Aibu to want to cut ties with my mother

[charmers2501]

Long story, will try to shorten it down. Now In late 30s, my mother was always very strict with me as a child, excessive punishment such as standing in corner of room through the night with no sleep, severe beatings etc, dont want to go into that too much as it upsets me still. Anyway, she had a shit childhood, I put it down to that and blocked most of it out. Have managed to maintain what I thought was quite a good relationship considering. I'd even moved back to the area shes in to be nearer her.
Have another 2 sisters. One has no contact with mother at all for last 6 years. The other is the golden child. I get on equally well with both. Because I talk to the black sheep sister my mother says I'm disloyal. She says the reason she doesnt come round to mine is in case this other sister turns up even though I've said this would not be the case.
I have a young daughter who wants to see nanny and when I mentioned this to my mum this is the reason she gave for not coming round. That black sheep lives nearby and therefore she wont come to my house. I got really annoyed and told her she was being ridiculous and that she was making her granddaughter miss out on seeing her and vice versa because black sheep lives in the same town. Then she said "well this is the consequences of your decisions". I did shout at her at this point, again about being bloody ridiculous and I cant believe she actually said this next bit, "I'm the adult, you're the child" and then whatever else it was.
I just thought then thats how she actually sees things, she wants to control and punish like she did when I was a child and now I argue back she doesnt like it. She has stopped my dad talking to me also, she said he agrees but hes 83 and she led him a dogs life for years. He was constantly covered in bruises and cuts.
My mum is in her 50s.
She makes out I'm the bad one and yet I've not actually done anything wrong.
She lives a few miles down the road and hasnt seen her granddaughter for 3 months, no phone call or contact. It's like another way to punish me by ignoring my daughter.
3 days ago she text my partner and said her and dad had been talking and would like to meet him to have a talk. It's probably that I'm such a bitch. My birthday was yesterday, no card, no call, and worse thing not even from my other sister the golden child. It's like shes poisoning family against me when I'm just trying to talk to all my family. I've had enough of it all.

Your mother may have had a terrible childhood OP, but as a PP said she chose to pass it on to you and your sisters. You also had a terrible childhood (the incidents you describe here are appalling) but you would never dream of hurting your child, like your mother did to you. That's the difference.

She may appear to be a good nan but two things to bear in mind:

1. She's a narc controlling the situation to get the best outcome for herself. As your DD gets older, she will paint herself as the caring grandma and feed poison about you to your child in order to drive a wedge between you. Don't let her do it.

1. You know this woman is abusive and is capable of beating small children. You don't know when she might snap at your DD. It is not safe to have her around her.

Please do get therapy and post on the Stately Homes thread in the Relationships board. There are lots of people there who can relate

My DP could be your brother! He went NC for about 5 years and it worked very well. She came back into our lives by chance and she has changed a little as in now I nip things in the bud and shes well aware we will go NC if we have to. I do understand her childhood and first marriage shaped her outlook and behaviour but it doesn't mean anyone has to accept.it. Feel sorry for your dad too. I can see she wouldn't harm your DD, it generally doesnt work like that with grandchildren however for your own sanity you may want to go NC. I would be happy if DP did again.

So you are choosing not to contact your vulnerable father to appease your toxic dm.
So you're punishing him.
Read that to yourself.
Yes he should have protected you but he was a victim too.

So you are choosing not to contact your vulnerable father to appease your toxic dm.
So you're punishing him.
Read that to yourself.
Yes he should have protected you but he was a victim too.

No, no, no, no. You clearly have no idea how narcissists and their enablers operate.

OP and her sisters were the vulnerable ones. What was their father doing when their mother was beating them and making them stand in the corner all night long with no sleep? The father was happy for his kids to take the abuse so he'd get an easier ride. He prioritised his wife over his children consistently. It's what these enablers do, and people really need to stop making excuses for them. To contact him now would only open up another avenue of attack for OP's mother, as you can guarantee he'd tell her.

OP, please do not take that ridiculous comment to heart. You have done nothing wrong.

OP, I don’t say this lightly, but if I was you I would kick your mother’s head in.

I would kick your mother's head in
It may be tempting to attack her but she would take that as a grounds to retaliate and she would make sure that she hit you far harder than you hit her, she will want to dominate you at all costs
Remove yourself from her life completely, block any avenue via which she can interact with you or make her presence known at all

OP my situation literally mirrors yours.
I am now nc after my mum told me she didn't want to talk to me but only difference is I am the black sheep.
She kept saying I can't speak to you anymore in a condescending blaming voice as if I was some big problem for her. She'd been just like your mother for my whole life and somehow her saying to me She could no longer speak to me anymore was a relief.

She was actually trying to manipulate me into begging for forgiveness and not to cut me off but I realised there and then I cba and said sure that's ok with me and she kept saying well it's not my fault you're so difficult to talk to etc and I held my ground and said that's ok no problem matter of factly, after a few more attempts at getting me to bite my mum sighed a realllly long sigh down the phone to which I cheerfully said oh gosh is that the time well I hope you find your peace mother goodbye.

