Partner of 7 years cheated 3 years ago

[jlh932]

I found out my partner of 7 years cheated on me 3 years ago. I did the worst thing and went through his old phone and found messages with a girl he used to work with that suggested he wanted to leave me for her. I remember we did go through a rough patch at the time, but we managed to work through it and stayed together. I was never suspicious there may have been someone else involved even though he used to talk about this girl all the time. I just accepted they were good work friends.

We’ve since gone on to buy a house together and even got engaged. I’m torn whether to confront him because it was so long ago and I found out by completely invading his privacy. But he thinks he got away with it so what if his head gets turned again and does the same when we’re married?

I think I could forget about it and move on but I want him to know he didn’t get away with it. Any advice would be very much appreciated.

Shit!!!
This wasn't a drunken indiscretion that he didn't tell you about, but a full blown affair.

Was it iMessages that you found? Something that could be somewhere other than his mobile? I wouldn't tell him how you know, just that you know. Ask him the questions Any stated, and tell him beforehand that if he isn't honest with you from the very beginning then it is over.

Stick to your word.

Maybe read the script first to prepare yourself for performances.

I'm actually kind of appalled by people telling you to keep it to yourself because it's been so long... whether you were married or not, you were unfaithful. Both you and the other individual have the right to know who the other person is that they are potentially marrying, the good, the bad, and the ugly. That includes mistakes made even if you're "just dating". It's especially important then because dating is like an audition for something more serious.

With accurate information about each other, all people in relationships have the right to choose whether we want to be with the other person for who they are or not. You robbed him of that choice. It immediately makes me wonder how much of a lying snake you really are, as well as all these other people advising you to keep quiet. I immediately wonder what else do you lie about on a continual basis? I hope you realize every day you withhold the truth is another day you lie to your husband. It's called a lie by omission. You've misrepresented yourself for 7 years, so you've in essence lied to your husband about who you are for 7 years.

Let's assume for the sake of argument you've been perfect every day since. Everything you've built since that day has been based on a lie and from that lie you robbed your now husband the choice of deciding to stay with the person you truly are rather than the person you presented yourself as.

If you feel guilty, good because that guilt is letting you know that you did wrong. Will telling the truth potentially break your marriage? Indeed it might but it's still the right thing to do. You've been a coward for 7 years. Time to be an adult.

@Rumplesmokeskin her husband cheated

Sorry. Partner not husband

Also this is a thread from January.

Why on earth would you stick with this man with this knowledge?? And this instance is only because you happen to have caught him! Who knows if there's been more. Seems he took his time proposing as he was holding out for what he deemed could be a 'better' prospect coming along. And he's happy marrying you now based on a lie, knowing (or so he thinks) full well you have no idea of his cheating and the fact he's had one foot out of the relationship. If he's a cheat and a liar, no marriage can have a foundation on this.

Marriage will naturally come with downs as well as ups, including the toll of juggling children and other life situations. Why tie yourself to a man if he's already proven himself unworthy before any vows have been made. Don't make a rod for your own back. If you decide to go ahead knowing all this and it goes wrong, then you need to bear partial responsibility as you could have gotten out now.

It may well be that you went through a tough patch precisely because he was having or about to have an affair. Men often engineer fights and even temporary break ups or become difficult when there's someone else around. Then they can tell themselves, and you, that you were on a break and it wasn't working. It's the oldest trick in the book.

So which came first. The rough patch which was completely caused by you? Or the affair and the tough patch caused by him to justify it?

You’ve been together for 7 years, he cheated 4 YEARS in! I’m sorry OP but you’re playing this down quite a lot, which some could say maturity but it’s not like it happened the first month of you two seeing eachother but 4 years down the line.

I will have to tell him I know about it, but don’t want him to think I don’t trust him.

You should absolutely want him to think you don't trust him .

What are you going to say to him
"I found out you cheated 4 years ago and wanted to leave me for her but don't worry I still trust you?"