Trying (and failing) to form close relationship with inlaws

[delaney90]

Hi there, I'm really struggling with an ongoing situation and was hoping for some advice (or to feel I'm not alone in feeling this, at least). I'll try not to let my post get too long, but will try not to drip-feed either.

My in-laws (I've been with my OH for 7 years) are extremely close and OH's siblings' respective partners are also tightly knit within the family circle. Except for me.
I have Asperger's and I struggle with interpersonal relationships at the best of times - I'm not even that close to my own family. Social interactions are awkward and leave me feeling embarrassed. It's like everyone else at some point was given a guide on how to be a normal, social person, and I completely missed it.

The in-laws are nice people and really made an effort with me to start with. I was invited to everything and his two sisters really tried to befriend me. But they're extremely tactile and bubbly, whereas I'm the complete opposite. I've tried mimicking in order to be like them and form a connection but this leaves me exhausted and cringing (as I'm aware I'm being fake). Over the years their efforts have dwindled. They're also now aware that I'm Asperger's, and while they say they're understanding, this has resulted in them being almost patronising (one sister's OH now talks to me... very... very... slowly like a small child).

I can kind of ignore this and put up with it, but yesterday we were told that his sisters are going away with their other brother's girlfriend for a girly holiday in the spring. My OH asked me why I'm not going, so I said I wasn't invited and this was the first I'd heard about it. He then said "well, if you'd make more effort, you'd get invited to these things." He knows full well I struggle and why. I shot back that his family should make more effort with me. He answered that they do.

So, I'm now thinking that it's kind of 50/50 - both myself and the in-laws should make a bit more effort. I don't want to keep playing the autism card and use that as an excuse for my weirdness. I do actually want to get closer to his family, but can't help thinking that door is now closed due to 7 years of awkward interactions. Has anyone been in a similar position or have any advice on how to move forward? It would be much appreciated!

I think it's mean of them to arrange to go away without inviting you (given that they asked their other brother's girlfriend) and your partner should have stood up for you.

Step away OP. Tell your partner that you really have been trying, but you can't do it any more.

Why are you making this much effort to be friends with your boyfriends family ? It’s not compulsory!

Just hang out with your own family and friends who like you and you like them.

Life’s too short.

Thanks for your replies! I think another reason my OH expects me to make an effort, and why he's unsupportive when I'm left out of stuff, is that he believes his family are the nicest people that have ever walked the earth - why wouldn't I immediately be the best if friends with them?! Like, everyone else manages ok... But what he fails to grasp is that they're incredibly easy to befriend if you are exactly like them.

I agree that I should perhaps stop trying to make them like me and concentrate on those that already do. But it can get lonely and it's infuriating when my partner sees it as a personal attack on himself and his family.

How do you interact with your partner? He must have some traits in common with his family and you obviously get on well with him.

Do you find group gatherings more difficult? Do you have any common interests with any of them?

How much of an effort does he make with your family ? Does he go away for boys holidays with your brothers / cousins ? Does he take your great granny out shopping ?

If not, do you see it as a personal attack ?

If you are lonely you don’t need to fix that by sucking up to your Bf family who aren’t very nice to you. Unless you live on a tiny remote island you can take up new hobbies and meet like minded people there.

My partner's kind of seen as the black sheep of the family - he's quiet, more introverted and pretty geeky. He's the youngest son and doted over, even though he's now 31. He's probably the only person I feel comfortable with the majority of the time as his personality is fairly mellow and predictable. When with his family though he does come out of his shell a lot and I find myself not relating to this more "out there" personality.

Group gatherings are a nightmare! Sensory overload and too full of confusing social norms. Alas, the in-laws love group gatherings (some lasting all weekend) and I feel obliged to go.

I don't have much in common with them. If I try and talk about an interest or hobby I'll get the "oh, cool... ah! There's so-and-so, I'll catch up later" treatment.

I'm the same for the same reasons. Give me 1 on 1, and I can cope, add another person (or a group of people) and I'm socially inept.

My only advice is to try and do things with each one individually if it'll help. That way you can build a bond with all of them without the social pressure.

@SHAR0N he's very good with my family, to be honest. I only have my parents and he makes lots of effort with both. I think that's another reason I feel obliged to be close to his family.

The loneliness stems primarily from when we're with the in-laws and they're all having a good laugh and a chat and I feel like I'm simply in the room observing. Like I'm not an active part in it. I'll try and join in but I'll either get drowned out by all the big personalities or pretty much blanked. I've brought this up with OH loads of times but he just fails to see it. In his eyes, he's super quiet and yet they're fully accepting of him, so why should I find it hard?

You don’t have to socialise with him and his family all the time. Many couples just do weddings / 21st etc With each other’s family.

When he goes out with them, you can do your hobbies or see your own friends .

You didn’t answer my questions about him going away for weekends with your family .

When you say he makes an effort with your parents, what exactly does he do ?

Do your parents speak to him slowly and carefully as if he’s hard of hearing ?

I'd stop the group gatherings and ask if can you just see them all individually from time to time. Your partner can go on his own if there's a large group. Otherwise, for example, just meet up with you, him and his parents.

Do you even want to go on the girls' holiday? My idea of hell if I'm honest.

Give yourself a break. You have a decent relationship with his family. You do not have to be best friends and holiday with the in-laws.

Honestly - would you actually enjoy a ladies trip ? It doesn't sound like you would.

