considered to be a bit 'on the spectrum'. This is the most ridiculous, inappropriate and plain ignorant comment I've ever read on Mumsnet.*

Very true.

I'd really like to know why the poster of this comment thinks this. Is it because we are considered to all be geeks and work in a darkened room with no contact with others?

Therebythedoor · 27/01/2020 06:57

He's allowed tothinkabout retiring without running it past you

Of course he's allowed to think about retirement but you think it's okay that he didn't have enough nous to think 'Ooh, I haven't even discussed it with TheStaff yet, better give a non-committal answer'?

Retirement is a different ball-game than a hobby or a charity walk, isn't it?

GiveHerHellFromUs · 27/01/2020 07:06

@Therebythedoor OP said

Last night I over heard DH replying to a normal sort of question to ask a 60 year old computer programmer, (I didn't hear the actual question but I assume it to be along the lines of "are you still working, any thoughts on retirement?). ASH answers was "yes I'm thinking of retiring'. Needless to say it's the first I'd heard of it.

He told his friend he's thinking of it. Not that he is, so my point still stands.

Marshmello · 27/01/2020 07:07

Um, maybe I'm being too simple here but ... why don't you just talk to him in the way you're talking to us here? Why not just tell him you feel hurt and alone, that he hasn't talked to you about his plans?

I totally agree that after 39 years you are a unit and you don't want to be on your own. There's zero guarantee you would feel better and the seas can be rocky if you strike out alone. I am all for recognising the value of home and family - he isn't abusive or dangerous or horrid. He's just a bit detached.

Personally I think this is a case where talking to him and working at/round it should be tried.

As for the woman, she might well have designs but more significant is his behaviour - does he seem interested in her?

Cambionome · 27/01/2020 07:08

I've just come on here to say that I left exh at almost 60, op. I think that the thought of going it alone is scary but the reality is that life is happier and easier alone than being with men like this.

Maybe allow yourself to think about separating - you don't have to do it but don't restrict your options Flowers

LemonTT · 27/01/2020 12:14

Well it can hardly be surprising that someone who is 60 has thoughts of retirement. Most people start talking about it in their 50s. The oddity would be him saying he isn’t thinking about retirement at 60. The oddity is that haven’t been talking about this for years. And that lack of conversation takes two people.

It’s impossible to understand what is going on here without his input. But sounds to me like a couple who are together for mutually exclusive reasons. Not because they share aspiration or interests.

The holiday discussion is odd too. He has given his opinion on what he wants to do. Surely he is allowed to do that when talking about a holiday but this seems to have upset the apple cart for the OP.

Therebythedoor · 27/01/2020 12:52

And so does my point!

HuskyloverI · 27/01/2020 12:56

Surely everyone is thinking about retirement at 60?

I'm only just 50, and think about it alot!