Wondering when life will give me a break

[INXS998]

Apologies if I seem whiny and I am aware that many people have it a lot worse.
I was bullied for the entire duration of school, not really in uni luckily just the odd comment, it's happened in a couple of jobs though, I left my old job at Xmas where my manager called me a liar twice even though there was no proof of me ever lying about anything there, or any reason for me to lie to her. She then told me I was really selfish to go for another job, and ignored me when I gave my notice. She was friendly on the last day but it was too late.
I luckily got out of an abusive relationship 5 years ago, where I was bullied daily, slapped, shoved and threatened with more severe violence, and he once tried to force me to sleep with him.
I've never met the right man, it's partially my own fault for choosing the sort of men I chose.
Last summer met someone who I thought was the love of my life, but he cheated on me and left me for someone else. They are still together, and I still miss him every day. I've had 1 or 2 dates which didn't go anywhere, so many men just don't reply though. Matched with an old school friend and he just ignored my message.
I have a touch of social anxiety too, feel self conscious when I go into the town centre or whatever, wonder if people will be talking about me or wondering why i'm always alone.
I have a few lovely friends but they either live too far or are settled down. Had to get rid of a couple of male 'friends' last year who were using me as an ego boost.
Spent yet another weekend alone.
Sorry for the long rant, I feel like I have 'treat me like dirt' written on my forehead. Just waiting for it to all 'fall into place' but it probably never will. Feel like my parents get on better with my brother too because he's not as quiet as me.

When I’m feeling really down and wishing I wasn’t here, I go for a long walk outdoors and it does help. Another thing that helped was reading about ambiguous grief. I hear a lot about how I should be thankful, but then I feel like I’m being unreasonable to be sad about all my bad luck - finding out that ambiguous grief is a thing helped me feel validated in my sadness. www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2019/06/how-be-okay-being-single/590854/

That's interesting @Ritascornershop I do think depression is basically because you are experiencing a kind of grief

I read Johann Hari’s book, Lost Connections, recently and he says a variety of factors are usually present. A job where you feel disrespected and unfulfilled, a lack of a feeling of support within your family or friends, a disconnect from nature, and a lack of healthy values (so focusing too much on consumer goods for example).

I am broken-hearted that I can’t afford to keep the home I raised my kids in, I have anxiety from my kids’ dad being verbally abusive for years & then being bullied at work, and recently the man I thought was the love of my life broke my heart (by inexplicably turning into a jealous monster overnight and over nothing). But people insist “oh, but you’ve got your health!” & “you’re lucky to be employed” & “at least you’ve still got your looks” & “got to look on the bright side, incha!” till I feel like screaming.

The article I linked to introduced me to the idea of having ambiguous grief - in my case I’m grieving the loss of an idea, the idea that I’ll ever be in a loving, long-term relationship. So I go for a lot of long walks and I try to figure out a more positive way to make a living. I think, in my case, those will help somewhat. And allowing that it’s reasonable to feel sad and ignore the emotion police!

Forget men. Focus on yourself. Do what makes you happy, watching films, your hobbies, whatever it is that you like. INXS998 do you have a job ?

You don't know that @Ritascornershop, that you won't ever have a long term loving relationship

@stillsexystillsingle - I’ve found it too draining to keep having hope. I’ve been living on my own for 15 years now, and just the one relationship in that time. It’s hard to give up hope, but it’s worse to keep peering around, hoping to meet a fella who’s interested.