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Original poster

Partner of 7 years cheated 3 years ago

34 replies

jlh932 · 25/01/2020 13:59

I found out my partner of 7 years cheated on me 3 years ago. I did the worst thing and went through his old phone and found messages with a girl he used to work with that suggested he wanted to leave me for her. I remember we did go through a rough patch at the time, but we managed to work through it and stayed together. I was never suspicious there may have been someone else involved even though he used to talk about this girl all the time. I just accepted they were good work friends.

We’ve since gone on to buy a house together and even got engaged. I’m torn whether to confront him because it was so long ago and I found out by completely invading his privacy. But he thinks he got away with it so what if his head gets turned again and does the same when we’re married?

I think I could forget about it and move on but I want him to know he didn’t get away with it. Any advice would be very much appreciated.

OP posts:
williams345 · 25/01/2020 14:02

I've been threw this but the opposite way around,
Definitely confront him ! Talk about things and move forward.
You sound very mature. You can get through this I did this to my DH and thankfully he's forgiven me

abracadabra1234 · 25/01/2020 14:04

Hi op I have been in your situation with my ex . I would 100 percent confront him . My ex continued numerous affairs with free new girls from work . It might of been a one time
Thing for your boyfriend tho but I wouldn't want him thinking he can do it again when the time gets hard again because it will . And he might think I can have some fun because I didn't get caught out the last time x

Emma123batmab · 25/01/2020 14:04

You should tell him. It will always come out.

williams345 · 25/01/2020 14:08

Can I ask why you looked threw his phone anyway ? Did you not always trust him ?

Original poster
jlh932 · 25/01/2020 14:13

We went through a bit of a tough time again before Christmas but seem to be back on track now. I wanted to know more than anything if he had confided in mates and told them what was going on in his head and whether he had regretted the proposal and no longer wanted to be with me. But I scrolled too far and found these messages from 2016.

I will have to tell him I know about it, but don’t want him to think I don’t trust him.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 25/01/2020 14:16

I would tell him you've been told he cheated on you with X when they worked together, that you've been told they can provide evidence if required and you want the whole truth from him.

If he denies... it's not worth staying with him.

I'd ask him how it started.
How long
Did he want to end your relationship.
How it ended

booboo24 · 25/01/2020 14:19

God how awful for you I'm so sorry. I completely agree with SandyY2K and I hope he gives you the answers you deserve

Whynosnowyet · 25/01/2020 14:21

I have been with dh for 7 years..
If I was in your shoes I would be packing his stuff now not on mn...

RLEOM · 25/01/2020 14:37

Get an STI check.

Confront him.

I'd consider leaving. A leopard doesn't change its spots. Every time you have a rough patch, you'll be wondering if he's doing it again. I couldn't cope with it tbh, but you might be able to. If so, hats off to you.

TheQueef · 25/01/2020 14:40

Get digging.
There will be more.
Sorry he's a prick Flowers

ticking · 25/01/2020 14:42

He is probably a serial cheater - it's fairly classic when you think you are having a bad patch, it's because his mind/thoughts are elsewhere....

Red flags are all over this, I'd move on.

Bluebutterfly90 · 25/01/2020 14:48

Does it matter if he thinks you don't trust him? You shouldn't trust him- he cheated!

I say confront him, but I'm a believer in 'once a cheater always a cheater'. Which I know not everyone agrees with. Even if you want to get over it, he has to be honest about it first.

baubled · 25/01/2020 14:50

I wouldn't worry about him thinking you don't trust him because he's the one who's proved that he isn't trustworthy!

MsDogLady · 25/01/2020 15:11

I...don’t want him to think I don’t trust him.

You shouldn’t trust him. He cheated and lied. You now know what he is capable of. I would follow Sandy’s advice.

Lozzerbmc · 25/01/2020 15:35

Think Sandy totally correct. Good luck!

PicsInRed · 25/01/2020 16:30

I think you went looking because you had a sense of what that "bad patch" over Christmas meant. PP is right, he's a serial cheat.

Don't have kids with him.

This is a gift, you'll realise in time. You have been given a 2nd chance at a happy, less complicated life.

Break this engagement - you'll eventually look on that as the positive turning point in your life.

AmelieTaylor · 25/01/2020 16:34

We went through a bit of a tough time again before Christmas but seem to be back on track now. I wanted to know more than anything if he had confided in mates and told them what was going on in his head and whether he had regretted the proposal and no longer wanted to be with me. But I scrolled too far and found these messages from 2016

Either say that to him, OR ‘Colleagues Name - I know & I’m giving you ONE chance to tell me Everything About That & any others.’

See what he says. Either way, the relationship you had has gone. From here on in you have to decide if YOU want to build a new relationship with him.

Personally I would NEVER put myself through it again. It was more soul destroying than the actual affair. I left him in the end, but after two (wasted) years of trying to convince myself I could ‘get past it’

Given you’re probably already wondering if he was cheating on you before Christmas - ask yourself if you really want to live like this?

.

Obligatorync · 25/01/2020 16:34

I was all fine just discussing it until I read about the newer rough patch.

I wouldn't bother trying to fix this.

MakeMineALargeProsecco · 25/01/2020 17:18

I waited a long time to confront exDP - (had likely PND & sick child at the time).

It ate away at me; I never trusted him again.

When I did confront him, it was all lies & did not tie in with the messages I'd seen - in fact there were 2 OW 😣- and probably more. He denied, manipulated & didn't take ownership. There was no honesty, apology or remorse.

I wish I'd confronted him at the time as I wasted years with him.

cabbageking · 25/01/2020 17:31

He has messages from this women from 3 years ago that suggest he may have wanted to leave you?

Why would he leave this evidence on his phone and could you be reading something into this? Could it have been just talk? a supportive shoulder?

Why are you looking at his phone now and going back over his history?

Have you already decided he is guilty?

mamato3lads · 25/01/2020 18:50

Why would you care if he thinks you dont trust him? My advice is very much NOT to trust him, he's been up to something.

Confront him.

Heartburn888 · 25/01/2020 22:45

The main issue here is that he has cheated not that you went through an old phone.

Defo confront him, but id be thinking about what the future would hold. He could have come out and admitted to you but he didn’t and you mention in your op you had no idea he was doing this. What’s to say he hasn’t done it since if you were non the wiser the first time round?

Really sorry you’re having to go through this Flowers

category12 · 25/01/2020 22:51

Seriously you "scrolled back too far" by 3 years? Hmm

It's very likely he'll cheat again.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 25/01/2020 22:51

I don't think you can sweep this one under thr carpet tbh. Every time you have a tough patch you will end up paranoid

dontgobaconmyheart · 26/01/2020 07:44

You shouldn't trust him OP- you literally KNOW he is a cheater, and a liar. Why is 'invading his privacy' worse than him lying to your fave, betraying you, and endangering your health by sharing sexual partners without letting you know.

I would tell him someone told me, they have proof- he'll probably continue to lie and you'll see exactly who he still is. He shouldn't be getting a free pass because it was a few years ago Confused. That doesn't make it less worth bothering with, Its worse that he cheated and lied and thought he'd got away with it- he'll probably do it again since he did.

Come on OP, he wanted to leave you for her- hardly a small indiscretion is it. Presumably he would have if it were on the table in a way that benefitted him.

Get a sexual health screening Flowers