Wondering when life will give me a break

[INXS998]

Apologies if I seem whiny and I am aware that many people have it a lot worse.
I was bullied for the entire duration of school, not really in uni luckily just the odd comment, it's happened in a couple of jobs though, I left my old job at Xmas where my manager called me a liar twice even though there was no proof of me ever lying about anything there, or any reason for me to lie to her. She then told me I was really selfish to go for another job, and ignored me when I gave my notice. She was friendly on the last day but it was too late.
I luckily got out of an abusive relationship 5 years ago, where I was bullied daily, slapped, shoved and threatened with more severe violence, and he once tried to force me to sleep with him.
I've never met the right man, it's partially my own fault for choosing the sort of men I chose.
Last summer met someone who I thought was the love of my life, but he cheated on me and left me for someone else. They are still together, and I still miss him every day. I've had 1 or 2 dates which didn't go anywhere, so many men just don't reply though. Matched with an old school friend and he just ignored my message.
I have a touch of social anxiety too, feel self conscious when I go into the town centre or whatever, wonder if people will be talking about me or wondering why i'm always alone.
I have a few lovely friends but they either live too far or are settled down. Had to get rid of a couple of male 'friends' last year who were using me as an ego boost.
Spent yet another weekend alone.
Sorry for the long rant, I feel like I have 'treat me like dirt' written on my forehead. Just waiting for it to all 'fall into place' but it probably never will. Feel like my parents get on better with my brother too because he's not as quiet as me.

I am kind, intelligent, think i'm attractive and have things to offer. I know nobody said life was easy, but where's the good part ?

Anyone, please ?

Hey, life probably has dealt you some rough cards at times. Do you feel like its getting a bit much. Are you feeling depressed? Have you got some things to look forward to this year

So sorry to hear your feeling like this. It souses like your self-esteem is in tatters - and not wonder after the bullying at school and the abusive relationship. My advice would be to forget about dating for now and focus on you. My belief is that when our self esteem is low, this is the energy we give off, and so attach the wrong kind of man - the abusers, the control freaks, etc.

Things won't just fall into place. If you want things to change, only you can make this happen. Have you had any kind of therapy of counselling to help you process what you've been through? This might be a good place to start. Do you have many hobbies or things that you like to do for yourself?

Wow that's a lot of shit for one person to deal with.

Have you had a chance to do the Freedom Programme? I think if you could do the group course it would really help you recover from the abusive and toxic relationships you've had as well as better protect yourself in future.

You wouldn't have to talk about yourself, you could just sit and listen to the information they have to share. Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Separately, have you had any kind of therapy? You may well be traumatised from the abuse you went through (which will result in anxiety and being afraid of how people will respond to you) and you clearly do have anxiety and may benefit from support around your relationships.

There are different workbooks here based on CBT:

www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself

They're not too full on and quite easy to dip in and out of depending on what you feel able to do.

Also, it doesn't matter that other people may have it worse than you. A hell of a lot of people have had a much, much easier and luckier time than you too!

Either way it doesn't change what you're facing or how it affects you. Suffering is suffering and deserves the appropriate attention and support to alleviate it.

Another resource that may be useful:

www.selfhelpguides.ntw.nhs.uk/merseycare/leaflets/selfhelp/Post%20traumatic%20Stress.pdf

Thank you so much. I've got a holiday with family next month which will be great and i'm going to see a show in May.
I will study all of these resources and I think the Freedom programme would be a good idea.
I'm not perfect but i've never done anything really bad to anyone before. I've spent my life helping vulernable children and have done a lot of charity work etc. I think i'm honestly a good person and I don't deserve any of this. Not saying anyone deserves this but the cheats, liars and abusers seem to land on their feet and get away with everything.
I could have gone to the police about my ex but it's far too late now I suppose, plus it was in another country.
I have hobbies, i'm very sporty and creative.
I am very lucky in some ways, i'm just tired of how others treat me all the time. If my family weren't here I don't know where I would be.

It seems.you have spent s lot of time helping others.but not.yourself. Try some of the suggestions but also get up and go out for a walk, you might get chatting to people. Don't look to be friends or swap numbers or anything, just enoy a little chat. Start slowly.

You need to find gratitude in what you do have. Some people note 5 to 10 things they're grateful for (roof over their head, food etc) and say it out loud every morning.

Life always throws us shit, whether it's a break up, an illness, death, debt, our skeletons etc. It's part of life. But with the lows there are highs and it's the highs you need to focus on.

Hi, don't scoff but here is a huge, huge gift that is sitting out there FOR FREE:

Al Anon
Adult children of Alcoholics.

Now, before you think 'no' and turn away, you go to the meetings and mentally substitute 'bullying' every time you hear the word 'alcoholic'.

Just do that one thing. My mental word was 'narcissist'. The treatment and cure is the exactly same.

Al Anon is FREE GROUP THERAPY. It really is. As you go through approved Al Anon literature and practise the blueprint for living as an authentic whole and connected person (aka 12 Steps), you learn to:
SELF SOOTHE
Focus on yourself first
Stop outward focus
Let go
Detach with love
Develop boundaries
Not take things personally
etc.

And something truly miraculous happens. As you change? The world around you changes. It is a very gentle and spiritual place.

