Aibu to want to cut ties with my mother

[charmers2501]

Long story, will try to shorten it down. Now In late 30s, my mother was always very strict with me as a child, excessive punishment such as standing in corner of room through the night with no sleep, severe beatings etc, dont want to go into that too much as it upsets me still. Anyway, she had a shit childhood, I put it down to that and blocked most of it out. Have managed to maintain what I thought was quite a good relationship considering. I'd even moved back to the area shes in to be nearer her.
Have another 2 sisters. One has no contact with mother at all for last 6 years. The other is the golden child. I get on equally well with both. Because I talk to the black sheep sister my mother says I'm disloyal. She says the reason she doesnt come round to mine is in case this other sister turns up even though I've said this would not be the case.
I have a young daughter who wants to see nanny and when I mentioned this to my mum this is the reason she gave for not coming round. That black sheep lives nearby and therefore she wont come to my house. I got really annoyed and told her she was being ridiculous and that she was making her granddaughter miss out on seeing her and vice versa because black sheep lives in the same town. Then she said "well this is the consequences of your decisions". I did shout at her at this point, again about being bloody ridiculous and I cant believe she actually said this next bit, "I'm the adult, you're the child" and then whatever else it was.
I just thought then thats how she actually sees things, she wants to control and punish like she did when I was a child and now I argue back she doesnt like it. She has stopped my dad talking to me also, she said he agrees but hes 83 and she led him a dogs life for years. He was constantly covered in bruises and cuts.
My mum is in her 50s.
She makes out I'm the bad one and yet I've not actually done anything wrong.
She lives a few miles down the road and hasnt seen her granddaughter for 3 months, no phone call or contact. It's like another way to punish me by ignoring my daughter.
3 days ago she text my partner and said her and dad had been talking and would like to meet him to have a talk. It's probably that I'm such a bitch. My birthday was yesterday, no card, no call, and worse thing not even from my other sister the golden child. It's like shes poisoning family against me when I'm just trying to talk to all my family. I've had enough of it all.

She clearly doesn’t care about you, so don’t care about her. I know it’s easier said than done, I too unfortunately have a mother from hell also

I've been feeling less stress with no contact but when you see most other friends etc seeing their mums and going for cuppas and getting calls it just hurts. Makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong.

From what I have read do you really want such a toxic person in your child’s life? I wouldn’t

@charmers2501 I know it’s painful. I just wish I had someone to talk to for motherly advice.

She is an a horrible, abusive person and there is no way around it. Unfortunately she will never change. She is trying to control you and like PP said, do you really want someone like that in your DD's life?
She abused you, your siblings and your father.
Your poor "black sheep" sister as well, it must be awful for her too.
Please listen to your head over your heart. You say you've had less stress without her, cut her out!
And do not agree to your partner meeting them, it's just her trying to get even more control!
I'm so sorry OP she sounds truly awful and you deserve better.
Maybe you can foster more of a relationship with your isolated sister? You said she lives nearby?

Oh and just to add, if she can so easily do that to her granddaughter as well then she is proving who she really is. Some people are just not nice people.
Free yourself and your daughter x

You have mentioned your mum but how does your dad fit in this? You mention he text your DP to arrange for he and your mum to meet with him.

Why are you trying to salvage a relationship. She sounds like such a cow. Go nc like your other sister it sounds like it’s the best thing to do and if she misses out on your child’s life then that’s her doing, you aren’t stopping her. And plus why would you want your child around a woman who did awful things to you as a child and who later on down the line will almost definitely recruit her into the poisonous gang.

What farmertom wrote.

Women like OPs mother's cannot do relationships at all so the men in their lives are often as abusive as they are or are discarded. He is really both her enabler and secondary abuser here. He is a weak bystander of a man who has also failed to protect OP or her siblings from the excesses of his wife's behaviour.

If you know your dad is "covered in bruises and cuts" caused by your mum and she abused you as a child, why on earth would you want this woman around your child anyway?!

Your mother should be jailed and you should really be pursuing that.

The idea that you actually want her to have any contact with your daughter is concerning also.

This person is evil. Yet she is giving you an out and you aren’t taking it.

You must cut all contact and you must report her to the police for her abuse of you and of your father. You have a responsibility to prevent her from continuing to hurt others and you must keep your daughter away from her at all times.

Sorry I missed the part where your dad is 83 and he is injured too. I would go NC and stop trying to encourage a relationship between an abusive woman and your DC

I would have to cut ties with her for her own safety
If my mother spoke to me like that I'd want to beat the shit out of her

NC with your mother. I know its hard but she's a child abuser and so shouldnt have any contact with your daughter anyway. Call your local adult social care department if she has been abusive to your father. They can investigate and take appropriate action.

such as standing in corner of room through the night with no sleep, severe beatings etc

this is one of the most horrible things I have ever read on here.

I cannot understand why you would want anything to do with this woman. Nor inflict her upon your innocent daughter.

Your mother hasn't changed. I hope you can see that NC is the only way you will be happy. Have you had counselling? It may give you the strength to get away from her and be glad that you did.