Nah fuck that. Life’s too short to have to force yourself to make people like you.

As long as your partner likes you that should be enough.

Would you even want to go OP or does it feel like something a 'good girlfriend' would do. Your DP's comments seem spiteful and rude and although there may be truth in them it isnt as though you don't have a legitimate cause to struggle with socialising. Is he always a dick?

It may not even be you! Other peoples families are so cliquey and the more siblings there are the worse I find that is. You really do have to play the game and act how they want to have them accept you IMO- who has the time.

Thanks again for the replies, I appreciate it :) I like the advice of keeping interactions to small groups - that'd be much easier and far less daunting.

@Apileofballyhoo do I want to go on the girls' trip? Hmmm... Good question. To be honest, no, as I know it'd be an exhausting nightmare. But I do wish I liked that kind of thing and would get invited and be, well, normal. I see the fun they have together and wish that could be me. But I know it could never be me because of who I am (if that makes sense).

@SHAR0N yep, he's been away with my family before. They didn't think twice about inviting him.

He's helped fix one of the cars, does odd bits about the house, as well as many other things. They think he's wonderful and really good for me. And no, they definitely don't patronise him at all - I'd be furious if they did!

Op I could have written this except my MIL is an horrible bully. She looks down on me and my family but reveres her daughters husband and his family. I know you want to join in and be part of it but it’s not worth the mental effort. Be polite and friendly but don’t put yourself out for anyone.

I totally understand the feeling of not being invited. It’s The story of my life even with my own family but you arrange something that you’d actually
Enjoy for the same time so you don’t have FOMO

I think I understand a bit how you feel. I struggle to rub along with my in laws. DH thinks they are the most amazing people on the planet and is very close to them. I’m just quite different to them. Like you, I’m not always the best in a group situation, and add into the mix that we are from different parts of the world and it’s not long before some sort of offence/fallout situation happens. They think I’m cold and unfeeling, which couldn’t be further from the truth, I just display it differently. I wouldn’t get invited to a girls event (but he doesn’t have brothers so I wouldn’t be left out in the same way). But it also wouldn’t be my thing and I’d find it nerve wracking that I might say/do the wrong thing (making saying/doing the wrong thing all the more likely) and I would be utterly exhausted at the end. It’s ok to be you. It’s your DP who needs to see who you really are. And as long as he has your back that’s ok

I get what you're saying but don't let your self-esteem take a battering here. You deserve the company of people who understand and value you!

So he’s never been away alone with your family. But he expects that you should go away alone with his.

You would be furious if your family patronised him. When they patronise you, he doesn’t mind.

He sees it as a personal attack when you don’t socialise with his family. You don’t think that when he doesn't go out with your parents.

He’s unsupportive of your sensory issues and problems with small talk.

You say you are an Aspie , is he NT? Because there seems to be a pattern of you bending over backwards to do what he wants and him ignoring your needs and saying hurtful things. He sounds selfish and lacking in empathy.

I actually dont think they are at fault here. You said they tried really hard at the beginning so they did make a big effort. If you didnt reciprocate and made everything awkward, then why would they continue making such an effort. They probably think that you also dont want to have much to do with them.
About the trip, wouldnt it just be awkward for everyone including yourself. And you say you didnt want to go anyway, so they ask you and you say no? So why should they bother.

At the same time, you are who you are and just accept that. They dont get you, that's ok as you are married to you DH not to them.

At the risk of being controversial - why should they invite you just because you are their brothers wife? In life we all get along with some more than others. I can't think of anything worse than going on holiday with people I am not 100% comfortable. It would be too awkward.

I honestly think this is being a little forced. Despite the aspergers maybe you just don't have that much in common. I think you and your partner need to accept this. Big events like weddings, Christmas (or whatever holidays) etc are enough.

Stop putting pressure on yourself. I think your DH could cut it out with the passive aggressive comments too. He should be making you feel better about things not worse.

@SHAR0N he HAS been away from them.

I don't think anyone is at fault. Just a lot of different people who have come together because they love the same man.

They probably didn't invite you because they knew you'd not enjoy and to be honest it probably would have affected the weekend. You're not all little kids anymore where there is forced inclusion.

Keep it to nice events and enjoy it and then go back to when you're happy.

You’re just very different types of people, OP. I quite like DH’s big, raucous, close-knit family, but I certainly don’t feel the need to be particularly close to them, or to ‘work’ on our relationship or anything. I see them as much or as little as suits me.

Thanks again for the replies everyone - a lot of very useful stuff and food for thought. I can definitely see all sides a bit better and can now understand that the in-laws may actually not involve me due to thinking I wouldn't enjoy certain social activities, and are therefore saving me from inevitable uncomfortableness - I actually hadn't considered that before.

At the same time, I do agree I'm going way out of my comfort zone to appease them and doing my own version of the "pick me dance" at them. I'm going to try and remain friendly and as approachable as I is comfortable, but try and remain "me" and not the person I think they want me to be. See if that helps the situation.

As for my OH's lack of support, well, that's a whole other rant from me! On the whole, he's very caring, affectionate and loving, but if I any issues or problems I may have cause him any inconvenience or negativity he's not particularly empathetic. Whatever is bothering me is either down to my own doing (in his opinion) or it's a case of "well, there's nothing I can do about it so why are you telling me?" Absolutely infuriating and I do tell him so.

Sorry for typos - I'm trying to multitask while posting!