Google Al Anon, find your local meetings and start going. You can go to as many groups to find the right fit of personalities for you. Twice a week is a good start especially if you are anxious.

It isn't a cult, it isn't a religion or anything like that!

But as you learn to focus on yourself, and what boundaries are (detach with love)?
The power of other people over you wanes.
After a while, it doesn't matter what they do! You are so in touch with yourself, they can be who they need to be (because of their own inner pain), and it doesn't touch you at all.

Doesn't matter if they are alcoholics, addicts, narcissists, bullies. The point is, their issues no longer touch you. And strangely, because you now have compassion over defensiveness and treat them with respect?

They start changing as well. It is a room of miracles which too few people know about!

Thank you for all the suggestions. I just can't imagine another 50 or so years of this, I can't cope and feel suicidal a lot of the time. Just on Bumble atm, hardly any of these losers reply, what on earth are they looking for ?! I think they could do a lot worse than me but nobody seems to think i'm good enough.

Can't stop crying and can't get out of bed. My Dad and brother have booked another trip together and again i'm not invited. They always talk but my brother literally never speaks to me unless I speak to him. I hate feeling this way, I just want to have a happy life.

It feels like you're relying on other people to make you happy, inevitable you're always going to be disappointed. Get off Bumble, it's not doing you any good at all. It sounds like your Dad and brother have a close relationship and maybe have a lot in common? They don't have to invite you when they go out. It doesn't mean they don't like you.

I mean this in the kindest possible way, but you've got to stop feeling sorry for yourself and understand that only you can change things.

Are you getting any treatment for depression?

Your dad and brother probably want to do a bloke trip, I wouldn't take it too personally.

"ust on Bumble atm, hardly any of these losers reply, what on earth are they looking for ?! I think they could do a lot worse than me but nobody seems to think i'm good enough."

[brother etc]

You simply cannot have a relationship with other people, until you have a relationship with yourself.

I really hope you take that first step into that relationship and go to Al Anon. That is what 'focus on yourself' really means - getting in touch with your own authenticity.

Did I mention its free! It is what you would pay a therapist for, and its there and its free.

You’ve had a really shit time of it, you can self refer for CBT, it might help you change the way you are thinking. When you’re feeling a bit stronger and if you have the funds you could try joining something like SpiceUK. It’s a brilliant organisation - google it. They set up nights out, holidays, weekends away and activities and a lot of the people who go are on their own. It would be a great place to make friends. Try not to focus on getting into a relationship yet, until you feel happy in yourself, your setting yourself up for failure.

And just to add, although life has been crap so far, it doesn’t mean it always will be. First things first though, you have to get your mental health back on track.

Thanks a lot everyone. Took myself out to the cinema and feel a bit better. I'll try to not take the trips thing personally, been looking through the resources which I think will be really helpful. Thanks again for the support and kindness 💐

Glad you’re feeling a bit better, keep posting if you need to, sometime just talking about it helps.

Let yourself enjoy being alone for a bit. I haven't had as tough a time as you- but a small string of failed relationships including a divorce after 15 years together. I've vowed that 2020 there will be a self-enforced man ban. Learning to love myself and my own company. Stop relying on others for my emotional fixes.

Come and join us on the happy singletons board if you think you'd like to be a happy singleton!

Are there any singles groups you can join. Hiking, walking, dangerous sports (not sure what your hobbies are).
It’s very difficult to seem upbeat when your not feeling it so readers online may be picking up on your anxiety and loneliness.
Are you close to your mum? Can you both go out to visit places? Country walks. Admittedly it’s not great weather at present.

Something I read on another MN thread: “the best revenge is a life well lived”. (Sorry can’t remember who said it but it’s excellent.)

This sentiment might help you to let people who treated you badly in the past STAY in your past, and free you to focus on living your best life?

Sounds like you need a couple of new friends to do things with so that each week you have something fun to look forward to. Going dancing, a partner in crime for attempting Zumba classes, language classes, having a laugh, going to a comedy club, volunteering. You can ask people you don’t know that well. Don’t need to wait for people to ask you. Some of them might say no but you might be surprised. Or go along alone with an open mind and positive attitude. The story you tell about your life in your OP is quite negative and I am sure you could tell it in a different way and focus on the positives. But it’s hard to do when energy is low, I know.

Gratitude journal is great idea, I love mine, I love reading back through it and reminding myself of what things made me happy (I write down 3 things that went well / made me happy each day). (A lot of them are food related - eg on a bad day I might write down that I had a lovely dinner or my favourite sandwich for lunch or made apple crumble or whatever! But still.)

PP are right, people are less likely to fall in love with someone who doesn’t love themselves, or isn’t happy with themselves. I recommend counselling / therapy if budget allows to give a safe space to air these feelings, talking always helps. Good luck!

I'm in a similar situation in that I'm single and I would prefer not to be I get that it's hard when everyone else seems to have what you want a husband, a nice home, holidays together and so on but you do have to remember that the grass isn't always greener and a lot of couples who are married are unhappily married and probably envying us our single status! You just have to trust that when you meet the right man for you it will all happen for you whatever age you might both be and until then focus on being happy just being you living your life one day at a time