That was a year ago and sure as soon as I got off the phone I cried and cried and cried. But a year on all I feel is relief. She's phoned me once in that time and I haven't heard from my sisters and have now blocked them. I haven't blocked my mum, basically to prove she's a dick. One random call in a year is enough proof for me that's not what I think family should look like!

Anyway you need to work out your own boundaries. When will you allow her to cross them what is reasonable to you.
My mother has since gone on to create HELL for me behind my back. She has reached out to anyone in my life from years and years ago to tell them how awful I am.
I still am so happy I went nc. I don't really tell anyone I have done I just brush it off as I don't see her much because we don't get on. My weak father has followed her ideas and I haven't heard from him since either.

My life is free. Free from the control put upon me from the hassle of a toxic family. Your sisters are also toxic and I would suggest your family unit comes as one as if you don't cut all of them off you feed this situation one way or another. Again go back to how you want these boundaries to look like and also think of what role models you want in your dc life. This helped me. My young dd understands my mother hurt me and that's why we don't see her anymore, I will tell my dd when she's old enough the truth. Don't get me wrong it has been so so hard but I have been rewarded by peace in my own life and can put one foot in front of the other knowing no mental emotional torture is coming my way anytime soon.

Thanks for all your comments, with regards to dad, hes 83, frail and I'm not about to let mum give him grief when he let's slip that I've called him.
I get on well with both my sisters. One has been nc with mum for 6 years as she was treated very badly too, my other sister was always the favourite and she doesnt even know most of what went on, it's not her fault that she is the favourite and shes not nasty with it. She just has no issue with my mum because mum has always for the most part been ok with her. Its mad, this is the naughty rebel sister as well.
I've been thinking long today and I've decided I'm going to put everything in a letter which I may or may not send. I'm also going to try and get some counselling. I know its not and never has been my fault but it doesn't stop you feeling gutted I suppose.
I'm going to focus on my daughter and making sure I never make her feel how my mum makes me feel.
Im also going to continue seeing "black sheep" sister and if mum doesny poison her then continue to see golden sister too.
With regards to partner, he is standing by whatever decision I make.
At the end of it all though I've just got to remember that I've never stopped her seeing her granddaughter because that will be the next thing. She says it about black sheeps son all the time but I dont see why I should stop talking to black sheep to please her. This is my "consequences".

I don't think your DD will benefit from seeing your M. She shouldn't have to see you being affected by your M's treatment of you. Focusing on her is absolutely the right way to go. NC will make you feel better and perhaps you can spend time with good friends or black sheep sister with regards to the tea with mum situations that you crave.

With me - as my daughter grew up I began to see that how I was treated wasn’t right. I got counselling and I needed someone to explain to me that what happened to me wasn’t normal and wasn’t my fault. I hope you are able to get counselling too and find a way to move on - you deserve better x

Christ I could have wrote your post OP. Firstly. Block the horrible nasty piece of work that is your mother. I finally decided to not tolerate my 'd' Ms shit in my early 30s and I can tell you it was the best decision I've ever made.

My mother also claimed she had a terrible childhood, and thats why she was abuosve to me. Either that, or it was my fault for being a terrible daughter and human being.

The reality is, my mother disliked me from the moment she could no longer control me. She expected a perfect child who was a mind reader and when I failed, was punished, hit round the head with a stick, thrown out onto the streets at 14, whilst the golden child, only left home aged 40ffs. She also favoured neices and nephews and enjoyed showing me how much she wish they were her children, not me.

She loved my abusive exH. I always suspected it was because she believed he would keep me down, in my place and she enjoyed that.

Well, no fucking more! I decided after the straw broke the camels back, to go NC and I haven't looked back. For over 10 years I've not heard a peep, until I had my DC and, guess what!? She wants to be in touch. So reluctantly I meet with my DF (also treated like yours) and DH tells him a full apology was in order. Later that day, a text starting, were sorry, followed by abuse that it was my fault they behaved like that.

Here's the thing you need remember, and what I told them after that, 'I will not allow you to blame me for how you behaved when I was a child, do not contact me again or it will be considered harrasment and reported to the relevant authorities'

Life is good again. The witch is back in her own home where she can't reached me or my DC.

@floralcushion sorry to read your post, and I could have written it
When my mother couldn't get to me direct, she started contacting others around me, on Facebook telling them 'we are estranged for reasons unbeknown to me..' thankfully all the people she contacted knew the real reason and either ignored her or told her she was blocked because she was a toxic narcissist and to not contact them again.

My life is free
the best outcome:) it sounds like you handled it really well floralcushion

You had a terribly abusive childhood.

“ At the end of it all though I've just got to remember that I've never stopped her seeing her granddaughter because that will be the next thing. ”

But that is what you must do. The woman is not safe to be around children.