I would go NC and nurture the relationship with "the black sheep" sister. I definitely wouldn't be letting my child anywhere near your abusive mother and enabling father and sister.

Of course she sees you as a child because whatever she does to you your response is to crave her attention.
If an acquaintance treated you this way you would block them. Biology is random. You may be her daughter but she is not your mother in any meaning of the word.
Cut yourself free and live a happy, stress free life.

She sounds unbelievably toxic. What does your partner say?

The way you talk about the black sheep and golden child, I think you already know your mother is a narcissist. And where there's a narc mother, there's a weak enabling father. He chose this life for himself and allowed the abuse to happen. You owe him nothing.

Get away from them and whatever you do, don't expose your child to the monster that is your mother. Get therapy and develop your relationship with your 'black sheep' sister.

I would love your DH to meet with them, and tell them what shit parents they are!

I think after reading all the comments it has confirmed how I feel. I just have been trying to make excuses as I do know she had a terribly abusive childhood. Stabbed in the face by her stepfather at 8, no bed, made to look after her younger brothers and sisters from age 6. I know it affected her badly and she had a breakdown about 5 years ago and was hospitalised for a few months. I tried to put it all down to that but never could understand why she would treat me as she did. I was the eldest and I got the brunt of everything. One day and this really sticks in my head and upsets me even now, I was 10 and my sister was 6 or 7. We had gone to her friends for tea, we were running round in the garden playing hide and seek. All good. Went home a few hours later. Mum made us sit on kitchen floor. Have you had a nice day. Yes mum, Loved the cake and such a big garden etc. Then in that nice voice still. Which shoe shall i choose. Me, thinking another game. Mine, mine. Ok, take it off then. She then proceeded to beat me and my sister with it, me especially and my skin turned almost black and dark purple from my neck down to my ankles. This is because we had shown her up by making too much noise at her friends.
I'm bloody crying typing that. It gets me every time I think about it.
Yes we did have some good times, we had holidays and stuff, but any punishments were always so excessive to me. She stopped hitting me when I got to 14 and shed ripped half my hair out and bashed my head into the wall because I'd been smoking. I raised my hand to her and although I didnt hit her back I said if she ever hit me again then I would. I waisnt a bad child, I was too nervous to be one but you'd think I was the worst.
I tried to put it all down to her childhood and so I've always tried to maintain a relationship but I found an article a few days ago called my narcissistic mother and my mum ticked so many of the boxes.
I realised that she still sees me as some sort of child and that she thinks this is some sort of control and her punishment thus time is not seeing my daughter but it's my fault because I'm disloyal by talking to my sister. So this is the consequences of my actions that she was talking about.
I'm a very peaceable person. With my dad, it was domestic abuse but it wasn't realised back then. Hes not living with her now, hes in sheltered housing but she still has her claws in and hes afraid of her I think. I want to phone him but he will tell her and then she will probably start bitching and going on at him so I've not called him.
Sorry, I'm using you all as counsellors but ive never really talked to anyone. It makes me feel guilty despite everything. I just want a normal mum who phones me up or who I can go and have a cuppa with, like on tv. Makes me sound like such an idiot to say that but with my daughter I want her to feel that she can come to me with anything and I want to be that mum that she can just turn up one day when shes older just for any reason or no reason.
I actually think my mum has gone in the head sometimes.

Saying all this though I've never had any problems with how she has treated my daughter. She is a good nan and my daughter adores her. It's like 2 different people. I dont really get what that's all about.

Bear in mind that your friends’ mums are not like your mum. I can’t picture in my mind have a nice cup of coffee and a chat with my mum and she was far from being as abusive as yours was. No matter how much effort you put on getting well with your mum, that is NOT a relationship you can realistically expect to have with her at all.

See yourself as an abused married woman who is totally unable to leave the man who abuses her because she is so use to the situation she cannot imagine life can be better than what she has. She has learned to try to please the guy as her safety and peace of mind depend on it, she walks on eggshells and follow stupid rules, because the moment she puts a toe out of line, she is in trouble. That’s the relationship you have with your mum, it is not normal, won’t get better, it is ruining your life, you need to find the courage to break free from that. Whatever it takes, it is not only about your sisters.

Ps. Do you behave towards your DD the way your mum behaved towards you? She had a bad childhood, but she choose to pass the misery on, she could be a nice mum to you, the way she is a nice granny to your DD, she chose not to.

Your mother is an extremely damaged and dysfunctional person, you should keep away from her and try to heal from your own very damaging childhood, I would really suggest looking into some therapy.
It may well be the case that your mother is so damaged she can't help the way she behaves but that doesn't mean that you you should put yourself in harms way
you must focus on your own well-being and protect yourself from her, she's too toxic you cannot trust her, you must protect yourself and your children from her.

She treats your daughter well because that's a way of drawing you in so that you will come close and she can attack you
Your daughter is just a lever that she can pull to get at you
If she treats someone well it's because she wants to draw them in so that she can attack.
This may be instinct rather than consciously thought out but either way this is not a person who is good to have in your life
You have to get rid, she will never turn into their mother that you want and need, she will only ever crush you and she will only get worse as she gets older