Trying (and failing) to form close relationship with inlaws

[delaney90]

Hi there, I'm really struggling with an ongoing situation and was hoping for some advice (or to feel I'm not alone in feeling this, at least). I'll try not to let my post get too long, but will try not to drip-feed either.

My in-laws (I've been with my OH for 7 years) are extremely close and OH's siblings' respective partners are also tightly knit within the family circle. Except for me.
I have Asperger's and I struggle with interpersonal relationships at the best of times - I'm not even that close to my own family. Social interactions are awkward and leave me feeling embarrassed. It's like everyone else at some point was given a guide on how to be a normal, social person, and I completely missed it.

The in-laws are nice people and really made an effort with me to start with. I was invited to everything and his two sisters really tried to befriend me. But they're extremely tactile and bubbly, whereas I'm the complete opposite. I've tried mimicking in order to be like them and form a connection but this leaves me exhausted and cringing (as I'm aware I'm being fake). Over the years their efforts have dwindled. They're also now aware that I'm Asperger's, and while they say they're understanding, this has resulted in them being almost patronising (one sister's OH now talks to me... very... very... slowly like a small child).

I can kind of ignore this and put up with it, but yesterday we were told that his sisters are going away with their other brother's girlfriend for a girly holiday in the spring. My OH asked me why I'm not going, so I said I wasn't invited and this was the first I'd heard about it. He then said "well, if you'd make more effort, you'd get invited to these things." He knows full well I struggle and why. I shot back that his family should make more effort with me. He answered that they do.

So, I'm now thinking that it's kind of 50/50 - both myself and the in-laws should make a bit more effort. I don't want to keep playing the autism card and use that as an excuse for my weirdness. I do actually want to get closer to his family, but can't help thinking that door is now closed due to 7 years of awkward interactions. Has anyone been in a similar position or have any advice on how to move forward? It would be much appreciated!

I feel you! I have autistic traits so I understand. xxx

' I do wish I liked that kind of thing and would get invited and be, well, normal. I see the fun they have together and wish that could be me. But I know it could never be me because of who I am (if that makes sense).'

You can only accept yourself for who you are, and try your best, then when you fuck up, get back on the horse. I know all too well how easy it is to feel sorry for ourselves- it can feel like we've suffered enough!

' Whatever is bothering me is either down to my own doing (in his opinion) or it's a case of "well, there's nothing I can do about it so why are you telling me?" Absolutely infuriating and I do tell him so.'

Yep, really unhelpful- glad you tell him so.

I think you need to protect yourself- you've earned it after all these years of trying. It's not like you haven't tried your best. Only see them for as long as you feel able to tolerate relatively comfortably. Skip any interactions you can avoid. How do you feel about that?

@Interestedwoman thanks for your lovely reply Yes, being on the spectrum can feel like such a minefield!

I'm definitely going to try and limit interactions to what I'm realistically comfortable with. if I do get guilt tripped I'll try and explain that it's nothing personal, not a slight against his family, but that I need to look after myself and not burn myself out. See how that goes.

Here's other side of this...
His family have tried with you and have probably given up

You struggle with interacting.

You're not even close to your own family

I really don't see what they've done wrong here.

The weekend away doesn't sound like something you'd particularly enjoy, given their personality and yours.

I have a SIL (DHs sister) who isn't great in social situations... I'm always making conversation with her....I used to get limited one word responses.

I invited her out with my friends once and I will never do so again.

It was very awkward...my friends tried so hard to talk to her...but her social skills are awful.

I was honestly embarrassed.

I've known her for 23 years now and although it's a bit better than it was..mainly because I have made the effort...she lacks the ability to fit in. I just accept her as she is. I've invited her on holiday with us and her poor social skills and lack of self awareness made me regret it.

We don't have to socialise outside of family events.

@SandyY2K ouch, that does sound painful and that was really nice of you to try. I hope I'm not that bad! My awkwardness and lack of social skills tends to manifest itself in word vomit the majority of the time. Unless I'm in a big group, when I'll usually too intimidated to speak.

I can understand that I'm probably hard work to be around. I think my biggest frustration is that I wish I wasn't.

Perhaps he should have tests to see if he is on the spectrum. Sounds like it!

Please stop saying you're not normal. I know it feels like that but in fact you're just different to them. Why should they get the benefit of being labelled the standard of normal?

What you're dealing with is a clash of two personality types, both within the range of normal human personalities. People don't always get along and that's okay as long as you're all generally kind and civil.

Hey @delaney90

First of all you sound lovely and your in laws are very lucky to have you as part of their family. Don't be hard on yourself, it sounds like there are so many amazing traits to your personality.

Just wanted to say that I know how you feel. I'm fairly chatty, but I have a quiet voice that I really struggle to project. One on one, I'm fine. But in a group situation it's easy to talk over me, blank me or not hear me. I'm also fairly sensitive and I find myself retreating even more when this happens.

My in laws are pretty dominant and can be quite domineering. They interrupt one another, talk loudly and are pretty confident. It's quite intimidating to attempt to get a word in, and when I do, I can end up spending ages analysing whether what I said was ok. They're lovely people, they're just more confident than me.

I struggled for the past few years and my husband, whilst empathetic, didn't totally understand what I meant. The changing point for me was when I confided in a member of his family how I felt. I didn't say it in a critical way at all, I just said I found it hard to be confident in that dynamic and feel heard and asked her if she could help me.

She's been amazing. Whenever I'm interrupted now she'll say "hang on a minute, let her speak- don't interrupt". It was a game changer and changed the whole tone of how we all speak to one another. I now do the same for her when she's interrupted and say "ah just one second, I would love to hear more about that... what were you saying?"

There's been no confrontation. It's just been a really subtle change but it's given me a lot of confidence, to the point where I now never feel awkward or like a spare part in family gatherings, and instead feel like a member of the family.

I know it's quite a scary thing to do, but have you thought about sharing your fears and vulnerabilities with someone you trust in their family, who has a lot of influence? And asking for advice or asking them to help you?

It's not fair that you're made to feel this way and I don't think they appreciate or have considered that this might seriously upset you. They need to know that it does.

Xx