Would you be hurt/upset if your bloke did this?

[snoozebird]

He didn't come to bed last night. When I woke up at 8am, he was dicking around with settings on his computer, really narky and drunk. He stayed up until 11am, despite me telling him to go to bed.

It's now nearly 9pm and he's still in bed. I'd asked if he was going to be up in time for dinner and he said yes, but obviously can't be arsed to get up.

I know it's not normal behaviour, but am I just being petty about being pissed off with him? We don't have kids and we didn't have plans to do anything in particular today, so there's not much of a reason for him to get up.

Would you have woken him up? Or just let him get on with it?

He stayed up drinking til 11am? On his own? Is this his usual behaviour?
I'd be pissed off at having my OH in bed all day while I was up and about, but if it's out of sorts I'd probably be asking him if he's okay?

That's really odd. Staying up till 3am drinking on your own is one thing, but 11am??? And then sleeping all day and the next evening?

I wouldn't know what to say as can't imagine my partner ever doing it.

What is the point in you living with a man like this? He isn't a partner, is he?

Is he ok? This is like something I do when I’m not very well mentally.

Is he on drugs? How did was he physically able to stay up to 11am??? Not normal behaviour at all! Especially doing so on your own!!

He is depressed and on medication. He's done something similar about three other times in the last year.

@HollowTalk, that is pretty much how I feel. I just doubt myself, I guess. He's a grown man and can choose how he spends his days, and I then feel like a nag when I complain about it.

Well if he is depressed and on medication then clearly he’s having a shitty time and I would say you should be more supportive. But I don’t know anything about your relationship in general, and what you mean when you say he was “really narky”. Having depression isn’t an excuse to be nasty to the people around you.

If he is in medication for depression, he shouldn’t be drinking. Wonder if that’s why he has managed to stay in bed all day (check the instructions of the medicines for possible side effects)

Ps: I wouldn’t have bothered waking him up...instead I’d have made plans and made sure I wasn’t there when he woke up. Don’t pause your life for him! Xxx

@Nifflernancy, he was irritable because whatever he was trying to do on the computer wasn't working. He grunted at me when I said good morning and snapped 'leave me alone' when I asked why he was still up.

He shouldn't be drinking with the ADs, but he does.

@Elmer83, I think he'll just stay in bed until morning now. Last time, that's what happened and I slept in the sofa because I didn't want to be near him.

I wonder if he is bipolar. It's not uncommon during a manic phase for a person to become quite obsessed with something and stay up all night, sometimes all day too, 'working' on it. Please don't think I'm doing an amateur diagnosis, it's just a thought but I am particularly close to someone with BPD who is like that at times.

Of course he shouldn't drink whilst on meds but I doubt he'll come to any harm.

It can be hard living with someone like that but I expect he has some very good times.

Do your own thing, get on with your life.

Husband gets about 2ish hours play time in his PS4 then it’s turned off. He’s on it maybe twice a week at the maximum. I’d personally go mad.

Is there really any point being in a relationship with this man? Spending the weekend on your own. Don’t you want more out of life. There’s that phrase “better to be alone than to be badly accompanied”

I wouldn't be hurt exactly, more worried.

The old I am a twat but will blame my depression scenario.. Yabu to accept this is your life.
Ime...

Husband gets about 2ish hours play time in his PS4 then it’s turned off. He’s on it maybe twice a week at the maximum. I’d personally go mad.

You've written this as if your husband is actually your child

Can you imagine a happier life without him?

Do you know someone who has a very healthy and happy marriage? Do you think either of those people would put up with this?

I would be almost certain he is taking cocaine, or something similar. Not many people can stay up all night just drinking. I would of let him in bed and gone out all day.

@FernBritanica, what would you do with that worry?

@loopery and @Whynosnowyet, I think you might be right.

The thing is that he's depressed and on medication but doing everything possible to stop himself getting better. One of the first things a doctor says is that you should get enough sleep. The second is that you shouldn't drink on medication, or certainly not binge-drink.

Why should you have to put up with the side-effects of his deliberately mismanaged depression?

@HollowTalk, you're speaking a lot of sense. I've tried so hard to be supportive and helpful, and feel guilty about reaching the end of my patience. It's not like he's attacking me or anything, and other commenters saying they would be worried and want to know he's okay just add to that guilt. Am I being heartless in being fed up?

Difficult- I'd say YANBU to being fed up, YABU in expecting him to be different if he's suffering depression-
I think you have to decide whether you want this?

Alcohol is a natural depressant. His Dr will have told him to abstain from drinking to give himself the best chance of fighting his depression. He has made a conscious decision to ignore medical advice. I am aware depression is a real issue but ignoring Dr is Twatism.
Ime with exh.

Ex...

@Whynosnowyet Did he make a 'conscious' decision, considering he's suffering with his MH? Possibly not..
Depression is so complex, if it were as easy as a GP saying 'here's a pill, make yourself better' then there wouldn't be hundreds of different types of AD's, millions of thereapists, treatments, courses, books etc - if only it were that easy. It does however need to start with the person wanting to be well (a battle in itself when it comes to MH) then fully entering into a treatment process, possibly after many attempts at finding the correct meds, getting the right course of treatment....it's so hard.
Your not being unreasonable at being fed up OP, your OH doesn't sound like he's showing any willingness to be well atm and that's almost impossible to live with- you can't help someone who wont help themselves.
I think you need to sit down at some point with him and have a very real conversation about how your being affected, make or break might be what he needs to hear, it might also be what you need to decide to do?

Played pool every week. Pissed afterwards. Played golf evey week. Pissed afterwards. Pre planed drinking sessions. Home and would take sleeping pills. Usually woke up the next evening. Making me worry if he would wake up at all.
Why should my mh have had to suffer also?